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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
Incest and sexual disfunction
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
Incest and sexual disfunction
by grealham, Nov 24, 2002 12:00AM
My wife and I have been married for going on twenty years. When we first met the sex was two sided, more her than me. During our first year of marriage, after our daughter was born. I noticed her starting to set up a routine on the way we had sex. Her flat on her stomach during vaginal sex with me stimulating her clitoris with my hand. My hand would fall asleep after awhile from her laying on it. She can not orgasm without the stimulation. When she orgasms, it's only once and she says it hurts after or that she feels smothered. She did tell me before we married that her father (a truck driver) had sex with her when she was a teenager. I've had a feeling since the beginning of our marriage that this was caused by the incest. I've tried through the years to help her open up more, by talking to her and giving her emotional support. She doesn't communicate back much due to as she says, that her family (mainly her mother) didn't communicate emotions much. I've tried to give her books on the subject, along with every approach I could think of to open her up. Now, I have had a little progress in stimulating the sex life and getting her out of that routine, but the sex feels as though it's cheap. She gives no emotion during sex and it's as though she'd be in a conversation on telling me what she needs. I could count on my hand the amount of times she has taken control of the situation. I've felt for years that the sex has been onesided. I must add that I did break once and cheat on my wife, but due to the lack of emotion. That was in 1991. I promised that I would not do it again and I haven't. We stayed together, until now. When I Retired out of the military in 1995. We moved to south Florida. We lived there for 5 years, when she decides that she has to move to Oklahoma (where her father lives). I agree to the move along with a statement that it's a bad ideal, because I love her. I agree to move to Oklahoma City, because it's still away from her father and explain this to her. Once we get to Oklahoma, everything gets bad financially. Her father (who she visits on the weekends) and her start to talk me into moving to Tulsa on his land. Feeling financially pushed into it, I agree with reserves on the father. I tell her all of this, trying to keep to communication. Once on her fathers land, she starts spending alot of time with him, showing emotions towards him and allowing him to put his hands on her inner thigh. I ran as fast as I could back to Florida. Am I just seeing things or is my wife in love with her father.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Nov 25, 2002 12:00AM
, Nov 25, 2002 12:00AM
From what you have told me here, you have every reason to suspect that your wife's incestuous relationship with her father has left her somewhat frozen in time in that part of her life.
whatever is going on with your wife and her father now is probably not love but some attempt on the part of your wife to master this relationship and release herself from its hold on her.
I know you have tried everything but has she been in therapy or will she go? That is the only possible way to help her. Unless she does go into treatment about this, it is very unlikely that anything you could do directly will be of any help, so you have to think carefully about protecting yourself emotionally.
whatever is going on with your wife and her father now is probably not love but some attempt on the part of your wife to master this relationship and release herself from its hold on her.
I know you have tried everything but has she been in therapy or will she go? That is the only possible way to help her. Unless she does go into treatment about this, it is very unlikely that anything you could do directly will be of any help, so you have to think carefully about protecting yourself emotionally.
Member Comments (1)
by jennjenn, Dec 27, 2002 12:00AM
As a victim of paternal incest, I can relate to your wife. My father didn't have sex with me, but he did molest me. I have had trouble having sex with my husband (we've been married almost 2 years). My father was in the Navy, and he left for a few years on duty while my mother and sisters and I stayed in our house. When he came back, I was eager to heal the wounds and begin a good relationship with my father again. However, when he started touching me in certain places and watching me while I slept, I didn't do or say anything. I just tried to ignore it, hoping that I was reading him wrong. Now I know that I was in denial. Maybe that's what your wife is going through. She definately needs help, and soon. I'm only 24 years old, I have time to cope with reality. I don't know how old your wife is, but she needs to wake up. If you truly love her, go back and get her out of that situation, whether she likes it or not. Good luck.
