I think my mom has borderline personality disorder, how can i help?

[Sweet_k916]

Hello, I am a 22 yr old questioning why my mother is acting the way she has and if it is going to reflect on me later on in my life.  My parents divorced when i was 6 and i have been living off and on between my mother and father everyother year.  Living with my mother was very difficult. I cooked and cleaned at a very young age to please her so she wouldnt get upset at both me and my brother.  If we make her upset with something so little like spilling water or losing a clothing item she would physically abuse us, really bad. She never got over her past. It has been 15 yrs since the divorce and she still talks about how she hates my dad and we are just like him.  My dad has never abused her or hurt her. It was the other way around. I remember her stabbing my dad in the back when i was young. She would curse, shout, and strike at us for the things she says my father put her through.  One time she kicked me out of the bed and apartment in the middle of the night becuase she said i looked like my dad. So I slept in the stairwell in the apartments and i was only 12. I could never tell what her moods were becuase they would change every minute.  It was like dealing with 2 very different people. After every abusive situation she would love us and be "normal" and cry and apologize saying she only does these things becuase she loves us.  Then i would feel sorry for her and it would become our routine.  I caught her a few times cutting her self with a knife or a razor and a few times she has put one one me and my brother. She would ALWAYS get into fights with both men and women and come home bloody or with skin under her nails.  My mom wouldn't come home for days and i would have to take the "mother" role.  Finally my 10th grade yr when i permanantly moved in with my dad. I am currently dealing with my mother's unstable relationships with ours and hers. She is 45 and her past 10 boyfriends were from 21-25 yrs of age. She always ends up physically fighting her boyfriends and it gets so bad she's always in and out of the hospital. Its always about her and how bad her life is. She doesnt know anything about my life. I feel so bad for her at times. To her boyfriends growing up we were her siblings, and if we accidently called her mom we would get it at the end of the day. She spends money she cant afford, cant pay her bills, asks me and her boyfriends for $$ help constantly and if I dont help her or give her enough she would say mean things and curse at me.  She would scream to the top of her lungs and yell out curse words and  things like i'm not her daughter, im cold blooded and she wishes i was dead. I am now 22 and i thought these things would stop. I finally yelled back and we are no longer speaking. I refuse to answer her calls. I feel so bad for her because she is from Korea so she has no family here except me and my brother.  I want to help her but our communication level is terrible. What can i do?  Is this going to affect me in my future?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

From your description it is clear that your mother is a very disturbed woman and should be in treatment. That is the best thing you can do for her, but it may be impossible. Talk to your dad, sibling, and some counselor to see if this can be done.



You have to live your life now.  This will affect you as a bitter memory, but it doesn't mean that you will turn out like your mother. This behavior is not coded in the genes. You can't change your mother, and you must not accept any abusive behavior from her in any form...including verbal.

[keangrl]

Hello Sweet_k,

I'm very sorry you're going through such terrible experience. When I read your post, I was stunned how similar your situation is to mine. The only difference is it's my husband who acts this way. We've been together for almost 4 years, and all these years I was, like you said, doing everything to "please" him, walking on the edge, so scared I was of his rages. I'm new to this country, and he's American, so I think he took advantage of my naivitee. He'd come next day appologizing, and acted the same way over and over again. His behavior was getting gradually worse and became highly dangerous to me, himself and people around. Last incident drove me to the point that I myself had to go to a psychiatrist. When I asked her to help my husband with his "panic attacks", and to me get rid of my zombie-like condition he put me in, she said these were not panic attacks, but rather very seroius psycosis that I can not help him with, and better get an order of protection. It was a shock, because despite all my suffering, all the time I had hope and loved him. However, I had to leave. That's only when he agreed to get help. We are not seeing each other now. I don't know how this will end, but away from him I realized how abbused, manipulated and intimidated I was. No human should live and be treated like this. The best you can do to help your mother is to get her professional help. And please, don't blame yourself for anything -nothing is your fault, you've been a very caring and loving daughter to your mother. I know this experience will leave bitter feelings, but we have so much better life ahead to look forward to. God bless you and give you strength to go through all of this, and I hope everything will work out well for you. Good luck! :o)

[Sweet_k916]

Thank you for the words of encouragement Keangrl.  I am also sorry to see that you have went through the same situation. I am happy to see that you found a solution.  You won, you are a very strong woman and to leave and realize that it isnt you takes alot.  You did so much for this man and they dont realize what they had until it's gone. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get what you deserve.  I really hope your husband (ex) gets the help he needs. You know whats funny?? I currently live with my boyfriend and i find myself acting the same way i do with my mother towards him.  I try to do everything to please him....you know, give give give, and get nothing in return. There is no physical abuse or anything but sometimes mental..i find myself crying alot at night and reading your story makes me think that i just need to be by myself and work on me, and do me for once.  He has 2 kids and has been putting off his divorce (he keeps lying, it's been a year) and i help him out with money i dont have everytime.  How foolish of me!! hehe...  I tend to think about others before myself. Its seems like we were in the same situation.  Was it hard to leave????

[keangrl]

Thank you, too, for encouraging words. I try to stay strong, but it's hard. I have to constantly force myself to pull together and not to sink down. Because despite the hellish situation I'm in now (no more home, no money, all my stuff is in my old appartment with him) I know my life will be better than it was or is now. All I remember when I was leaving is fear bigger than my life, and incredible guilt that I'm leaving a sick person, even though knowing it was nothing I could do to help him. I guess you can call it hard to leave. I know I've exhausted all possibilities to help him when I was there, and you're right, they only realize what they've lost when it's gone.  Only now, away from him, I realized how horrible my life was, that I was doubly abused letting myself live like this. My feelings are still confused and torn about everything. I'm reading a lot, trying to understand how I got myself in this situation. I guess I have a misconcept of love. Caring, forgiving and patience are universal virtues, and I still believe the world needs them, but in my case it was just like getting blood from a stone. Real love is not self-abnegation, humiliation, or fear. It starts from love and respect to yourself (which I never had), only then you can have an equal and fulfilling relationship. Like you said about yourself, interests of others were my priorities; it's hard for me to say "no", etc. Anyway, i'm a typical co-dependent case, who has to start learning how to live on my own, respect my own interests and stand for myself. It's pretty embarrasing in my 28 with 2 graduate degrees to feel like a baby learning walking. But if I don't start working on myself, there's a big chance this situation may happen to me again. There are a lot of users out there watching for people like us to take advantage. I don't mean to hurt your feelings towards your mother, afterall she's your mother, but you have your own life to live. Live it for yourself, or together with somebody, but not for somebody. Our blind charity is not appreciated or awarded, it's taken for granted, and you'll never change this. You'll only spare yourself, burn out and become disappointed. On the other hand, ina way we do this "good" to raise our own low self-esteem, only this is the wrong way. Please, don't think that you owe anything to anybody. If your feelings are too hard on you and you can't handle the pressure, or you feel you don't know where to start to revise your life, ask a professional therapist that you feel comfortable with to help you, or there's also www.CoDa.org-check if this is helpful. We are too young to give up and submiss. Let's be strong together ;o)

P.S. Have you seen a movie "Pollock" about an American artist Jackson Pollock?