My boyfriend's low labido

[she'asks]

I have seen this same question over and over but still find it hard to grasp.  I am 29 yrs old and my boyfriend is 28 and we have been together for approximately 8 months. The reason I am nervous is because the relationship is still very new. I love sex and crave it all of the time. On the other hand my boyfriend does not. We live in different areas so we only see each other about three days a week. During the time we are not together I find myself watching porn and masturbating just to satisfy my needs. When I do finally see him I want to attack him. I always try to instigate the sex but often get shot down and it hurts. I know that it is not me but can't help but think there is something else going on. This past weekend we had a huge argument about it and 30 mins later he wanted to have sex. NOW HE'S READY? We are both very fit so I would think his labido would be high. He did take Andro before we started dating which I think is a borderline steroid. He quit taking it because it messed with his ability to get an erection. When we first started dating we had sex all the time and sometimes three times a day. So what happened?  Am I abnormally sex crazed? Has his use of Andro caused a decrease in his labido? Or is it simply the fact that he peaked in his early 20's and I am hitting mine now? Please help!! I love this man but also feel that a healthy sexual relationship is very important to make it last.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

     I think something else is going on. If he is on a steroid- it could really affect his desire and ability to have intercourse. So you need to see if he has gone back to it.
But if there is no drug use that could be affecting him, my guess is either he is no longer as interested in you as he once was--or there is someone else and that is affecting his ability or desire to have sex with you.

   Young , previously intensely interested in sex, men don't just stop wanting sex. There is a reason. Perhaps the thought of losing you , after the argument, made you look good again to him. Perhaps he got an overall rush from the argument and that heightened his drive- but you don't want to be in a relationship where someone's interest in you is on again, off again--or only special conditions make him aroused.

   My guess is his libido is quite ok , but just not ok with you. I would take that as a bad sign, and sad as it is to think about, it doesn't help to be in denial.  His sexual drive has hardly peaked- and yours is not going to go away.  You are not 'abnormally crazed'_ lots of women have a strong sex drive, however, you, like lots of other people, may be particularly aroused when you feel someone is slipping away from you and not readily available for your emotional and sexual needs. That often sends people into hyper-drive!

    You need to talk to him about ' the relationship'. See if you can find out if he is having his doubts. Find out, if you possibly can, if he is being faithful. Maybe he will tell you the truth about his feelings, his sex life when you are not there--or both. He owes it to you to give you the truth- tell him that. You may , of course, not like what you hear- but listen- you can't go on this way.  Sex is an important part of a relationship--and whether or not it is good is a good diagnostic of your communication, commitment, and depth of attraction.  

   Don't let this drag on  like this. See what he says-- and if he is willing to work on this relationship- and commit to it--or not.

[she'asks]

First off, thank you for the response.  On the other hand I think you hit on things that were already in the back of my mind and it is hard to think about. Is he cheating?  Is he back on the supplements that will hurt him?  Another thing that has crossed my mind was the control issue.  Having come from an abusive husband, it also crosses my mind that sex is a control issue with him.  Does this sound absurd?  If it is only sex on his terms....that seems like he wants to always be in control. And of course on the other hand...having been in an abusive relationship I am always on the defensive and of course have a low self esteem.  We definitely don't talk as much as we should or as much as I would like to but I have always associated that with me being a woman and him being a man.  When I try to bring up the issue he always gets on the defensive and tells me that he is absolutely attracted to me and would have sex with me every minute of the day.....IF HE COULD!  Then of course I feel like the selfish inconsiderate one and somehow the argument gets turned on to me.  Isn't that control?  If you have any more advice I would appreciate it.  I definitely have to stand up better for myself....and I will try to talk about it more with him.

[JeffinNC]

By you saying that he was on andro then I am assuming that he had a low testosterone level and was prescribed this by a doctor. Well if he stopped taking it then his level is most definately low again. Low testosterone = no desire for sex period. Also this alone should not cause him to have erection problems. Good luck.

[shadowsting]

I have experienced the same problem but not with drugs. My husband and I had a healthy sex life in the beginning but as time went on it kept dwindling to zilch. I still feel the need for sex daily and find that even masterbation doesn't compleatly satisfy it. He has been tested for low testerone and it came back normal, we have been to couciling and don't have any other real problems in the relationship. Yes we spat from time to time but ususally over a lack of sex. I wish that I had answers for you but I would like to say your not alone in this.

