Not letting go

[knoxbluford]

Quick background of our relationship, friends from 2002-2004, dated in august 2004,long distance relationship January 2005-may 2006, March 2005 we got engaged, moved to live with him in phoenix in May 2006.His dad was diagnosed with Cancer in 2002 and died this past March. Communication was a big issue then and got a little bigger with the loss of his father. One Thursday, we sat down and talked about what wasn't working for us in our relationship.I thought we were going to try to work it out. By  Saturday, I woke up to him not being at the house. I had no idea where he was and when he called he wouldn't tell me. Just said "i need time to think and i'll call you later".  Sunday ended in our break up. I am now staying with a friend for a few days so we can both get our space.I would like to try again as we have never broken up before. I texted him and asked if we could meet and talk on Tuesday (this coming. He agreed and reciprocated the "i love you" that I had originally sent. I really missed him today so I asked him if i could see him Sunday and us talk then. He said "Maybe (which is his normal default answer)i'll let you know about Sunday", that made me feel like **** and that maybe he doesn't want to work it out. I love him to death and really want to know what perspective to take on this issue. I want Tuesday to go well so I keep telling myself that it will be fine. Just want other people's perspectives.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    When you meet, ask him to tell you about how he is feeling, what is life is like- keep it off of the two of you forawhile.. Do not cry at him, if you can. Do not beg, or fall apart. Do not make him feel suffocated.  Tell him, if he needs space- you will give it to him, but that you think making any decisions when he is undergoing severe emotional loss like a father's death is not a good idea.  Everything is extreme when you are in grief- and relationship issues may loom larger than they might even a few months later.

    If he is unrelenting and wants to break up- there is nothing you can do about it- but offer this: that let us call it a separation and not a break up until a couple of months have gone by-- and then , if he still feels the same way, so be it.

    You can't push. He will just react against you.  But you can  be warm, supportive and understanding.. You may have to wait for awhile. In the meantime, see if he won't go into some counseling-- to get a better understanding about his own emotions and his communication in relationships. It would be great if he went with you-- but on the other hand, it sounds like he really needs a place to openly grieve in front of a professional, not his partner.

    If you have already met- let me know what happened and perhaps there is still some room for some understanding and not going to a final break up. He has some intense losses - and it is not uncommon for people to want to rearrange their lives under those conditions. If you can slow him down, get him to think about himself for awhile, and put everything in context- it may save the relationship. Good luck.

[NoNamesPlease]

What you're going through with him is very sad for you, I know- been there, done that.

I suggest you bite the bullet and take him at his word - let him go. Don't ask him to explain, don't wonder about it. just let him go. If he wants to come back, he may try, but even then, I suggest you resist going back.

He is doing you a BIG favor by breaking up with you. Like the title of the book says, "He's just not that into you". Please reconcile with that fact. It's not you, it's him. He is being honest with you now - he wasn't before. It's not something that just 'came to him'. No matter what reason he gives you, the bottom line is he's not getting what he needs from the relationship, and you shouldn't have to reconfigure yourself to fit his needs. He may be commitment-phobic, and having realized you and he crossed in to 'very serious' territory, he needs to retreat. He'll probably start a new relationship asap.

If he can leave you in this abrupt manner, especially after what you've been through together, he is insensitive and selfish. He is not concerned with your feelings. Try to heal as quickly as you can, but please leave him, and don't look back.

[knoxbluford]

We talked yesterday and we are going to try to work everything out. We aren't officially re-engaged but it is a possibility. Both of us want to try to work out our relationship issues before we really sit down and talk about getting married. Both of us want to only get married once and want to make sure that now that we have recognized our problems and how to fix them, we'll be able to do so. I'll keep you updated! Thanks for the advice! I haven't been happier!