no sex in the marrige

[c]

im 38 and married of 14 yrs with 2 teenage girls. sex in the relationship is almost non existence, and only on his terms. if i ask for sex, he just tells me to go get it elsewhere. 2 years ago he was unfaithful to me with my best friend and i cant forget about it. i dont think he is being unfaithful now. on the other hand i am. i have been havng random sex with a married guy from work for almost a year now but we are miles apart and although its rare when we meet i still get it more from him than my husband. now because of my needs ive turned to another guy at work, it seems everytime someone gives me attention which i dont get at home i want more from them. im loving the frill and feel like a teenager again. i would never be acting like this if he didnt hurt me affairs and infedelity was the last thing i would do to him. why now? i resent him for making me do this but i love attention and being treated with respect. i get no respect at home and told daily how fat, ugly and useless i am. i know this is not the case, im size 12 long hair and look ok for 38yrs.
what do i do, i love my husband, but resent him and dont want to lose him.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

     You may love your husband but if you don't want to lose him, this is certainly not a good way to go about keeping him. It sounds like you two are not having a very good marriage-- at least by my standards. If he tells you to go get your sex elsewhere my guess is he is either having an affair, gay, or depressed. If you are not talking about sex with one another and having parallel external sex lives you may be able to stay together, but it certainly doesnt sound like you-or perhaps,he- are getting the love you want and need.   While you may be having these affairs for sex- it sounds, to my ears, that what you really crave is the affection and the appreciation. That is something- no matter what is going on sexually between the two- that you should be getting from  your husband. That is a large part of what marriage is supposed to be about..

    So I guess I would have to ask you if you really do love your husband--and if you do, what do you love about him? What about him makes him a good partner for you-- and you a good partner for him?  It sounds like he insults you--or doesn't want you- and it may have something to do with your weight even if you aren't heavy. It sounds like he really doesn't communicate with you or give you attention. So what is it thats so wonderful that you say you love?

   I think you have to take a close look at your life and see if it makes sense. If you want to stay married- go into marriage counseling together and see if you can resurrect some intimacy. If you don't, I am not sure what it is that you -and he- are staying for. If it is the children, then admit that and just stay until they graduate high school ( or some time you pick that feels right) and then go out and find a better life with someone else.  If it is for each other-- then this relationship needs work to really qualify as a marriage between two loving partners.

[relax100]

Sounds like you need a marriage counselor.  When it comes to infidelity, 2 wrongs don't make a right.  You may want to watch Talk Sex With Sue on the Oxygen Channel and ask her the best way to rekindle sexual attraction in your relationship.  She is terrific.

[K4L]

Marriage councelling sounds ideal if you do care about your husband.
I understand your need for affection and attention but going elsewhere wont help your marriage.

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

2 wrongs don't make a right?

I counted more than 2 wrongs?  He cheated on you once (possibly only once) and now this is a license to go and get to know the office staff?

A size 12, what is that? I didn't even know dress sizes go out that far!  Sounds to me like you both need major counseling. If my wife was to ask for sex, I think I would have a heart attack, rather than tell her to find it somewhere else.  That is a very unloving comment.

This marriage is at it's 11th hour.