Not Depressed - But Lonely

[silvercomet]

About a year and a half ago I ended a 10 year relationship because my ex was suffering from too much for me to deal with... various addictions, etc. (posted on here about it).



Generally I'm in a good place in my life... good paying job, nice house, decent friends (though I could probably use a few more quality ones)... but I am inherently lonely and having a real tough time finding a quality well adjusted person to add to my life. The situation gets depressing sometimes and I dwell on it. It can affect my work at times - as I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to meet this special person. The feelings were compunded the other day when my ex mentioned that he's "seeing someone" (Let me say that I feel sorry for that person when they find out what I already know). The thought of spending the rest of my life alone is terrifying. I know the cliche's "You won't find anyone when you're looking." and "You can't love someone until you love yourself first". While somewhat true... I think you have to put forth effort and I generally hold myself in good esteem at this time.



The issue is also compunded by the fact that I met this guy who's bowled me over... something I haven't felt in many mnay years. He flirts with me and we touch base perodically. But though single - he's says he's not in a healthy place in his life to date right now. That's fine... so he continues to be elusive.



Is there some good practical advice for someone in this stage in there life? I suspect there are a ton of folks out there in this boat, but won't admit it.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You are right, this is a common issue for so many. The practical advise is simple...just continue to be creative about meeting the right people through work, hobbies, friends, trips,by chance,clubs, dating service.  See it as a numbers problem to solve.  If you meet enough, and you are ready, it will happen. Be careful of the elusive ones...they can cost you years.



Remember that in the long run you are looking for someone to be a life partner..not just a short term good time fun partner, but a long term.  And that means a person you can trust, with good character.



I have created a program called Relationship Tester, that you can take free on ivillage.com.  There you can measure your last relationship against a solid scale of intimacy and bonding, and in so doing, have a better idea of what it takes to create and maintain the long term partnership bonding I am talking about.

[TCHONEY]

I read this and it sounds like my life.

[joyce45]

I am an older female, but had the same exact feelings as you.  I had some not so great short relationships, and decided I had pretty much had it with dating, etc. and was in a good place by myself with my few good friends.  As soon as I decided I was okay, and that it may not be meant for me to be with someone in my lifetime, everything changed. A friend of mine wanted me to meet a guy she worked for at one time for many years.  He was separated and going through a divorce; he was not thrilled to meet anyone, nor was I at that point.  Well, we are together close to a year, and I know we will spend our lives together.  It just happens if you don't look too hard, it seems.  It will happen for you too, but meanwhile have some fun and dwell on the good things in your life. That's what I was doing, and all of a sudden...everything changed.  Regards.

[silvercomet]

...some follow-up for those reading this thread. I few weeks ago a psychologist friend of mine gave me a book to read and much of the book's tone was right along the line of the Doc's response posted here. The book also itemizes "warning signs" of problematic dates to stay away from... and stresses the "numbers" issue.



Things are brighter today... both of these two nice guys I had dates with over the last few weeks have called up and asked to go out again. And I joined a singles camping and outdoors club that starts December 15th.

[maab]

I have just been through the same thing, and I have some advice.

I ended a three year relationship, and was living alone for the first time (not so easy in LA). I started going back to school at night and met a woman whom I believed was just right for me. I now realize that she was not even close, but I told myself she was because I was lonely and felt I needed companionship. I invested so much in this relationship, and obsessed about how to get her. We would get close, then she would push me away, only to repeat this cycle three times. Everytime, I would experience severe anxiety and was definately depressed, because I unrealistically convinced myself that I should be able to "win" her. I also convinced myself that although I was successful with work, school and money; I was a faliure with relationships because I could not get her. I  started to feel that even though I am a "good catch", I would never find my other half and be alone forever.

Yesterday, she pushed me away for the last time, and now all of the doubts I had about myself are gone. I truly feel reborn.

My advice to you from this experience:

Most importantly, you must recognize when you form unrealistic expectations (about anything) in your mind. You will only frustrate yourself.

No one else can make you happy = you cannot change yourself for someone else.

Be careful with this guy who bowls you over. You are vulnerable. The minute you are not in the kind of relationship you want, make it known. Do not sacrifice your happiness to try to keep him.

Your other half is out there.

P.S. What book are you reading?

[joyce45]

It has been my experience that guys who 'bowl you over' are never the right ones, though they seem to be in the short run.  Being friends first is always the best road for women for long term loving relationship.  All the gals who go too fast into a relationship are always sorry later; the guys don't tend to think about those things much at all and just move on. I hope everyone finds the best person for them.

[lonely71]

I have a just moved from a large city to a very small one. I live by myself and did not know a sole when I moved here. I guess I was extrememly lonely so I got on this internet dating system. After a few not so bad dadtes I met this one man. He appeared to be everything I ever wanted. He was working as a research assoc. at the university and would be go back to get his PhD. He was an only child and was adopted.



We went out several times and things were going great. We became best friends. We got into a few arguements but for the 4 months we dated everything was fun and I felt like I had a best friend. I saw him blow up at me one time but usually he was very analytical in his arguments. I found out that he had a bad relationship with his father and his mother had no backbone.



I noticed that he called his parents for advice on EVERYTHING. I thought this was a little strange. He did not have any friends here and everyone at his job disliked him. He was a loner type.



The weird thing was he always brought up marriage from day one. Then we would get into  arguments and he would overly analyze everything. It was frustrating. he kept talking about marriage and of course I fell right into his trap. I was in love and he was all I wanted.



We have broken up because he decided to  move 2 hours away and finish his PhD. He said that we had too many arguments and he could not marry someone he only knew for 4 months. He really led me on and I was hurt. It has only been a few days since the breakup and I don't know what to do.



I know inside that he is not right for me. He lies and there is no trust there at all. I am just going crazy in my head though. I am 31, never married, good looking, good catch etc. I thought finally I had met "the one".



I became obsessed with why he would not marry me. I read his personal email and he had told his friends thingsg like "I was holding him back and I was just basically entertainment while he was here since he had no frineds"



I just want to know how to effectively deal with this. I feel like I never ever want to date again.....but the thoguht of being alone forever kills me. I have a Hx of depression and am on meds. I also see a therapist weekly for it. The therapist said I was so lucky I had someone (him) to talk to and listen to me. Now I don't. I just can't stop thinking about things!! I am  not going to work and I am crying and just simply depressed all the time. I don't talk to my family and I have no friends. Please help me!

[socialskills25]

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that sharing your feelings helped me out today.   I have recently been in a couple of relationships that broke my heart.  I obsess about them lots.  It is very comforting to know that I am not crazy or completely alone.  I encourage you to write to me so that we can work through this together.