help me understand my husbands anger, and a diagnosis for him

[ratsum]

I met and married the man of my dreams two years ago, attentive,kind, and loving.  Now he gets angry with out warning, he does not drink alcohol, no drugs, the only medication he takes is for diabetes, he makes a six figure income, and I am a professional person, so money is not the issue.  We are rehabbing a house, and he wants to put in new windows, now understand that this house does not have floors, no bathroom fixtures, no kitchen, so I said, "honey, how about we put in the floors first or something that the house does not have, since we have windows we can change them later",  my husband starting yelling, cursing, jumping up and down across the room, his arms were flying all over the place,he does not hit me, his voice is  loud he can be heard two blocks away, no matter how nice I ask "honey, please dont do this, the neighbors can here you" he continues for about an hour, then he walks away and about three days later, he is back to saying "darling, I love you, I want our marriage to work", but he never says Im sorry, 2 other episodes: he is 2 hours late, no problem, I am 15 min. he is yelling, and I forgot to put his shirt in the cleaners with his other 40 items, and this sets him off on his rampage, I say that I am sorry, it does not stop him,I have tried to discuss these episodes with him in the past, but all that does is make him angry and he starts all over again with the yelling and so forth. When things are good, he cooks dinner, brings the plate to me, he washes dishes,he does the laundry, he goes grocery shopping, he repairs any thing that breaks, he reads to me, he pays most of the bills, never asking me for anything, he makes love to me like I am the only woman on the earth every time we make love, this happens several times a week, he calls me terms of endearment all of the time without being asked, I have tried assisting him in every way, I give him money to help with bills and before the day ends he gives it back to me ,he says " a man should take care of his wife", I cook, and he says " I can make that better", I have tried yelling back at him, but he just gets louder, I tried being quiet and that does not stop him ,I have asked him to please go to counseling with me, he says " there is nonthing wrong with us, You dont have a care in the world, other women would love to have a husband like you", please understand, I am grateful to have him, and I know that every body have problems, and nobody is perfect, but his yelling is scary, these episodes happen at least once every two weeks, and they tear down my self esteem, they make me cry for days, they make me question my sanity,I get so nervous that I eat every thing in sight, I have gained 80 pounds, this man is my soul mate and I want this to work for us, I want us both to be happy, I am willing to do any thing, I am working on not being so sensitive, I pray to GOD every day about our situation, the abuse I suffer is mental,please give me some advice, I Love him very much.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You should make him go for counseling with you by telling him what you told me...that is, what this is doing to your mentally and physically.  That makes it an emergency problem that must be faced, and only seeing a therapist together is going to do it.



Secondly, you are a stress eater and 80lbs is a huge gain, so go to www. masteringfood.com and take a free session to start getting a hold on that.

[enaj]

Read "Getting Free" by Ginny Nicarty(?) and anything else you can get your hands on about domestic violence. You might also call the local DV shelter and ask to talk with someone there. He sounds like a fairly typical case except that he hasn't hit you (yet). The usual build-up (with you walking on egg shells), then the "episode", then the flowers and the "oh, darling, I'm so sorry." And then the cycle begins again. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I worked in a domestic violence shelter, and your story is very familiar.

[ratsum]

Thank you, I will buy the book "getting free", and I will speak to someone at a DV shelter, I am willing to get any help and information that I can.  I think a lot of my husbands problem has to do with control, and being the boss, I would welcome any information on those subjects.  Again Thanks

[kmahoney275]

I agree that you need to urge him to go to counseling.  Counseling could set him off, so please have a safe place to go if that happens.  As the other poster said, he hasn't hit you "yet".



If he won't agree to counseling then I don't see this situation getting better, only worse until he forces you to leave.  Take control now before he takes all your incentive to leave away.



Do you have children?

[nada76]

Someone with anger issues is not necessarily a bad person and CAN change but the key to this is that he recognizes he has a problem and is willing to seek help. The bad news is that some people will never recognize their problem.



I have been in your husband's shoes and know from my own experience with anger that when you are angry you see your anger as justified and perceive whoever causes you to be angry as the problem, rather than yourself.



