Mother

[Mickiee]

I am 53 and my mother is 81 and this woman has ruined my life. She is vindictive, suspicious, and negative. Her favorite pastime is finding ways to ruin any happiness that my brother and I could find in life. She is openly disapproving of us. In childhood, she screamed and screamed at us over everything. We were pretty good kids as we were afraid not to be. She screamed until there was nothing left inside of us. I decided when I was in the third grade that I hated her gutts, and my feelings have never changed. I have lived with a rage inside of me all of my life because of her. As she is 81 now and more vulnerable, I am trying to make sure that she is OK. I am a good person and I don't want her to feel badly at this age. But, she is still finding ways to rip me apart inside. I know that my feelings are my responsibility, but I don't know how to keep from becoming enraged at the things that this woman says and does. I don't remember loving this woman. I would like to walk away and never think of her again. How do you deal with someone who appears to be completely nuts or just plain evil? Where is her conscience? Everything is everyone elses fault, never hers. How can she believe that? When she gets angry at you, she cuts you out of her life, like she did her own brother. I think I've always known this and is why I have never tried to talk to her about my feelings. I've always know too, that it wouldn't work because my rage is too intense. If I ever told her what I thought of her, God only knows what would happen.

I want release from this woman's hatred and mental illness. Like I said, my rage for this woman has hurt me all of my life and I would like to spend my remaining years free of her. I don't know how to take some care of her and keep her from hurting me. She cannot stop trying to punish me for whatever she thinks I did when I was three. This has been going on since my brother and I were toddlers.

I know she is crazy, but that doesn't keep me from reacting to her manipulations and her downgrading of me.

Also, I have discovered that my husband is bisexual. I do not sleep with him anymore. I can't handle this behavior of his. He doesn't know that I know. I need to leave him and I know this.I don't care if people are gay, I just can't be married to someone who is bisexual. He obviously wasn't honest with me when we got married which is a breech of trust.  It's just very hard at my age and going through this garbage with that woman, and now I have to get a divorce on top of it.

What in the world makes people act like this? She treats me like a sister that she hates and is jealous of. Needless to say, I have spent my life trying to understand what is wrong with her and gotten nowhere. I don't care anymore. She is obviously not going to change. I have to face this. Even is she did, I have so much anger from before, that it wouldn't make a difference. She is purposely cruel to others and also to children. Please give me your best advice.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

My best advice is to spend some good time with a good therapist and talk this through, point by point.  You have to find a way to satisfy your conscience and sense of responsibility to her but also to set boundaries, limit your exposure, and to take charge rather than be the reactor.  This issue with your husband is another good reason to be in therapy so you can make the wisest choices about that as well.

[Ringtail]

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I feel in several ways that I have experienced the same as you have with your mother. My mother didn't seem to be as 'evil' as your mother, but I do hold a lot of resentment of her "double standaaards". Some things you describe, like everything is someone else's fault and never hers fits my mother. She also goes into compulsive "junk mail" mode and buys a lot of stuff through junk mail and also spends hours and hours reading junk mail. She also thinks she is extroardinary intelligent, thinking she is right up there with someone who has a college degree in the sciences, but she only has a high school diploma. Her twisted way of looking at the world has messed my concept of the world. Even simple biological functions she was wrong until I did get my college degree in Zoology and minor in Chemistry. She always talks to people with over confidence in subjects she has no background or even understanding in.



     My mother is a chronic denier. You really have nearly pin her to the wall (verbally) before she will even back down, but then she just verbally backs down because she doesn't want you to "convince" her anymore she is wrong. A day or two later, she will continue to believe her wrong statements.



      I realize people have their right to their opinions, but this is a bit too much.



      I too have a lot of hatered towards my mother and I feel awful about it. I'm suppose to love my mother. She was like the typical 50's mom, made sure I had a good meal, made sure things were done for me, even though she was very availble for all these things, it was like she was never emotionally there. I unfortunately was born visually impaired and hearing impaired. It is hard having your depth of the world small, and having a mother who appears to have a manic description to guide you. When you have such disabilities, you depend on your mother a little more for guidence, but to have her....it wasn't easy. I feel that I was so misguided.



       I wish I didn't have hatered for my mother, but it has been so hard. Unfortunately because I'm presently unemployed and returned to school to get more training, I'm back home with my parents. It hasn't been easy. In some ways it is great to get through some of this psychological stuff, but also breaking me down, living with someone who is obviously mentally ill. I wish I knew where to turn for help and I haven't liked the psychiatric department of my health provider. Since I am going back to school (grad school), I might try the University. But, in the mean time, I would like to try and find more resources for Children of a manic parent. What are our tendencies? What do we have to work through? How does it really affect our development? What do we need to watch out for so we can progress in a positive way (or mend ourselves)? Is there like an Al-anon type group? Just like children of alcoholics support group, is there one for children of parents with mental disorders? (yes, I know this is a patient to patient discussion in the comment section and no professional will respond).

