Problems with shyness and smiling

[ipocina]

Hi, I am a 29 year-old male who's been having painful shyness since high school.  I barely can crack a smile to friends and family, even though I really want to smile at them.  It is not that I don't like my friends and family.  It is just that my shyness has reached a critical point in my life such that my shyness shows its ugly head wherever I go out with friends.



And forget about relationships.  I don't have any!!!  I don't even have ANY courage to ask any female out, despite my attractiveness I have toward them.  But every so often, I would converse with certain females, give them eye contact, but give no smile on my part.  And the pattern is the same:  the females see no smile on my face and the only thing I can think of is that they feel threatened by my facial expression, even though I don't mean to.



Overall, I am a average, reasonable happy guy, but just need a good kick in the behind in terms of getting rid of my shyness and putting a smile, ANY smile, on my face, so I can rest assure that people acknowledge that I am giving them warmth through my smile.



Are there any mental exercises (for example, focusing on certain imagery that would guarantee a smile on my face) that I can do to alleviate this problem of mine that does not require drugs?



Or do I need to see a therapist?



In general, I am a very disciplined individual and will listen to ANYTHING one has to say.  I just need some help.  At least, NOW I know I need help, and it is a first step in the right direction.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There are many resources on the internet for "social anxiety" include some self help programs.   YOu are right to also think about finding a therapist who works with guided imagery in your community.



REad more re social anxiety, on the net or in books..there is a lot there

[Try_to_be_social]

You have social anxiety disorder. This is a very common and treatable condition that is usually overlooked ensuing in delayed treatment. You should consult a cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist. In the meantime, set a background of calmness with minimal sensitivity by avoiding coffee, alcohol and refined sugar. Take plenty of rest and sleep. Give yourself a sense of fitness by doing exercises and sports. Manage anxiety by practicing deep breathing exercises and progressive muscular relaxation and meditation. According to Cognitive-Behavioral psychotherapy, one has to catch one’s irrational beliefs or autonomic negative thoughts, e.g. “What if they see my hands shakes?”, “What if I spill my food?”, “What if my voice trembles?”, “What if I say the wrong thing”, “What If I make a fool of myself?”, “What if she discover in my face…”, “What if my facial expression….”, “What if she see fear on my eyes?” Such thinking produces a lot of anxiety and the worst is expected and the easiest way out is to escape. Escape will only reinforce the association of the pair of social situation and escalating anxiety, maintaining such social phobia. The coping method is to exercise one’s anxiety management skill, distract onself by refocusing on concrete manageable task here and now (e.g. social skills) and turn automatic negative thoughts neutral (e.g. “How can she possibly see fear in my eyes?”, “How can they possibly notice my shaky hands as they are preoccupied with they own duty or problems”, “Even if they do notice, will they really think terrible things about me?”) or positive (e.g. “She will realize I am so attractive”, “They may or may not see I am totally absorbed in my writing.”) To replace negative thoughts by positive ones is known as cognitive restructuring. To be successful one has to be totally dedicated, persistant and consitant in repetively practicing such coping skills. One has to write up detail diary of their thoughts, feelings and actions when specific anxiety-provoking situations arise, thereby revealing one’s maladaptive thoughts and displaying their consequences on behavior, and helping in cognitive restructuring. A hierarchy of experiments has to be carried out to test the validity of irrational and rational beliefs, e.g. deliberately shaking one’s hand while writing to see if they notice. One has to join behavioral groups consisting of people of similar social anxiety pattern. The groups will be involved in graded exposure to numerous social situations, e.g. holding a birthday party for oneself around a table in a shopping-mall’s food court.

[ipocina]

Actually, I think I should have phrased my question a little differently:



How can I "physically" smile more?  I don't think I have a disorder; I am a very socially open person when it comes with

interacting with the "right" people, like positive people.



As soon as I approach negative people that can potentially suck my energy dry, I am in trouble:  Then, and only then, do I feel uneasy with my speech (stuttering), loss or wavering eye

contact, and general passive/soft conversational voice.



What I have managed to do throughout my entire life is provide a "half-smile".  You know, the one that doesn't show teeth at all, but does show its genuineness due to the facial movements around the eyes, which, in fact, does make smiles "real."  My REAL problem is how I can smile with teeth showing.



The ONLY way I can make a "full smile" (with teeth showing) is if I hear a really funny joke.  Is there some "smiling exercise" that I can perform that gets me psyched up for situations that require direct conversation, especially those that require pleasant facial expressions?



Bottom line:  I am NOT a depressed person!!!  I do, however, get those "natural" highs and lows, but, in general, do not exhibit any abnormal personality disorder, just some shyness.  That's all.  I just need SOMETHING, ANYTHING that "produces" some smile facial expression on my face, when, for instance, approaching a person and saying "Hello".

[Try_to_be_social]

Inability to make a full smile to your friends and family (except hearing a joke) for your “entire life.” Feeling of uneasy speech, poor eye contact, and soft voice when approaching “negative people.” I think you have suffered enough. I am sure no organic illness will cause that and therefore it must be psychological. To find out the secret is persistently trying again and again. The only way to make an accurate diagnosis to have a formal interview with a psychiatrist, who will refer you to a psychotherapist specialized in you problems. Never give up.

[kennyd]

Try_to_be_Social,



You're posting on this forum alot, with matter-of-fact statements regarding conditions, disorders, drugs, etc. such as the one you just gave to ipocina where you started off by saying "You have social anxiety disorder."  Really, are you qualified to make that diagnosis from ipocina's post?  The doctor who answers these questions wouldn't do so.  I'm guessing that you are not a doctor, and simply consider yourself well read and experienced on these subjects.



I think it's great that you actively participate here and I think you have alot of interesting things to say, but I think sometimes you present yourself as an authority rather than somebody just sharing their thoughts and opinions.  I think you should be more cautious in the way your present your thoughts, rather than matter-of-factly telling people that they have disorders or what medications they should be taking.

[Try_to_be_social]

I shall be more careful. Thanks.

[piglette]

Isn't it funny how many people elaborated their thoughts on this problem and brought up a lot of good points. The only person who didn't make an effort was the good doc, who pocketed the 5 bucks. He didn't even bother to mention a single website he was referring to.

[Shanamon]

Try teaching yourself to smile again.  People in asia who have never learned to smile (its not really in their culture) practice using a pencil.  Stick the pencil in ur mouth and it makes u have a pseudo smile.  Maybe you will slowly pick up a real smile.  Just a neat thought of tricking yourself.

[girl_next_door]

Hi im 21 year old female. I myself always have a problem with meeting new people. I dont know what trigger it but i remember when i was in high school, I didn't feel shy meeting people it all started when i graduated from high school. And as the years past by i  stopped hanging out with my friends because i felt like i wasen't what i use to be. I felt less energic and more depress.

Can anyone tell me what to do?