Relationship help

[Michigan mom]

My husband and I were married a year this February and have a 1 year old daughter (July 9th)and he has a 6 year old son.   My husband seems to forget he has a family.   He does what ever he wants to do and doesn't worry about my or my daughter. He takes her to daycare in morning.  When he comes home from work and weekends he does nothing to help with her.   Come weekends we agree about his son.  I have issues on him not disciplining his son and his eating habits.  I can't even tell his son to eat over plate without getting yelled at.  Or cover his mouth when he coughs.  He tells me come weekends he is going to stay somewhere else with his son.  I am sick of us getting into fights and feeling like a single mother half the time.  I have suggested family therapy but he has I am the crazy one that needs therapy.  Plus we have another baby on the way due Jan. (on pill and got preg-not planned)  I don't know if I can take 50 more years of this.  Please help.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

You definitely do not want to stay in a marriage where so little communication or support is taking place. But you have a child on the way and I think you need to think through your situation very carefully--and what hope there is that a therapist could help modify the situation. It sounds like a very sad environment for both children and at the very least  you might ask your partner to go into some sessions on joint parenting so that the kids are not exposed to constant conflict. If he won't go- go yourself, to figure out how to decrease the conflict at the table , to not draw his anger, and to spend quality time with your child and his child without conflict.  You can also tell this therapist about specific incidents etc and perhaps he or she can see what your part in all this is and help you to make it better.. none of these conflicts are without some contribution for both parties.

   If you can't make the situation better, then you have to find a way to make your life possible for you and your child and the coming baby. This will take a lot of soul searching and planning- so start talking to a good counselor now to see what the best next steps for you should be

[Michigan mom]

Forgot to type...Plus I can't get him to do anything around the house.  He thinks I am his maid and should wait on him.  Plus he talks to me like I am a pieces of ----.   He asks like he is helpless.  I have to b---h and b---h about trying to get him to put things into the dishwasher instead of sink.  He'll tell me he has no underware clean, I tell him I don't go into his drawer to see he is out, if he is getting low why can't you through a load into wash.  I work 40 hours a week and come home and have to take care of daughter, house and him.  I need help around house and can't get him to do anything but sit on couch and expects to be served.  He won't even get up to get a tissue to blow his nose.  He'll just keep sucking it in until I get up and get him one.  He was an only child and his mother did everything for him.  I am not sure if that is why he is the way he is.  

[On a Clear Day...]

Bless your heart, he sounds like a selfish little boy. Why don't you start out by hiring someone to come clean the house for you once a week, or every other week, since you are working 40 hours a week, pregant, and he offers no help. That would take some of the load off of you.

My heart goes out to you, sounds like you need to put your foot down. Good luck :)

[whatisay]

Not to be picky- but did you even discuss this stuff before you got married?  Too late now-
You need to have an open discussion with him- not attacking him or him you, but a calm discuussion of your roles- don't do it when you are angry, but ask him if he would like to sit down and discuss household responsibilites.  YOu can divide them up- tell him what you will do and see what he will accept.  If he is unwilling then you need to re-think this.  
The same with child issues- you need to agree on parenting issues- before the kids see you fight and then decide to ruingin i for you both.  You need to be on the same page- that means set your rules together- it maybe that the rule is you each take care of your own kids, but with one on the way, it may be best to try to work as a family- but if not you still need to have rules you agree on even if Dad will enforce them- For example no one leaves a mess-that means he has to enforce that with his kid and you yours.  These are just the house rules-
Above all don't make it a fight- stay on track with what you want to discuss.  If he is defnseive tell him you are not blaming, but just need to know the responsibilites so that it is not decided day by day.  This ends some of the fighting.  
If he won't discuss it it might be over- It appears you get nothign out of the relationship