If it were up to me I'd only have sex 1 or 2 times a year/Is this a chemical issue in the body?

[Arianna03]

Now 32 yrs odl and my husband and I have been married for 9 years and I just don't have an interest in having sex.  I was married before for 7 years and I was the same way w/ my previous husband. I'm not trying to be gross or anything, I just never want to have sex.  I love my husband dearly. My husband would love to have sex daily. We're opposite in this department. I could probably go a whole year or more w/out it.  Is this normal?  Is this a problem w/ my hormone levels?  I don't know what to do.  I want to make him happy.  When we do have sex, we don't do anything erotic or kinky.  It's sex.  When we do have it, I am aroused. I tell him all the time I'm to tired or some other reason why we can't have sex.  Most of the time it's true but sometimes it's excuses.  I have 3 boys, ages 8, 3, 7 1/2 months.  I'm up by 9am or earlier and in bed every night by about 12:30am..  I'm not a lesbian, I only like men(only my husband though). I don't know if this has anything to do w/ it, but my thyroid, blood pressure, & cholesteral levels are normal.  I am 5'3 & weigh 180. If you know of something that I would need to get checked out at the doctors office for let me know.  I feel like this is an issue that puts a big damper on our relationship.  My husband says that he is just used to it now.  I don't want him to be just used to it.  I need some advise. Thanks

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

   There is something in your letter that is inconcistent. You say you don't want sex at all- yet when you do have it , you are aroused... this is very interesting! Normally, people who don't like sex are not aroused during the act-- if it does turn you on-- how come you don't want to do it?  

    It also sounds like you do have sex occasionally. Is that only for him? Or is the arousal enough reinforcement to want to have sex when he wants it, even if you are never thinking about it.

     You might want to have your hormone levels checked-- it is possibly something hormonal. Also medicines, if you are taking any ( like anti depressants, which can suppress sexual desire).
      
      You might also go try and take a sexual or marital enrichment weekend or week- there are several that include some good teaching about how to key into more erotic elements of each other';s personality-- and they can be a good check on whether or not you are being effectively stimulated ( foreplay, clitorial touching or licking,etc) by your husband.

      I do think , as you indicate, that creating a bit more erotic energy between the two of you would be good for you--and the marriage. Your husband says he is 'used to it'--but what is that-- low frequency, low response?  In any case, I think bringining in some expertise, medical and/ or experiential with a therapist or enrichment weekend would be a good idea.

      You  might also look to your weight. That is a lot of weight for your height and it might depress your feelings of sexiness or physicality. It certainly would be good for your health to weigh less and it might turn you on to see a more fit body.

    Just suggestions-- I hope one or more of them appeal to you.

[arianna0003]

Why haven't you answered my question yet???  I've been waiting for days.  I came on this site because I thought that you could help?

[arianna0003]

I wasn't trying to sound rude when I wrote that comment about waiting for your response.  I was just hoping I could get a response from you soon regarding my question. Is there something wrong w/ the question that I'm asking? Thanks

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

180 lbs, is there something wrong with you? Just as an experiment drop 60 pounds and see what happens to you. I would imagine you would become a happier person, more confident, and more interested in sex.  I know when I lost 20 lbs that happened to me. My weight loss didn't seem to perk the wifes desire though....  so maybe I should have just kept it on, in order to keep my libido down?