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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
Overcoming Death of Wife
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
Overcoming Death of Wife
by frankner01, Apr 30, 2003 12:00AM
My wife and I were Married for 49 years. She died on 3/6/03. During the last 2 1/2 years she was bed-bound and I was her caregiver at home. We knew she had an incurable disease, but the finality of her death is more than I can bear. I find no joy in life anymore. I am consumed with thoughts of our life together. Pictures, places, words, etc. etc. bring me to tears. I visit the cemetary daily although I know she is with God and all our friends and relatives in heaven and we will all be together again someday. I did not know that her death would have the effect on me that it does. If I could find a way of being with her I would want to pursue that avenue of relief. I have 3 sons who have families of their own and are trying the best they know how to help me. Will these feelings subside with time? Should I seek medical help? Do you have any suggestions? Are there any audio or video tapes that discuss thi situation? Thanks, Frank.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Apr 30, 2003 12:00AM
, Apr 30, 2003 12:00AM
Frank, I am sorry to hear of your loss. There is a normal grief process that takes time..months to get throught the acute phase you are now in, and getting better and more hopeful all of the time. But, it some other ways, grief never ends...YOu may be feeling fine for weeks at a time, and suddenly have a new wave of pain and anguish. Those are the feeling-intelligence of your body-mind. You just have to go through it, day by day, each day putting more time into your own life and future, but never forgetting.
You can ask your doctor for some temporary medications, like Celexa or Zoloft, to help your mood a little bit, but don't take too much, just enough to help you through.
You must keep your life moving even while you are grieving.
You can ask your doctor for some temporary medications, like Celexa or Zoloft, to help your mood a little bit, but don't take too much, just enough to help you through.
You must keep your life moving even while you are grieving.
I too am in a similar situation, in that I am greiving over the death of my mother, with whom I took care of since she became disabled when I was 22yrs old and am now 40. I never married, am a nurse, and she became not just my mother, but my best friend, soul mate, life partner. She died 10 months ago, and I mourn her death everyday. A few words of advice. Don't let anyone put a time limit on your grieving process. It is different for everyone, but the pain is no greater or lessor than anyone elses. It is HORRIBLE! I have had my ups and downs in my life, but I have never experienced anything like this emotionally, and was never prepared for or expected my reactions to her death. This has been the most devestating event in my life, I crashed. Someone I had been with since I could just say Goo goo, was suddenly GONE! No one I have spoken to in my age group has gone through this, and cannot fathom the depth of my grief, and after the initial condolences they have backed off, and I am alone with it. I sought out grief counseling, and only ran into some kooks, but I don't want to dissuade you from giving it a try, because you will need to vocalize your pain, express your grief, and do your "grief work", there are some good counsellors out there, I was just unfortunate in running into the ones I did. When I hit bottom and found no one around me who could hear me, and everyone shy'd clear of me, one blessing I discovered was that God could hear me. I bought books about grief, bereavment etc. but they only gave me frame references as to what I might expect. I was seeking relief from this terrible pain in my heart and soul, a way out of the black abyss, and try to get my feet back on the ground from the swirling whirlwind that has kept me from finding my place in time and space. It only seems like the other week she died. I made the mistake of going to a psychiatrist who tried me on one anti-depressant medication after another. For some people these drugs work, for me they had horrible side effect. Then I was place on Klonipin, which seemed to help (for a while). Then I needed more and more of it to keep the desired effect, which was not to feel so bad, but soon realized after some research that anti-anxiety medications can prolong the grief, and now that I want off the medication found out that it has some nasty withdrawal symptoms including Grand Mal Seizures, and rebound depression. So I have to keep on the medication and slowly wean, (slowly in that Klonipin inhibits an important neurotransmitter called GABA or gamma-aminobutyric acid which inhibits other neurotransmitters that are excitatory). By just stopping the medication the GABA that we normally produce does not come back to normal levels all at once, but takes months to return, and in the meantime all the exitatory neurotransmitters run amuck and can short circuit the brain so to speak and cause seizures and severe withdrawal symptoms. I don't mean to scare you, just educate you, because I went to doctors and they prescribed this medication to me without telling me what it would do.
I won't get into all the details of my grief, but one day, 9 months after my mother died, I wrote her a letter. I know it was a one way conversation, but it was communication none the less, and this helped me tremendously. I was talking to Mama. And in doing this I was able to distinguish the fact that I had accepted her loss, but had somehow entertwined the belief that I was responsible for her death for taking her to that crappy hospital, and they mismanaged her care and she died as a result of it. Knowing my Mother, she would forgive me anything, even though I was just doing what I thought was the best for her. I write to her often now, sometimes just to say good morning while drinking coffee and having a "ciggy" like she and I always did.
Frank, there is no "one sure cure" for grief. And like the doctor said, you don't get over it, you learn after some time to just live with it. Don't try to put it behind you so quickly because if not fully expressed to its entirety, it will bite you on the fanny later.
If you want to communicate with me further, you can contact me at andrea.***@**** my e-mail address. I have found other resources that may aid you during this terrible time, and talking with someone who is actually there and knows what you are feeling, truly feeling, is very beneficial.
Love and peace,
Andrea
So sorry you are going through this awful time.
Facing a loved one's death and the meaning of your own life and hers is the crux of what it is to be human.. and noone is immune from this.
Know that at this time you are not alone and infact each and every person in the universe has or will go through this huge loss, and this process is infact what binds us all and makes us human.
It is probably the greatest challenge that we ever have to face, and i'm sure in time you will be able to be at peace.
much love,
Peggy
God Bless and thanks again.