Help, partner with anger problems.

[Guide]

My partner has sporadic outbursts of anger. This only happens when he has consumed some alcohol. He has behaved like this since I met him, seven years ago, but his outbursts are now more frequent and more severe. Usually when this happens we are on our way home from being out with friends and have both had a few drinks. He will shout and scream obscenities at me and also walk off leaving me to make my way home alone. The worst incident was over a year ago. I got to our home after he had stormed off on me and was greeted by him hurling a plate across the room at me. When I challenge him while he is angry, as I often do, he twists every word I say so that me reacting at all becomes futile. When he would get angry early in our relationship I would get forceful back, saying very directly that he has to stop. This used to work. Now if I do that he just gets more and more angry and abusive. I have also, out of my own alcohol fuelled anger and frustration, threatened him, saying I'll leave him, lock him out of the house etc. This makes things worse. Over the past 5 weeks he has had 3 outbursts, two not so severe and one were he was extremely verbally abusive. The next day he is apologetic and often quite needy. I initiate any conversation about what has happened. This can be very frustrating and I do make snide remarks to him. I'll ask him questions and he will shrug and say 'I can't promise anything', 'I'm a ****', 'I'd dump me if I were you'. I have asked him on numerous occasions to get professional help. He won't. He went through some depression about a year ago when he had no work and he did not seek any medical help. He read a self help book that was recommended by an online music forum that he frequents. This did him some good at the time and was the biggest effort he has made so far. I think his outbursts are him trying to assert power as he has low self esteem. He is a passive person, which I'll admit sometimes frustrates me. He works from home and has few friends. He does find it very difficult to cope with stress. In saying all this most of the time he is a very loving and supportive person to me. I have a successful career and am an outgoing person. He has said that what triggers his anger is being embarassed by something and that he then takes it out on me. He also says I should make an assesment of him and our relationship based on his behaviour to me 90% of the time, which is lovely. The problem is that these outbursts despite being short are undermining the rest of our relationship. My self esteem, which I've had to build up slowly over the years gets ground down by it and I do get depressed. Also, I sometimes feel I'm making a big deal out of nothing that I should be realistic, treat it as meaningless and just live with it, as it seems like such an unreal experience in the context of the rest of our lives togther. His anger was a contributing factor to the break up of his previous relationship.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You have two options...one is for you to go to a therapist and talk over your decision to stay or leave. Its certainly a legitimate question for you, and I recommend you do that if you can.  The other option is to convince him to go to couples therapy with you re his anger.  Its also a good option to pursue.  NOthing short of either of these options will change the pattern, so your default is to just endure, which may work, or may be a bad choice, especially if it gets worse.

[SmallVoice]

"This only happens when he has consumed some alcohol."





I think you have the answer there, right in front of you?

[SmallVoice]

Options to drinking:



A meal out (without alcohol)

A movie

A walk somewhere interesting.

A sports centre.

Cycling.

Taking a trip somewhere different.

Etc.





YOU can make a difference to him and to your relationship by suggesting other form of entertainment than drinking.  Friends that normally drink could be invited to share any of the above experiences.



:-)

[Guide]

Thanks for that. You are probably right, that the main problem is alcohol. I have asked him on numerous occasions to stop drinking and have told him that I would give up drinking alcohol too in support. He won't do this and says that he will not be able to cope with social situations unless he can drink. Maybe he would do it if someone else other than me advised him to stop drinking. What shall I do if I can't get him to stop?

[fearfactor]

Hi, my husband is a recovering alcoholic - he has been sober since 2001.  Since meeting him, I've stopped drinking (I used to drink socially and occasionally binge drink when I was in college) because I know how hard it is for him.  He is extremely violent when he's drunk and has been in trouble with the law a number of times before I met him - he just CANNOT touch the stuff.  We have a family now and he knows he just can't ever even "play" with drinking because it's not worth losing your family over.  I really hope your partner can stop drinking - it is one of the most destructive drugs there is.  Good luck to you both.

