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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
Husband has no desire for any intimacy
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
Husband has no desire for any intimacy
by navydt, May 03, 2004 12:00AM
Hello, To start it off Let me give you some history. My husband and I were married just over a year ago, and be fore we got married he was so very attentive physically and emoitionally. Our sex life was awesome, and he "wanted " to get me pregnant, and I was wanting the same. After becoming pregnant the sex started to dwindle, his excuses were because we were not yet married, his work stressed him out, than it was we just moved to a different state. By this time I was 5 month's and so the excuse was I was pregnant. I understood every excuse than after the baby, he said he couldn't wait until the 6 weeks were up . Well that came and went and the excuse than was becasue he wasn't working any longer. Than it was because he stayed home with the baby all day. All of these were very believable and I was understanding and being patient. Although inside I was dying. Now he says it is a mental block and I asked him if he felt upset or bad that he couldn't help me out here,( he won't even touch me let alone kiss me other than a peck here and there. ) His said why should he feel bad when he can't control it. I am mentally lossing it now, I am so depressed it is unbelievable. I can hardly function at work any longer. This past January we did have sex but no emotion what so ever and see when we had a great sex life he hardly talked to his family then, He talks to them 2 and 3 times a day , in January when we had sex we had no phone because it was stolen, that was the best week of our relationship, flowers flirting you name and the emotionless sex. I am so confused I Love him so much that I want to use every part of me to show my love to him, I told him that I needed something, when I try flirting with him sexually it is like it makes him uncomfortable. Please help. What could be wrong with my husband????????He is only 25 I thougt men at that age their hormones are raging. Or am I just an unlucky girl, his mom told me to suck it up but I can't any longer.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., May 03, 2004 12:00AM
, May 03, 2004 12:00AM
I don't know what is wrong with your husband, but I do know that some men become inhibited and shut down sexually like this when pregancy and marriage and a baby come into the picture. It is an important transition in life, and if there was unfinished family mental business under the surface( sounds that way because of what you described here), it bubbles up and becomes a psychological block. Your husband could benefit from counseling right now. If he won't go, or you can't afford it, go to www.masteringstress.com where he can get inexpensive, good ,help online. You have to talk to him straight about this to help him get help. You also can get some help there in how to talk to him about this in the best way.
It could also be that seeing you over the nine month period of pregnancy sabotoged his previous sexual attraction for you and he can't seem to see you as you were prior to pregnancy.
Or, it could also be that all the stressors in his life, combined with the new child, are reducing his desire for sex.
Could be a few things actually, or a combination of a few things
There is certainly some kind of an emotional block that you husband has and you definitely should talk to him face to face about this and ask him what is going on.
If you don't feel comfortable talking to him directly, I strongly recommend finding a good couple's counselor. My husband and I have been very lucky to have found a good one and the counselling has helped us so much to face the hidden issues we both have been avoiding and brought us closer together.
My situation is similar: I don't have any sexual desire towards my husband and feel no passion with him, while he still desires me. So we've been discussing this in couple's counselling and I feel that Ive been feeling closer to him, feeling more intimate.
Good luck to you!
I've been with my husband since February of 2000 at that time I noticed that alot of women would call his home. We had a great sex life...we had sex about 4 times a week.
As we moved in together I noticed that he liked to party, hang out and sleep out and would blame it on his drinking.
One time I called an old boyfriend just to talk about the situation but my husband found out and said to me if I tried to cheat on him he would teach me a lesson but I did not try to "cheat on him"
That was in the year 2000. We ended having a baby whose about 2 years and 5 months now. Our sex life has gone from 4 times a week to NONE at all for the last 2 years. I found out about so many OTHER women since we did got married and some baby moma drama also.
The more my husband goes outside of our marriage the more that I turn to GOD.
The couple of times in the last 2 years that my husband did try to touch me he couldn't have an erection. Yet still he's 30 years old and I've found Viagra, All night long pills and other things to be used for sexual energy in his possession.
By this time I've learned to live without it but it hurts so much; it's affected my self esteem (from a woman that was admired by other men) to a woman that is scorned by the one that she loves.
I don't know how to talk to my husband about my sexual needs because when I do he gets offensive; at times when we argue he says that I'm out of shape and not sexy anymore (which is not true) even if it is, isn't your mate supposed to love you unconditionally. The OTHER women that I found out that's he's had affairs with said that they had NO problem with them sexually either.
I don't know how to approach my husband about this anymore.
Thank you.
I've been with my husband since February of 2000 at that time I noticed that alot of women would call his home. We had a great sex life...we had sex about 4 times a week.
As we moved in together I noticed that he liked to party, hang out and sleep out and would blame it on his drinking.
One time I called an old boyfriend just to talk about the situation but my husband found out and said to me if I tried to cheat on him he would teach me a lesson but I did not try to "cheat on him"
That was in the year 2000. We ended having a baby whose about 2 years and 5 months now. Our sex life has gone from 4 times a week to NONE at all for the last 2 years. I found out about so many OTHER women since we did got married and some baby moma drama also.
The more my husband goes outside of our marriage the more that I turn to GOD.
The couple of times in the last 2 years that my husband did try to touch me he couldn't have an erection. Yet still he's 30 years old and I've found Viagra, All night long pills and other things to be used for sexual energy in his possession.
By this time I've learned to live without it but it hurts so much; it's affected my self esteem (from a woman that was admired by other men) to a woman that is scorned by the one that she loves.
I don't know how to talk to my husband about my sexual needs because when I do he gets offensive; at times when we argue he says that I'm out of shape and not sexy anymore (which is not true) even if it is, isn't your mate supposed to love you unconditionally. The OTHER women that I found out that's he's had affairs with said that they had NO problem with them sexually either.
I don't know how to approach my husband about this anymore.
Thank you.