Fear of not loving my girldfriend.

[Aragnosh]

I don't know if you guys can help, but some advise would be greatly appreciated.
To make it clear and simple, I have  a fear that I may not love my girlfriend. But at the same time, I know I do... I know it sounds confusing but that's how it is.
Let's start from the beginning.
It was around 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I were sitting on a bench down at the boardwalk. One of my friends,a girl joined us. I thought that she was slightly cute, but I didn't obsess over her or anything.
Later that night , I felt really guilty about thinking she was cute, but I held it in because I didn't think it was a big deal. About 3 days later I was lying in bed and I felt even worse then I did the previous night about it. Then for a brief second, I questioned my feelings about my girlfriend...
My girlfriend actually comforted me. I told her that I thought her friend was cute, and she told me not to worry because it's to be expected, with me being a guy  
I have anxiety, I tend to think to much, and I have panic attack symptoms before every time I think about it.
It weird still, because every time I imagine us breaking up... I know I'd be back with her in a week. I love her a lot, but this fear is hurting me. And it only affects me when I think about it really.
Also I've been staying with her for about 2 months now, I got this fear about 2 weeks into me moving in, and I'm really confined to her house. (I don't have a car until tomorrow.) If that helps any.
Thank you.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

   I think this is a lot more about panic attacks than it is about your girlfriend. I think you tend to obsess about things and that you may have panic attacks when you are under stress. This stress seems to be self imposed, and mya be heightened by being confined. However, you can reduce the stress. You can go out and take a walk, you can do something that will disrupt the cycle of your obsession like go play a sport or talk to a friend.

   Your relationship with your girlfriend is still new. You are exploring it and perhaps that scares you. Relax. You don't have to do anything with her that is a greater commitment if you don't want to-- why not just get to know each other, enjoy the relationship and not worry if it's love or not love. You are very connected to her- just enjoy that and give it time. If you find another woman attractive, it's no big deal. It doesn't mean you don't love your girlfriend- but it may mean you are stressed about relating to her seriously- or anyone seriously.  If you can just try to take one day at a time you can unload some of this stress and not worry about how right it is, or if you are attracted to others.. Just give yourself time to know and trust this relationship- if it turns out to not be the one, that will reveal itself over time. But give it that time--and give yourself a break. If you find you cannot stop obsessing about this, please go see a therapist and talk about ways to get it out of your head.

[alpaca]

You are worrying too much. Loving someone doesn't mean that you never find anyone else attractive. How could it? It seems like you have a lot of anxiety going on and you might want to talk to a therapist about it.

[QuestionableMotive]

I don't think you have anything to worry about.  You say you moved in with your girlfriend not too long ago.  A step that big in any relationship can cause a great deal of anxiety, especially for men, and especially in your case considering your prone to excessive worrying.  If your looking for assurance this is the best I can give you; You seem to care a great deal about this girl whether you doubt it or not.  I can tell you care by your concerns and guilt towards the situation.  As human beings we are constantly comparing physical features of others with not only ourselves but our partners.  Some more than others and I can assure you, a majority of us do it on a daily basis.  Your not guilty of anything because you simply find another woman attractive.  You don't exactly strike me as the person who would jeopardize your relationship and in retrospect, that's what matters.

As a fellow sufferer of excessive anxiety I wish you the best and try not to worry so much.  It's a natural thing.  

[Matt1978]

Absolutely no reason to worry. Stop beating yourself up.  You have done nothing wrong. It does not mean that you do not love your girlfriend.  Not even close. It is normal and natural to notice other people.  Your concern shows me that you are a good person with a good heart. Sounds like your girlfriend has a good head on her sholders as well.  A lot of girls would have not have been so understanding. I wish you both good luck.

[whatisay]

Look, you got worried about your thoughts of the other girl because you love your girlfriend.  If you did not love her you would not care and you would have hit on the other girl behind your g/f's back.  Lets face it there are many hot women out there- it does not mean you do not love your g/f.  Your conflict is what does that mean when you see a hot girl.  All it means is the girl is hot.  

Anyone who loves someone may have the fear of losing them.  It is a risk you take in a relationship.  Your job now is to continue to love your g/f but to move on to trust that feeling and be confident in the relationship.  I can bet  you your g/f will find you more attractive if you are confident in the relationship insted of worried.  

[fred flintstone]

It IS possible to love more than one person.  Why not?  Love is a feeling of physical attraction, of experience that leads to trust, of safety, of similarity and understanding, of wanting to feed and be fed by ones' lover.  It is often considered impossible to have this with more than one person, but do you love both your parents, your siblings?  Those loves may or may not exist, and they may not include sexual aspects, but they can co-exist without breaking societal rules.  Often there are problems of jealousy when someone loves more than one person in a deep way, especially if that includes a taboo breaking such as loving another sexually.  Jealousy is mostly a fear of loss, but if this is not hidden and there is a commitment to work on the deep and true parts of this, some people do go on to have more than one love in their life.   If there really is a chance of loss, then the fear might be justified.  Certainly there is only so much time in a day to be with others.  But think of this, reading in this forum I find there are many many couples who are monogamous and are still having to deal with abandonment, both emotionally and sexually.  
I think if there are any guarantees of having success at a love relationship they lay in a complex mixture of fearless trust and dedicated feeding of each other's needs.  Of course one might need to feed someone love in a way that they do not see as love when it is given to them.  For example, one partner might feel loved when they are given presents, and the other might see that as unimportant but feel that sexual communication is really the language of love, and feel that they are not loved if all they  get is gifts.  The gift giver might not see sex as engendering and supporting love, but something only of the body and not a genuine blending of spirits.  These preferences we take on from our experiences in life, and from our own inner drives.  To some extent they can be changed, but in the end it is really each person who can decide the truth: are they loved and do they love.  We are truly the ones who have the ultimate authority for our own spiritual health, and the ultimate responsibility of staying in, leaving, or changing the nature of a relationship.

[Zoe646]

A related discussion, Do I love my boyfriend? was started.