[Aruba417]

Maybe you need to make him an ultimatum (sp?)...that's what my mom finally had to do with my dad. It was getting out of hand in my family as well, only I was the daughter, not the partner in this particular situation. My dad was the greatest dad 99% of the time, but whenever he gets drunk, it's like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde! He was horrible! It took calling the cops, calling HIS parents to come pick him up, and kicking him out of the house to FINALLY get it through his thick head that HE was the one that was wrong. Now, my parents relationship is stronger than ever. But I have to tell you, now every time I see him drinking even ONE glass of wine, it really makes me uneasy. I hate it. I really hope every thing works out for you. On the other hand, if he's to the point where you feel he would do something to harm you, you shouldn't put up with it. Just leave. I know it's hard, but if he truly cares about you, he'll realize what this is doing to your relationship. Good luck and God Bless!

[adelaide]

You are not making a big deal out of nothing.  This is not "meaningless."  Your husband is self-medicating; he becomes aggressive when he drinks because he loses his inhibitions.   Alcohol doesn't cause his anger; he's angry, stifling his anger, and he feels free to express it when he drinks.  It's a horrible feeling for anyone (especially men) to feel passive and unable to express themselves assertively.  His behavior is not "meaningless," and any form of mistreatment toward you is "a big deal."  He won't change until his drinking until his anger causes him to lose something he desperately needs.  When he can safely say that he feels enraged and is damned tired of feeling ashamed, he will no longer need to drink or behave aggressively.  He feels safe dumping his anger onto you; however, it is unsafe for you to be dumped on.  To tell him to stop drinking would probably be futile; at this time, alcohol is all he has to "medicate" painful emotions. He has to discover other ways of feeling empowered. Would he be willing to enter therapy?  He needs a place he can "dump" his anger without a fear of hurting or offending another person.  And, the therapist should be aware of the fact that passivity, shyness, and anxiety are all "red flags" for repressed anger.  A substance abuse counselor might be important in the future, but right now, he needs a therapist who can help him learn to appreciate and express his anger, which terrifies him.  Good luck and take care of yourself!

[twisty]

Have you ever looked into Behavorial Personality Disorder? Check out a book called "Walking on Eggshells"



Check out the parenting background, did they feel abandoned as children, feel shame?



Also check out the book , "Healing the Shame that binds you"



I've been through hell , but there is recovery if you both want to make it work.



It took the neighbors calling the police and my husband getting thrown in jail for him to wake up, plus his first baby was on the way. I've never been so scared in my life.



He now has a record for Domestic Violence. This is a man with a college degree and then some, and extremely bright.



Look up BPD on the web, there's a support group you can sign up with also



There's help no matter how helpless you feel, feel the fear and do it anyway.



Life's too short to live with abuse, and if they're not going to get help,  don't be a victim. It took my husband 2 and one half years to finally come to grips, alot of counseling and alot of stress for us both, but it has been worth the ride, you have to feel in your gut that this person can be helped. I knew it in my heart, everyone else thought I was crazy, but grew up with a Mother with a temper, so I knew what I was dealing with. This man is my soulmate.



The recovery is only about 3% according to the bpd statistics. Do your homework, there's a world of knowledge out there, don't back down!!! Keep a bag packed at all times for when you need to leave.

[mhowell]

I read the above letter and feel like I am writing it myself.  I am from a very fundementalist religous upbringing and have had very little contact with alcoholics until I met my husband.  He would have occasional outbursts but then I would always just try to pretend it never happened, blaming the drinking.  I forgive him and most of the time he says the same things like I am just such a f&*% up I don't know why you want me.  He has had some very major medical problems and had 3 surgeries on a six month period 2 years ago and been in constant pain since then. His latest outburst happened while drinking and while I was at work.  He and my son got into a shouting match and he repeatedly said very abusive things to my son.  Never touching him just using words to hurt.  He then slammed his hand up against the wall and put a hole in it at which point my children became scard and called the police.  He is upset with my children for calling the police and I am thinking I would have done the same thing had I been home.  My children have gone to their Father's house temporarily but want me to ask him to leave because they want to come home.  I don't want to have to choose but it seems I am not going to have a choice.