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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
please help
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
please help
by cjzabel, May 21, 2007 12:00AM
Hello I am 28 year old female I have been married to the same man for eight years. When we first met he had a normal or close to normal sex drive, but now its non existent. He says it s because of are children they make him nervous, he is afraid they are going to walk in. But even when we do 90% of the time he does not ejaculate. I am starting to get very frustrated. He says its not me but I am concerned that it is. I am not sure how long I can survive I have a high sex drive, I like sex with my husband, I can not have it so it makes it worse. Please any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., May 21, 2007 12:00AM
, May 21, 2007 12:00AM
Something is going on here- but he is right-- it is not you. Delayed ejaculation is not dependent on the person and it may have something to do with a medical condition or medications that he is taking. For example, if he takes any medications for depression, most of those medications - paxil, prosac, zoloft, etc have side effects- and for some men, that includes delayed or inhibited ejaculation. In any case, if he really can't come, you might want to urge him to see a doctor because there could be some underlying cause or he might be able to take a different medication , if he is taking something now..
Sex drive itself is compromised by depression or medications for depression- so that's another thing he might want to check out-- heart medications, diabetes etc can all compromise sexual interest... If you think any of this might be part of the answer to the problem-- it needs to have a doctor's exam and advice to see what to do next.
If you think there is something going on between the two of you-- anger, dissapointment, issues about child raising--then some couple coaching or therapy might give you some insight into what the problems are and how to approach them. Is your relationship fun and happy most of the time? Or troubled? If it is troubled, then some problems with sex would be understandable. So, if there is emotional distance or anger- you need to tend to that first.
Finally, tell him how much you miss him-- don't criticize , don't threaten , just tell him you need him and ask him what would help-- making love when the kids are sound asleep? Putting a lock on the door? ( do it, the kids will do just find and they should learn to respect adult boundaries. They will not be hurt if they have to wait a few seconds for you to open the door...). Or? See if there are things you can do, to set the stage , so that your sexual life has a good , worry free stage setting.
