third time a charm?

[frootbar]

Hi Dr.,
I have been married twice.  Both very highly educated people,
both alot younger than I, and both cheated, in kind of different
ways, the first one much worse.
In the strictest terms, you could say I did the second time, but
it was after I was told it was over, then, it wasn't.  I'm attracted to someone younger, in that my sex drive for age 50 is
very high.
I have known someone for many years now, however, since her and
I were together at times during the second marriage, I feel that
caused a kind of "dirty" feeling with me, in that being with her
now is difficult.  I would like to stay with her but it's been
hard to continue on with the sort of guilt type of OCDish thing
going on.  Any suggestions?

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    I would need more information to know if this person was right for you--or you for her.  In general, age doesn't determine cheating-- many young people would never dream of it--and their sex drvies are generally cranked way up! I would worry that you are picking people for the wrong reason-- plenty of women your age have a great sex drive--that can't be the only reason you want someone younger. If it is because they look good to you-I understand. But if it is only because they are attractive, or sexy, you may be picking women who have a higher liklihood to cheat--or lesser ability to love. If I were you I would forget about getting remarried for awhile and just concentrate on getting to know someone and see if they are trustworthy.

   As for the woman you are with now- you can't blame her more than yourself for her behavior. Is she a good person or is she not? Has she been able to have long, committed relationships in the past? Is she a little younger than you-or a lot younger than you?
One thing I can say for sure-- if you continue to do something that has never worked in the past-- the chances of it working in the future aren't particularly good.

[banter]

Hopefully one of the counsellors here can get back to you on this.  I am not a counselor, but I will say that I can totally sympathise with your plight.  I had sex before I got married and that was with my fiancee and I felt extremely guilty about that (being as I am a Christian).

The mind is a very powerful thing and when it gets derailed and off-track, so to speak, it can be difficult to get things going in the right direction again.

Your being sexually with your friend while you were still married may have caused an irreparable amount of guilt inside you.  Counselling might be effective.  But from what I have been told, the most crucial thing is to always be up-front with your partner.  Tell her exactly what you feel – that you care for her and love her deeply, but that you are suffering from internal guilt from what has gone on before.  Ask her to be understanding and to see if she can work with you on finding a way through that will be beneficial to you both.

To be honest, my thought is to leave off sex entirely and start back at the beginning with her.  Romance her like you do with a new-found person that you have an interest in.  Of course, you cannot do this sort of back-tracking without first confiding your feelings to her.

[frootbar]

Hi Banter,
Thanks so much.
I do not have the resources for counselling in person, so hopefully one will
address my post here, but I understand they are busy/doing this for free.
I appreciate your comments.  I did actually do, more or less what you suggest
just the other day, so you inadvertantly were perceptive!  I explained I will
entertain any way of dealing with it.  We have known each other for 16 years
now.
She did admit it wasn't the best idea to try and do some seducing while I
was still married, and I knew the marriage was toast, but I could not for a
variety of reasons get out of it right away.  I am actually, though not christian,
a believer in doing marital things in that manner, and am fiercely loyal generally.  So, yes, this has really wrecked my mind I think.
Thanks again.
FB.

[frootbar]

I apologize for not being totally clear, so if you have time here is some clarification.  I did not pick anyone due to age, it just happened that way.
I find all ages attractive, no problem there.  However, as it again happens, and
maybe subconciously i am doing this...but this woman is also alot younger.
She and I have tons in common, she's a very very nice person, I've been essentially the only one she's known for a long time.  Incidents happened that
took her away briefly, and some other things, and I felt not asking her to stay
was the right thing to do.  It wasn't.  She would have.  Now, I maybe, have a
chance to finally get together whether married or commonlaw or whatever.  I
think we could do very well together, there are connections on all levels.  I respect this woman greatly.
However, as mentioned, there is my guilt issue.  The last wife called it quits,
we were essentially roommates for the duration, and when my friend saw me,
well, a few things happened but not sex initially.  I realized what she meant.
However, the wife was also having odd relationships with a few men, I didn't
know the scope until later, and never found out all of it.  I've been divorced for
about 8 yrs. now and have been basically with nobody.