It may be very difficult for you to make him see that he has a problem and you may have to take drastic meassures if he blows up every time you bring up the subject and refuses to seek help for his problems. If you have somewhere to go and he refuses to seek help then perhaps you may consider leaving him temporarily and tell him you can't continue living with him if he does not deal with his anger issues and you are not coming back unless he seeks counseling.

[ratsum]

HI, thanks for taking the time to write to me.  We do not have any children together, my kids are grown, he has twin 17 year old boys at home, they are still in high school.  I have moved out of the house, and I am staying in an apartment, he had one of his blow outs in front of the kids, I felt very ashamed so I left. I understand that his anger does not make him a bad person, I just cant understand the rational for it, the strangest thing is that he never lashes out at the kids, he treats them as if they are precious stones, there have been many instances where they need  some yelling, but he will not do it, not to them.  He comes over to the apartment every day, I want so bad to tell him not to, but I still love him and I want to work things out with him, I will not move back in with him until the kids go away to college, and we got to counseling, he has found a counselor for us, and is going to make an appointment for us.  Please keep in touch

[silver024]

I randomly came across your post...and noticed that no one has mentioned depression at all. Let me fill you in on my experience...i was in denial for i dont know how long about having depression...i was always a very happy person, never cared what people thought and was always having fun. then all of a sudden things changed..i didnt want to go out, i didnt want to see anyone. i would always put it off and blame it on something else ..period, stress, work. After having a huge fight with my boyfriend (over where to get dinner)i knew something was wrong. We never fight, ever...if we do its about something stupid and were both back to laughing and goofing around in 10 minutes. I dont know how long this all went on...little random things that would really get to me..small things, that normally wouldnt have bothered me. I started analyzing everything..and that stressed me even more. Finally after a panic attack, enough was enough...i went to the drs and she put me on wellbutrin xl. I cant even begin to tell you how its helped me. Just an idea, but maybe he has some depression going on..and like me doesnt want to admit it...i never went for counseling and have been back to my normal self ever since. I agree with everyone else...suggest counseling, but maybe he should also see a dr



good luck

[ratsum]

Thank you for your advice, I will try to encourage him to see a doctor, because he did mention a couple things that happened in his childhood, he thought he was handling and had worked his way through, but he has not, because this is exactly what is coming through in his anger, I think you have hit the nail on the head, as human beings we are able to help each other.Thank  YOU.

[Scared_in_Georgia]

I recently found this site and thought I would read what other people had going on (it really helps when you see that you are not alone).  I have been in a relationship for almost 1 year, much like you, I have (thought I had) the perfect man.  In the begining things were wonderful!!!  After about 8 months I noticed a change, his anger was getting out of control.  Like you, I tried to fix this on my own.  Your story is so close to mine because I can remember SO many times I would say "please don't yell, the people next door can hear you" - that would really set him off.  I had the hardest time because he treats he son so great, NEVER, EVER yelling at him.  It is not that I wanted him to yell at this child (he's only 8) but I could not understand what I did to make him this way ONLY with me.  FINALLY I had enough, I sat him down and told him that I couldn't take it another day, I was going crazy.  He agreed to get help.  Yesterday was our first day of counseling and it was WONDERFUL!!!!!  I did learn that people (usually men) tend to lash out at the very ones they love the most.  They do this because they know we are not going anywhere. If they yell at their kids they may say "I'm not going to come back, I will just stay with my mom" or If the did it to a co-worker they would be fired or quit if your husband is like mine and own a business. I am not sure where you live but if you are in the Atlanta area this guy is THE BEST, after only one time we felt SO much better and the both of us had the best nights sleep.  Please feel free to email me (***@****) if you wish to talk or hear more about what I learned in counseling.  



Good luck!!

