how to cope

[smurf]

Today is the 5th anniversary of my daughters death. She was born premature. I have not been able to get pregnant again. -Lots of chronic medical problems. One of which is infertility. I've tried treatment no luck and to stressful. Trouble is I can't seem to get past it. It complicated by the fact I had an abortion 18 years ago due to a rape. now I feel like I killed my chance at a family. I have been hopitalized twice for treatment of depression and I see myself spiraling that way again.

I can't eat.I've lost weight. but mostly I feel so empty. I don't want to do anything. I feel like such a burden to my family and husband becasue of my other med. problems. and I feel like a failure as a wife. The hurt hasn't lessened as time has passed. i feel the same today as I did 5 years ago. I have s pshyciatrist, I am on Zoloft. I don't know what else to do to try and cope. I am so tired of feeling like this. How can I get over my grief/guilt.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Its a complicated answer, but let me try a simple version. People get over their grief only when they really accept the loss on the deepest level. You seemed to be caught on a deep level, but not quite all the way.  That is, I detect that you are living with regret as if that was the last chance to have a successful life...so you are still lingering in some kind of confused hope/regret space.  When you fully accept the loss, you are released to make your current like work better than it is because you acknowledge  life in its fullest mystery and complexity, and know, on a deep level, that you must go on, and that you can make your life work.



Work with your psychiatrist on that..If you want a boost, go to my masteringstress program( link above) and start working to make your life work.

[smokeater]

Please don't despair!  I too lost a child.  This August will be the 6th anneversary of her death as well.  I was told that I wouldnt be able to have children again but I was belssed with 2 more, but with extreme complications.  My daughter too was born pre-mature and only lived 2 1/2 days before she passed away.  I also was raped at the age of 11 and got pregnant, but did not abort it, I miscarried.  I have had 3 miscarriages and my daughter who was considered a neo-natal death.  I too have many many other health problems as well.  As a matter of fact I am getting ready to have major Brain surgery on Tuesday to have a shunt put in, followed by and Optic nerve fenestration (also neurological), and then finally a hysterectomy.  All within the next 2 months.

  I truly understand the feeling like an inadequate wife, and the failure in general that you feel.  I too feel that way alot.  I wish I could say I know how you feel about the loss of your child, but I can't.  I mean I know what it felt to me to lose a child and I can share that with you, but your situation is diffrent from mine and everyone grieves diffrently so I will not pretend to know how you feel becuaser I cannot possibly.

  I still mourn my little girl as if she died yesterday.  People ask me how many kids I have and I tell them 4 even though 3 are living.  Yes I was very blessed to have the children that I have so again cannot relate, but it took me many years to get pregnant with my 3 boys and it was heartache the whole way, wondering if I would carry to term.  If the same thing that happened to my daughter would happen to them/me.

  I am so sorry for your loss, but please do know that you are not alone.  First and formost I have Jesus in my life to help me cope and I too have a therapist and med. dr.  You can never forget a child living or deceased, but you can remember them as they were.  Wither you had 2 sec. or 2 decades with them.  You can still remember them.  I talk to my little girl everyday in my prayers and that helps.  I also write poetry about/to her.  Maybe not for anyone else to see, but for me.  It's a release of emotion for me.  Maybe it would help you.  It doesnt have to rhyme or match.  Just write what you feel.  I guarentee that you will feel some sort of relief.

  I will pray for you whoever you are that your heart may be consoled with the love of God.  And that he may put you at peace with you despair.  There is a  verse in the bible that says  " I can do all things through Christ who lives in me".  You know that very verse got me through a whole lot.  Maybe it will help you.  Maybe you are not a religious person, I dont know, I just know what has helped me.  And at times of deep despair such as yours, I grabbed at anything, and Jesus is what I ended up with.  I hope I have not offened you.  Please take care and know that you are in my prayers and thought of.



