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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Sexless Marriage
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Sexless Marriage
by Emotional Detached, Jul 17, 2007 12:00AM
Me and my husband have been married for 2 1/2 years. We have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. We are both 25. It has been approximately 4 months since we have had sex. We don't even have any intimacy. I feel like my feelings are totally shut off. I feel no sexual desire towards him. He wants sex all the time and tells me that he needs it or else he is out. I have looked into counseling but it is going to be 3 months before I can get in. I do not know exactly why I am this way but I am. I just have no sexual desire towards him, because when I think of another man I feel turned on. I know that is bad and I do not know how to fix it.
My husband tells me that if I do not get this fixed ASAP he is wanting a divorce. I do not blame him for that, but I could use some support.
My husband tells me that if I do not get this fixed ASAP he is wanting a divorce. I do not blame him for that, but I could use some support.
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Jul 24, 2007 12:00AM
, Jul 24, 2007 12:00AM
You need to get help and you can find someone who will help you during the waiting time for the other therapist. If it is a matter of money, go see a clergy person if you are affiliated with a church or some other religious institution and ask that person to find someone who has expertise in this area ( many clergy people have been trained, many have not-so make sure its someone who has had actual instruction).If money isn't a crucial issue, tell your therapist that your marriage is in trouble and you need immediate help. If he or she doesnt respond, go to a hospital plan you are involved in and ask for an emergency referral.. get motivated to see someone since the marriage seems to be in major distress.
You need to find out what has caused you to lose your interest in your husband. Since you say you fantasize about another man, it doesnt seem to be a total loss of sexual interest. Are you mad at him? Dissapointed? You need to find out the answer so you can see if it is fixable. You can't just ask him to be abstinent. He didn't sign up for that-- no marriage does--and itreally is against the whold idea of an intimate relationship. Your husband may be doing things that have made you lost respect or in some way has made you not want him anymore- but you can't have that as a status quo- you need to repair the problem- or you will lose the relationship. If that is what you are willing to do- so be it. But you have two small children , so you need to think long and hard if this is what you really want. Maybe you need to leave- I don't know- but you need to know what is really going on-this isn't just about sex!
No therapist is going to support a marriage without sex between two 25 year olds. But we can find out if there are things that can be fixed that would make sex more appealing again. It sounds like you are very distant from one another- and it sounds like you are very passive about what is happening. You could be clinically depressed- and that is a dangerous place to be-- and if you went to a hospital and told them about these feelings, they might find you help right away,.
In other words, I am taking this very seriously and you should too. Particularly if it turns out you are depressed and this is cutting off your ability to relate well to your husband. I wonder, is this affecting your relationship to your children as well? If it is, you REALLY need to contact someone right away.
I do support your right to be happy. But you need to be an agent in your own behalf and see a professional as soon as possible.
You need to find out what has caused you to lose your interest in your husband. Since you say you fantasize about another man, it doesnt seem to be a total loss of sexual interest. Are you mad at him? Dissapointed? You need to find out the answer so you can see if it is fixable. You can't just ask him to be abstinent. He didn't sign up for that-- no marriage does--and itreally is against the whold idea of an intimate relationship. Your husband may be doing things that have made you lost respect or in some way has made you not want him anymore- but you can't have that as a status quo- you need to repair the problem- or you will lose the relationship. If that is what you are willing to do- so be it. But you have two small children , so you need to think long and hard if this is what you really want. Maybe you need to leave- I don't know- but you need to know what is really going on-this isn't just about sex!
No therapist is going to support a marriage without sex between two 25 year olds. But we can find out if there are things that can be fixed that would make sex more appealing again. It sounds like you are very distant from one another- and it sounds like you are very passive about what is happening. You could be clinically depressed- and that is a dangerous place to be-- and if you went to a hospital and told them about these feelings, they might find you help right away,.
In other words, I am taking this very seriously and you should too. Particularly if it turns out you are depressed and this is cutting off your ability to relate well to your husband. I wonder, is this affecting your relationship to your children as well? If it is, you REALLY need to contact someone right away.
I do support your right to be happy. But you need to be an agent in your own behalf and see a professional as soon as possible.
Member Comments (4)
by whatisay, Jul 19, 2007 12:00AM
YOui need to reconect with him- and he with you. Maybe a quickie to satisfy him, but it needs to be deeper-take the time to explore with each other. not just have sex- give him the chance to get y ou turned on- don't just shut down-
by Lashenna, Jul 26, 2007 12:00AM
I know how you feel but don't let it get you down. My husband is the same way and the only thing you can do is just act like you into it. or just leave him because he's no good. you need to tell him how you feel and explain to him that you need him to please you like a woman should be please. I know you love him deeply but if he puts you down leave him or just show him how much you care ok. keep your head up sweatie ok.
by mvenegas, Aug 05, 2007 10:32AM
I understand how you feel, All I do is think of another man while I'm with my husband. That is all that could help. The only thing is that he's not the one nagging me for sex. I am but instead of going out and cheating on him I just act like I'm having sex with another man.
