Mixed up relationship

[Pete1001]

Hi Dr,

In a nutshell: affair with married older woman who was trying to separate from husband as he was abusive. They had IVF few years ago and it failed-docs siad she was infertile,dates me and now pregnant by me. She is financially dependent on him. As I'm that much younger cant support her stop her losing everything when they divorce. Hence highly strung about us getting caught by him as he could take everthing she owns (ie their house which she paid for).
Also close loss in her family adding to stress. Expects me to suddenly jump at anybody unrealistically offerring me 3x current salary-when i know not smart enough.Can't just talk in evenings as he's home, cant talk in day as I'm at work-and getting super emotional midday just ruins my work and could get me sack-as it nearly has many times since met her. Hence we dont get to talk about serious stuff-and we just dont have any fun anymore because shes so infirm with nasty injury she suffered few nonths back.

I'm so depressed as its no win.I leave then shes all on her own with no support and I lose someone i love,and my child.I stay and I'm driven into a mental institute because I don't meet the mark in terms of this relationship- and possibly lose my job because of the mental hoops she expects me to jump through that I just cannot.

I'm at the end of my tether and very miserable.The last 4 weeks have been a permanent headache.Please help.

[green eyed lady]

I am so sorry that you are going through something so emotional and the fact that you feel it's a no-win situation. I really don't have much advice to give to you except that I believe everything happens for a reason. You say you love this woman and the fact that she thought she was infertile and now she is pregnant, maybe this was meant to be?

You seem very focused on the money issues as well you should be, however, money doesn't necessarily equate with happiness. I know...I was married for 16 yrs to a man who is very wealthy and for most of that time I was depressed. He wasn't abusive physically but he was abusive emotionally and after a lot of yrs it took it's toll on me. I am now separated and I don't live the lifestyle that I used to but I am happier living life on my terms.

I believe that she needs to come clean with her husband, with your support of course, and then you both deal with the aftermath...if that means losing her home and the both of you building a life together from scratch, then so be it.

I don't want to sound harsh but you did have an affair with a married woman and you conceived a child together so now it's time to man up and do whatever it takes to raise a happy and healthy child. We all make sacrifices for our children.

I do wish you the best of luck and God's Blessings.

[Lotsatrout]

You did have an affair... HELLO!  These are just a few of the rotten consequences of making such a rotten decision.  I hate to use the phrase... "you made your bed, now you have to sleep in it"  but it just seems to fit so well in this post.  People make stupid decisions and then want everyone else to fell sorry for them or tell them that everything is going to be ok.  More than likely things will not be ok.  You knocked up a married woman.  You can't just get away with something like that.  It's called ADULTERY and there are natural consequences that are set in motion when you make a decision like that.  Not just for you but for this woman as well.  I'm afraid to tell you that not only have the past 4 weeks just been a headache.  This could potentially be a lifelong headache.  

[pete1002]

(Sorry Lost my login so now Pete1002)
I'm glad you find happiness - you sound kind and caring and your reassurance is exactly what I wanted-affirmation that what I was thinking was OK-after all cant really talk to my sis about it without getting same as second response and permanent ostricisation from family.

The headache is over now (albeit explosively): she got home early from a weekend visiting the folks and found him in bed with some unknown woman. She just left and came straight round to mine in tears-knowing that he could just do that in their house. She had just told her family that she was leaving him so was a stressful weekend all round-but her mum and dad were supportive of her decision.

She is getting a part time job nearby-nothing too adventurous as her leg is still a bit dodgy from the crash. But so that we can afford proper medical insurance at least for the birth and to look after her and the baby, and save a deposit for a house together, and so that she doesn't go insane being inside all day with noone to talk to.

I also have been offered a promotion at work so things are working out all round-so should be able to move bit closer to NY to ease the commute.

I'm actually over the moon-but sad that she still has to deal with him and the legalities of divorcing him-but I'll support her all the way whatever she wants to do to sort that out.

Thanks for the reassurance and kick up the backside-the hand of fate made it happen anyway.

[green eyed lady]

Wow! It sounds like there hasn't been a dull moment in your life for awhile.

I am very happy that things are looking up for you and your GF...even though things ended badly with her husband, I really believe it was meant to BE.

Life may get rough for awhile with her getting a divorce but just keep your eye on the prize...a beautiful baby! I know you said you were much younger than she is and I am so very happy that you are stepping up and doing the right thing. It's so easy these days to say "see ya" and it's refreshing to see someone doing the right thing.

Good luck to you all. E