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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
How can I help or deal with my potentially paranoid partner?
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
How can I help or deal with my potentially paranoid partner?
by kathryn b, Sep 25, 2003 12:00AM
I have recently been trying to find out info on paranoid personality disorder since a couple of very difficult weeks with my boyfriend. We planned a vacation in which I went to visit my best friend in Copenhagen Denmark where he would join us for a few days and then we'd continue on as a couple for just over a week in Greece.
The night after he arrived in DK the three of us went over her friends house for drinks with a few guys. He became convinced that I had had an affair with one of the guys (who I had just met.) He had a running report of how I looked at him how I seemed stressed out, how my friend was looking at his in a guilty way, how she and I went to the bathroom together to talk about the uncomfortable situation, how the suspected guy seemed fidgetty...on and on he told all these things he claimed were facts. The next 36 hours were spent yelling mean things at me questioning me over and over, ("why don't you just tell me the truth? do you love him? did you and your friend plan this? how long have you known him?...) hysterically crying, avoiding me, trying to change plane tickets, pleading with my friend to tell him the truth and finally believing me.
There have been other moments in our relationship where trust and faith have been questioned (still unfounded) but none so far fetched and dramatic as this.
We went to Greece together, did a lot of talking about trust and had a great time, only to return to DK for a day before our flight home and have him freak out again. The trigger this time was him walking in on me using the bathroom and reading a magazine. He claimed to have seen a love letter within it before i shut it and carried it out of the bathroom to give him his privacy. I was scared how sincerely convinved he was that he had really seen something where there were only celebrities and fashion photos. The whole rollercoaster resumed: accusation, avoidance,tears, acceptance apologies...
For me, the bottom line is that I know we are both very much in love with eachother and I want him to be in a more consistant mental state whether we are together or not because I want him to be happy. I don't know if self-esteem is a participating factor as his business is folding and I think he sees himself as a failure right now.
Is there anything I can do to help him see the truth? (I considered finding someone to administer a polygraph but fear that if he truly has paranoid personality disorder that he wouldn't trust the results anyway.) More importantly, is there a way to ease him into looking into medical or psychological help since as of now he is convinced that he is strong enough to handle his own mind and our relationship on his own. Lastly, are there any sources you'd reccommend I seek out to help me understand what he may be going through and to ease our communication about it.
The night after he arrived in DK the three of us went over her friends house for drinks with a few guys. He became convinced that I had had an affair with one of the guys (who I had just met.) He had a running report of how I looked at him how I seemed stressed out, how my friend was looking at his in a guilty way, how she and I went to the bathroom together to talk about the uncomfortable situation, how the suspected guy seemed fidgetty...on and on he told all these things he claimed were facts. The next 36 hours were spent yelling mean things at me questioning me over and over, ("why don't you just tell me the truth? do you love him? did you and your friend plan this? how long have you known him?...) hysterically crying, avoiding me, trying to change plane tickets, pleading with my friend to tell him the truth and finally believing me.
There have been other moments in our relationship where trust and faith have been questioned (still unfounded) but none so far fetched and dramatic as this.
We went to Greece together, did a lot of talking about trust and had a great time, only to return to DK for a day before our flight home and have him freak out again. The trigger this time was him walking in on me using the bathroom and reading a magazine. He claimed to have seen a love letter within it before i shut it and carried it out of the bathroom to give him his privacy. I was scared how sincerely convinved he was that he had really seen something where there were only celebrities and fashion photos. The whole rollercoaster resumed: accusation, avoidance,tears, acceptance apologies...
For me, the bottom line is that I know we are both very much in love with eachother and I want him to be in a more consistant mental state whether we are together or not because I want him to be happy. I don't know if self-esteem is a participating factor as his business is folding and I think he sees himself as a failure right now.
Is there anything I can do to help him see the truth? (I considered finding someone to administer a polygraph but fear that if he truly has paranoid personality disorder that he wouldn't trust the results anyway.) More importantly, is there a way to ease him into looking into medical or psychological help since as of now he is convinced that he is strong enough to handle his own mind and our relationship on his own. Lastly, are there any sources you'd reccommend I seek out to help me understand what he may be going through and to ease our communication about it.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Sep 27, 2003 12:00AM
, Sep 27, 2003 12:00AM
I would suggest that you try going to a therapist together and talk about this issue as a real problem that has to be dealt with. OUt of that he may end up in therapy and be able to explore what is really happening.
