could this be dementia/or a personality disorder?

[frenchie]

My grandmother has, for years, been characterized by fixating her thinking on certain things and obsessing over them.  She has also lived as a completely dependent woman, totally according to her husband's rules and desires.  She doesn't know how to write her own checks and has never learned to drive.  She has recently lost her husband, my grandfather this past October to lung cancer.  She has declined steadily.  While Grandpa was suffering over the last few years, though, she has steadily stopped taking care of herself (including not combing her hair to the point that is is completely matted, not brushing her teeth, not bathing, doing laundry, letting food rot and decay in her refridgerator, etc)  She wouldn't allow anyone to help her care for him, and refused to give hime certain kinds of medicines.  It is to the point now that she will only eat when people bring her lunch or dinner. She will not even go outside of the house for her mail and paper, she depends on her children to do everything for her.  They will not encourage her to do things for herself, either.  Instead, they do everything for her.  I'm not sure if this is enabling behavior and in the long run, making it worse.  Her hygiene is horrible, I can't bear to see her like this.  She hides things, too.  If she suspects anyone thinks that she has said something abnormal, she will quickly change the subject of normal conversation.  She has also said some vicious remarks to one member of the family and sometimes acts  paranoid that the family is after her home or money.  Noone acts around her like this is abnormal, they try to passify her and just keep her happy.  Is this wrong?  I am afraid that other people will think she is not taken care of when they see her.  She is bone thin, raggad, hair matted, teeth rotting.  She absolutely refuses to go to any doctor.  She will not go out of the house for lunch, let alone anywhere else.  She will not go anywhere outside, even her own backyard.  My mother has now taken on the responsability of seeing to it that she is with her everyday and makes certain she eats.  But she isoverstressed, depressed, unable to take care of her own health problems by forfeiting them for grandma's sake.  I have read briefly about dementia, my mother refuses the thought that grandma may have alzheimer's.  Could this be dementia, or a personality disorder, or severe depression?  Any help or advice would be graciously accepted.  I am having trouble dealing with this problem and my family will not admit how severe this has become.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Your grandmother should definitely be under a doctor's care, and there is a very good chance that the doctor would insist on having your grandmother live in a nursing home where she could be taken care of properly.  The current system is intolerable and hurts everyone, as well as endangering your grandmother.



This could be a combination of dementia and depression, so she must see a doctor.  That is what you should tell your mother.If it is depression, she could easily be treated and get back on her feet.

[frenchie]

I simply wish to thank you for the advice and for this forum.  My mother has still refused to confront the issue, however I am trying to deal with this situation in a healthy manner.  I have no control over this, but I have been gently trying to talk with my mother over the issue.  I even emailed a copy of my message and the response, but mom can't seem to take control.  Only she, her sisters or brother can do so.  They have the right as family and legally as poa.  All I can do is continue to talk with my mother and not allow her to evade the issue.  I just wish that I could do more.  Thank you so much, even if my family will not face things, for providing a forum for people like me to at least have the courage to ask...