Sincerely,

Smokeater

[smurf]

Thanks. You have certainly not offended me in any way. It is by faith that I am still here. I don't have the strength of faith of Job but I'm trying. I hope your surgery goes well. I just underwent open heart 7 weeks ago today. I am 35. I wish I could just get over this empty feeling. I think about suicide often but honestly I saw to many botched attempts when I worked on the ambulance to try it. Everything else in my life has no gone right why would that. I'd probably mess that up too.Then I would be a burden to my family. Anyway, thanks for the help.

[Ritty]

this is my first time in coming to this site, and I was upset at reading about your loss and your grief.  Over ten years ago I was on prozac, at which time I became pregnant.  My doctor and my mother thought it best that I do not have the baby, due to the possible deformities, and my difficulties with depression.  I agreed to have an abortion, and yet I still feel the grief at times, especially the months surrounding my pregnancy and the abortion.  I am positive it would have been a beautiful girl, and I grieve that I never got to meet her or to have her.  i am sure it is a natural, maternal instinct to have this connection, whether they are with you or not.  I do feel that perhaps the zoloft you are taking is not a strong enough milligram ( I had been on it for years, and was up to 150 mg); you should not feel so depressed and burdensome on antidepressants.  Have you discussed this continual depression with your doctor?  He/she should be more attentive to this, and work harder with you at finding the right dose, or medication.  It is not working for you if you feel that way, and as much support people can give, it still is not going to have the most impact that correct medication will.  I am now on Celexa (30 mg), and am still new to

it.  reviews should be done with your doctor more regularly until you  feel releif and normalcy (yeah, what is that?).  my heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best, as I too, have experience with loss and deal with depression.  We are still in an age where antidepressants are constantly being improved.  I am 31 years old, and have not tried to get pregnant, but I long to very much so.  My fear is that I shall never have the joy in knowing what it is like, and i wonder if my abortion is a cause.  DO NOT GIVE UP; I don't have the cure, or the answers, but I too, like many others out there care and wish you the best.  My prayers are with you.  ( I thought the reply from the previous person was so touching; I was intimidated to write a reply after something that heartfelt and sensitive.  Good luck!

[smokeater]

I truly meant it that I hope and pray for your feelings of guilt and loss to be liughtened in your heart.  Let me give you my email address and if you ever want to talk about this I would be more than happy.  I know what it's like not to be able to tlak and you just want someone who will listen and be supportive.  My emailo address is:



***@****



Feel free to email me and let me know how you are or if you just want someone to listen.  Hope you have a wonderful day, and God Bless!



Smokeater

[bumtummy]

I have read the previous comments, and would not even suggest that "I know how you feel". I lost two babies to miscarriage, and there is some history before that that I won't even get into, but I felt that I was being punished by God taking my children from me. I went into a severe post partum depression after the second loss, and was also hospitalized. Didn't get very good medical care, don't think anyone really understood, and it took a long time to get past it. I still think of the daughter that I lost, but I no longer blame God. I went back to church for confession to unburden my soul, and the priest was so kind, (not what I remember from childhood!), and assured me that

God would never punish his children in that way, any more than I would do that to my own children. That put it in better perspective. I will always have remorse, but he suggested to me that I should take care of those I do have and love them as best I can. Not perfect, as best I can. Over the years, I have been able to believe that there is a better place beyond, and it has helped me in dealing with the loss of loved ones, none of us are meant to be here forever, and some less than others, and that is just the way of it. Acceptance is a difficult thing, because we have very human emotions of grief and loss. I think at this point, you have to find the one most important thing to deal with, and that is your depression, because until that is under control, you won't be able to see these other issues in a more realistic light. Be persistent with your doctors about appropriate medications, do what you can to let your body heal, and your heart and soul along with it. It will take time, but it is possible. Maybe not the life you always wanted, but certainly better than it is today.  When you are physically able, you might want to consider joining a support group for grieving parents. you are not alone, as you can see. Don't be afraid to pray, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

[oh please already]

(((((((((((((((((honey))))))))))))))))) sometimes the healthest thing to do is cry,dont  apologise,you have a loss most dont understand,but i promise that when you are ready and you are able you will find a child whos life will be improved because of you,maybe not a child of your body but one of your heart.