[Mickiee]

Learn how "not" to be a reactor. How in the world do you do that?

I've tried to ignore my mother's little remarks, and it just festers inside of me. The remarks start building up and then I blow up.

Example: I'm talking on the phone with her and my sister-in-law's name comes up and I hear my mother saying in a soft voice, "Yea, I respect HER". Emphasis on the her. This comes out of the blue from this woman. Sometimes I wonder if she has two personalities or something.

When we are in public, I will say something and she will look disgusted, roll her eyes and look at everyone else like they are supposed to agree with her.

I wonder how you figure out whether a person is truly mentally ill, conscienceless or just plain mean?

How do you progress in life when you own mother is your worst enemy?

I've let go a bit since I told her off a week ago. I am finally coming to the realization that she is never going to change. It only took 53 years. I give up. I actually feel better than I've felt in a long time. I have just given up $150,000 in stocks, $50,000 life insurance and family airlooms, and I feel better. Go figure. I always said that it was never about money, it was about that unconditional love that you are supposed to get from your parents that I never got. I think I thought that some day, she would feel really bad and treat me like her beautiful daughter that she loved so much. Fat chance.

I will be so glad when she finally just dies. She has always been a source of pain and rage for me and nothing good.

Actually, I have been thinking about hypnosis. I have a feeling that there are things in my childhood that I don't remember that could be the original source for my rage against her.

I'll try anything to break this shadow that she has over me.

[Try_to_be_social]

Here are some tips on how to handle a difficult mother http://www.seniorparents.net/main/messages/862.html.

[sue1961]

I grew up wih a mother who had Bipolar disorder also. She died very young at age 55. That was 18 yrs ago. I have bipolar disorder. I never truly understood what wood cause her so much pain and anger.I became a mother 4 days before she died,with the chemical imbalancment of pregnancy i started behaving like her. I thought to myself no i would not be like her, but no matter how hard i tried all her behavior was in me like a demon.And then and only then did i start on the road to forgiving her. You see my daughter was 9 and had suffered the same effects of this hellish illness.from the bipolars eyes they are aware but are powerless to control the monster (mania)or the sadness and dispair (depression).I could see in my daughter spirit what was happining but couldnt stop.Then i got help i knew there was something wrong i wasnt born to be ugly and hateful,I so desperetley wanted to feel.All i could feel was detachment form my soul. I a very loving giving person. I tell myself when my inner child that didnt have my mothers consitant love is.It is natural for a mother to love her child no matter what, and if it was in her power she would have loved me wholely.SHE DID NOT ABUSE ME THIS NASTY ILLNESS DID (BIPOLAR) God bless her and keep her safe in heven. I only hope my daughter can for give me to, she turns 18 today.I love her more than life its self

[Mickiee]

I understand what you are saying about bi-polar disease. I think my mother suffers from that and borderline personality disorder. But I'll tell you I saw all of my life. I saw my mother, who was Maureen O'Hara beautiful, laugh, smile and charm everyone around her and the minute that door closed, the face changed into this ugly mask and she took out every problem she ever had on two innocent children. If she was so helpless to control her behavior, why didn't it come out all over the place? Why didn't she act like that in front of her friends and neighbors? Because she knew better that's why. She knew it would'nt be accepted and she would be asked to leave. She knew better. She was a horrible bully who hurt children on purpose. I have alot of the same problems that my mother has, but I never directed it towards my children. I'm sure they saw me raging at people, and I regret that and have told them that until they don't want to hear my apoligies anymore. But never,ever did I hurt or scare little children. My mother could have made the same decision. She didn't care. I could see it in her eyes, hatred of two innocent little kids. She was so sweet to us when people were around. The memory of it makes me sick. She is still at it to this day. She is alot quieter about it, but it is still the same of ****.

People who have mental problems need to be held accontable up to a point. If a mentally ill person cannot control their behavior, then why arne't they out there in the middle of grocery store raging and hurting children? Most of them aren't because they know it's wrong and they will be kicked out or arrested. They won't get what they want being that way, so most of them don't. They are making a concious decision about their behavior and if they are capable of that, they are capable of making a conscious decision to be decent to children behind closed doors. I have a very valid point here and I hope that someone out there sees the logic of this. I feel that it is so important to look at things as they really are. I've seen my mother be so nice to her friends and then turn around and look at me with hatred in her eyes. Boy, have I had it with that woman. No more.

[nikir]

I understand how you feel about your mother and I think that you have that right.  I have seen it many times and wondered how people can write each other off.  I never understood till it was me and in order for me to continue being a good person I had to write off a relative.  So go for it and I think it is okay that you feel this way.  Remember it is her missing out not you!

[deb723]

I am currently doing research for an upcoming book which deals with the side effects and withdrawals people have experienced from Effexor XR and other (like) anti-depressants. I am interested in receiving any information current or former users would like to share concerning their experiences with these drugs. Please email me @:

beach-***@****

and thanks!

deb