[whatisay]

Wow, I just love these post where the accusatory tone when a man decliens sex.  My wife would yell at me about it, tell me I am gay, accuse me of cheating on and on and on.  Guess what ladies do you think that makes me want to have sex with her more.  Do you really think that her telling me I like to have sex with men, when I don't brought us closer together?  Then when we did have sex she would complain that I did not finish fast enough so I must not be attracted to her.  So, I would concentrate on finishing- then she woudl yell at me that I don't do anything for her-
Now why do I want to have sex?  
You might want to consider your selfish approach to this discusssion.  By that I mean just saying, "What is wrong with him?  Any guy would love to have me throw myself at him."  In a relationship it is not about sex in that sense.  Yes if you walk down the street and ask ten men do you want to have sex with me you will get a great response.  But, then say, we can have sex, but I need to have this relationship thing too-I bet they stop and think before they say lets go.  
Why not aks, "What can we do to have sex more often?"  Maybe he does like to be in charge.  Instead of attacking him, why not tell him you are getting horny- in advance, let him know where you are, and then let him start the action.  I'll tell you that works better for me.  Why not be sexy in front of him, tease him until it is his idea-  Put on some thing you know he likes and it doe snot have to be some Victoria Secert thing maybe his favorite jeans- put them on and show it to him asking if they still fit right-
Try this I forget the name of the exercise, but go for no sex- just 20 minutes of touching first 4 times you cannot touch genitals or breasts- then four times where you can but no sex. and then move to intercourse- it is like starting over, no rushing- rememebr how he had to fight to get in your pants-maybe he needs that.  
But stop accusing him it won't work

[CJ82]

I am 24 living with my boyfriend of 25 and have been doing for 1 year. I am lucky if we have sex once a week and if we do it is always me who initiates it. Ive started to feel horrible about myself and really down in the dumps. I have tried to talk to him about it and be open and he says that he just doesn't feellike it. its gettin embarassing for me now and i feel like a nymph! The other night I put on my best underwear and got in bed to suprise him but when he saw me he laughed at me went ad got his mac and watched a DVD. I cried and tried to talk to him but now i feel ive gone on about it so much that its made it into too much of a problem. He says he loves me and wants to wor on things but Ive lost so much confidence now that im scared of doing anyhting about it.

[kmskms]

I am also go through the same situation, my boyfriend doesn`t want to have sex anymore.  We have been together for almost 6 years, I am 22 and he is 24.  I feel like I have beg him to have sex with me.  It makes me feel unattracted, when I know that I shouldn`t feel that way.  He also has porno on the computer all the time. I don`t understand how he can masturbate to other females, but doesn`t seem interested in the real thing.  I am so confused because I would consider myself good looking and very sexual, but he just doesn`t seem to want me anymore.

[54321]

Hi, I'm glad I'm not the only one in this position (or lack there of).

I am 24 female and also consider myself attractive, or I did once upon a time.  I have never had problems like this before but my boyfriend seems to have a really low sex drive.  He is 27, really fit and should be in his prime.  We have been going out for 6 months but it's been like this for a while.

I always initiate and he often makes excuses like he is tired, has a headache or is sore from excercising.  We fight about it a lot and I have told him numerous times that I feel unattractive to him.  He doesn't look at porn and says he doesn't masturbate and I really don't think he's gay (sometimes I see him looking at other girls as men do).  He loves me a lot and sometimes talks about marriage and kids.  We probably do it about once every 2 weeks with me initiating but I try almost every day.

I really don't know what to do, I've tried talking to him about it, he's even said stuff like 'but we did it yesterday' 'you're acting like a selfish kid" etc.  I always end up crying and getting mad and telling him that normal couples at our age have it all the time.  I always hurt his feelings then feel bad.

i've started having sex dreams about other men.  In my dreams I feel bad about cheating on my boy but feel like I have a right to.

I have told him I am not going to initiate it anymore. I've even tried to turn him on with 'toys' but he wasn't into it.  I am considering spiking his tea with Viagra!

What should I do? i love him and am not sure if it is worth breaking up over but don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

[Jacki5]

I have the same problem, my boyfriend (33) and I (37)have been together for only 5 months, I feel that he is no longer interested. He tells me that he does not know why he is not interested in sex anymore. All he wants to do is cuddle but no kissing. He smacks me on the butt occasionally and pinches me to show his love. He claims that I am the first real girlfriend that he has ever had. He has never been married or lived with anyone else. He never brought any other girls around his family or took any one seriously. I'm thinking that maybe his past history with women has something to do with it. When I met him he had a girl for every other day of the week, and he had his share of threesomes with couples. Actually that is how we met and I fell in love with him. I got rid of my boyfriend to be with him. He gave all of his other sex partners to be just with me. I thought we were going to have a fantasic sex life. I got just the opposite.

[clueless483]

A related discussion, lack of sexual desire was started.