[kathycatonsville]

Hi Everyone,



I just did a search on the internet to try and help with my problem and found this forum.  I have been married to my husband for 15 years and he has always had an anger problem but I don't think I ever really admitted this even to myself until now.  He is intelligent and a good person and he has never ever hit me nor have I ever been afraid he would.  The problem is that when he does get angry he screams and curses at me and even at our beautiful daughter.  I know he loves her so much but when she sounds sarcastic like most teenagers can, instead of talking rationally to her he screams at the top of his lungs "SHUT UP.  DON'T YOU F!!##ING TALK TO ME THAT WAY"  and if she dares say anything at all the screaming begins again.  She is a really good kid, gifted trustworthy and a great student.  We are both professional people and consider ourselves very cultured, but when he yells like this it feels so incredibly horrible, especially if it is directed at my daughter.  It doesn't happen very often, but the main problem is he will never, ever accept any responsibility for his behaviour.  When I try to defend my daughter by asking him to please stop yelling (she's crying hysterically at this point) he turns on me and screams "STAY OUT OF IT AND SHUT THE F$$K UP.  I HAVE A RIGHT TO DISCIPLINE MY OWN CHILD".  I'm sorry this is so long....also whenever I feel the slightest need or have anything at all to talk about, like if I have been feeling neglected lately or anything, he starts yelling at me saying all I do is complain.  Please understand that I don't complain all the time, I don't think I have even 1/10th the complaints of most women but the point is I am not allowed to even have one.  He takes it as an immediate insult.  I don't think he cares about my needs at all and it is so depressing.  I am going to try to seek counseling but he sees it as totally my problem and won't admit that if his family feels abused and humiliated at all there is a family issue that he needs to deal with.  I don't think I'll ever understand how someone who is supposed to love you can say F$#$ you to you.  And I don't typically ever get an "Im sorry"  All I get is him trying to shame me into apologizing for bringing up a problem and "ruining" his day or his dinner. Is ther anyone out there who has ever been in a similar situation?  Is there any hope or do I have to just live with this for the rest of my life or leave him?  Anything anyone has to say would be incredibly helpful, I feel so alone.

[enaj]

The likelihood of him changing is pretty slim. If I were you, I'd contact the local domestic violence shelter just to talk. ALso read as many books as you can on the subject. Sounds like he is making both your life and your daugther's life miserable. And it sounds like you are both afraid of it. I think that constitutes domestic violence whether he hits you or not.

[kitkat31625]

I would agree with everybody else that this is the typical domestic abuse cycle. I dated my ex-huband for 5 years before I married him. There were things happening even before we married that I didn't recongnize was abuse. I was very much in love with him and it was like he wanted me one minute and ignore me the next.

When I got sick of the back and forth behavior while we dated and broke it off with him. He would follow me around, crying, and begging me to come back like he couldn't live without me.

It was exactly what I wanted to hear and I would take him back.

This behavior continued until I got pregnant. (we weren't married) At the time he worked for a union job and they were on strike. He wanted me to have an abortion. I was always very sensitive about my weight. I had lost the weight I had been trying to lose for so long due to being sick from my pregnancy.

He actually told me that if I had the abortion just think how skinny i would be afterwards but how fat I would get if I kept the baby!! Why I was thinking this way at the time I have no idea. I just thought though  that he was talking out of his butt because he was worried about losing his job. He even told me when I refused to have the abortion that I was ruining his life. I got more and more depressed. I have a novel and could write a book on all the stuff I went through. I have to make this short. We did end up having the baby and getting married after ward.  I was in 7th heaven at the time. He seemed so happy. It turned into a mess after that though. He would put be down, then be the sweetest guy full of compliments. He would tell me I overreacted about everyting and had me questioning myself all the time. I won't forget the time i wanted to take our child to the dr. because she had a high temperature and he wouldn't let me saying I was overreacting. Give her some tylenol. I took her anyway after he had left. She ended up having Bronchitis. It went on like this and I final seeked councelling to try and save our marriage. We were arguing all the time. I thought I was the one with the problem. Basically, the doctor help me to see I didn't and was not overreacting about things ect..  I started to fight back and not let him do me that way.  It escalated and He basically beat me up one day with our child in my arms. I got out after that.  Be careful!! That is all I can say to you!! They can play with your head before you even realize it!! Unfortuately because he is the father of my child, I still have to deal with him!!