Is this a particular syndrome?

[melancholybaby]

I have been married to "Kevin" for 21 years.  We have 3 teenaged sons.  I have not been in love with Kevin for a long time.  Meaning:  I took the vows before God, therefore I planned to stay in the marriage and do my best to be a "good" wife, but I had no romantic feelings, or any feeling of love any more for Kevin.  Kevin had been a good dad, and a good provider all these years.  However, Kevin had a very low self-esteem and didn't like himself much, even though he was a successful professional.  Any feelings of attraction I had ever had for Kevin were long gone, as he had gained almost 100 pounds since our marriage and basically repulsed me.  And yet I knew that a "good wife" should be available sexually for her husband whenever he had the need, and so I was.  And did Kevin have needs!  The more overweight he became, the more insecure he became, and the more affirmation he needed...thus, the more sexual gratification he needed.  With Kevin's dislike for himself, I too found it easy to dislike him, although I played the role and continued to do the things that made me feel like a "good wife".  Kevin's unwarranted jealousy down through the years, sometimes quite extreme and volatile, added to my dislike for him.  I was stuck in a marriage, due to my religious convictions, and I was ready to die...my children would be soon leaving the nest, and I began praying that God would allow me to have cancer.  Now, I don't want to imply that Kevin was a horrible guy.  Quite the contrary, he was doting and loving, but in a suffocating way.  It's like there would be peace in our relationship as long as I stayed at home, dressed in a frumpy manner, and didn't think too much of myself or exert any independence.  As you can imagine, there came a breaking point, and that was when my former fiance entered the picture after 20 years apart.  Although I knew it was wrong and I fought it, I fell in love with this man all over again and soon knew that my heart, which had been basically "up for grabs" at this point, had been won---by him.  Kevin had never truly won my heart.  I had raised 3 children with him and loved that part of life, but my marriage was out of duty at that time, not because of enduring love.  So to make a long story short, my former fiance and I had a love affair, mostly from a distance, as he lives with his family many miles away from me.  It is now over, as he has made the decision to stay with his family, although he has made it clear that he will always be in love me.  So I have closed that chapter on my life.  The problem now is that Kevin is pressing me to either put 100% into our relationship or end it (making sure I know that I would be ruining our children's lives if I did end it).  Whenever I try to imagine "making it work", I can't bring myself to imagine making love to him, let alone all of the other ways I would be expected to love him.  Is there a certain syndrome where women who are suffocated by a jealous husband can't regain "it"?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You have certainly described all of the ingredients that make passion go away.  You have a big decision to make so I suggest you spend some time talking this over with a qualified therapist. It is unlikely you could make anything work unless Kevein made some very significant changes, which sometimes happens when a man is threatened with the loss of his marriage.

[horse1]

geez i hate to be harsh but you are bordering on martyrdom...pls, get out of the relationship you are in now while you still have some time to live a happy life on your own.



what in the world makes you think you will be ruining your children's lives?? they would be elated to see you happy.



i was in an unhappy marriage for 13 yrs, discovered my husband had a child while married to me and tried to make it work again for 3 more years..the resentment i felt and his lack of willingness to discuss issues made it impossible to continue. we are now good friends and my son is happy to see me a secure, well-adjusted person.



it is difficult to "go back" especially when you have changed and your husband has not. you will be plagued by the same probs.



good luck...

[sunfëll]

Delilah Syndrome.



Just kidding.



The more you try to just serve him the more you are going to resent him and think less of him. Aren't marriages supposed to be about helping eachother? I don't think you help build or repair his self esteem by "doing your wively duties" or basically being a masterbation tool and a doormat. It's obvious you want, and have wanted out of the marriage but you want a guiltless way to do it. All this "woe is me." stuff is one way to relinquish guilt. Everyone falls out of love in a marriage eventually. A long time ago no one married out of romance but grew to "love" (less passionate than our notions of love today) eachother. We can learn to love anyone, I think.



You have taken vows before God. If you are a religious person that is very serious...but if I'm not mistaken, you vowed to love, cherish, AND serve..not just serve. If he got some help for his self esteem would your marriage be workable or do you think you could never love him?

[Baby123]

I agree with sunfell, the Bible teaches us that divorce is wrong except for adultry.  I would try to get into some kind of marital counseling and try to work on the problems you two have.  Maybe he would be willing to lose weight and change if you are willing work work on some of your issues.  You never know until you try it.  And remember, the grass is not always greener on the other side.  You may get into a worse situation if you divorced and found someone else.  Everyone has their own faults.  I have been married 20 years and I would be kidding myself if I said I didn't see things in my husband I would like to change but I'm sure he feels the same way but I love him anyway and he is my best friend.  We have to work issues out together.  And just because your kids are older doesn't mean it will not have an effect on their lives.  It will hurt them also.