My husband has anger outbursts

[Wfe Mother Help]

My husband will "stuff" his anger, because he fears losing control and flying off into a rage. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. He stuffs anger for months, then he finally blows up about something. He feels horrible and then starts stuffing anger again because he doesn't trust himself to become angry....until he flies off into a rage again. This only happens 3 or 4 times a year.



Usually, we have holes in walls or the like. During the past 2 years, he has 3 times become violently angry with one of our daughters. He hasn't officially "struck" her, but he has picked a fight (she's 18 years old), and then when she is doing what she considers to be defending herself, he "restrains" her. He has left bruises on her arms and legs, and he says horrible, angry things to her. She's basically terrified at this point. I am usually the person who steps in, and I send him into a different room. Of course, her memory of what happened and his memory of what happened are VERY different.



My husband has been treated for depression for at least 5 years, but these anger outbursts go back to his childhood.



What should we do? Is this common?  Please help.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

This is all too common, but that doesn't help you.  Anger is an emotion that has a meaning, i.e. angry about something.  Sometimes it is justified, and at othertimes he will be responding to past images and memories that exaggerate his response to current reality.  Medications only blunt the response, they do not stop it.  What your husband needs is some good counseling in understanding his anger so he doesn't have to stuff it. That's the approach I would recommend.

[LynnSB]

Your husband is guilty of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. WAKE UP TO THE FACTS. I hope your 18 year old daughter calls 911 the next time she is physically hurt and terrorize. I'm sorry your husband is mentally ill but BE A MOTHER . PUT YOUR CHILD'S SAFETY FIRST.  



I have had two friends murdered because of husbands with " anger issues". No one ever thought they would be murdered.. one of the murderers was a doctor.



You need help to understand what is going on and that you can not find excuses for this man's behavior.



Lynn

[SNORCHY]

In addition to the great advice the Dr gave you above, it might be beneficial for you and your daughter to seek counseling as well. This sounds like a difficult situation for the both of you to be in, and support might help you to cope more effectively.

[greenchili]

Background:



I am 59 years old and have delt with my anger problems for decades. As a child, I heard my mother screams, groaning, and crying from many beatings from a step-father. The next morning, I would see the damage done to my mother's body. This has caused a great deal of anger/rage within me. There were many other life changing events that I had to go through as a child and teenager that I do not feel that needs to be revealed here. The fact of the manner is I had a very rough childhood and I have anger/rage that would fester for weeks, rather than days. In 2000, a psychologist had to keep me off work for 18 months until I was able to take early retirement as I was very upset for my employer messing with my pension. I was afraid that I would go "postal."



Solution:



In 2002, I started on the road to improving my health by slowly turning to alternative medicine. I have been a subscriber to various monthly newsletters written by medical doctors practicing alternative medicine since then. One of these doctors stated that a person with bi-polar disorder was successfully treated with 3,000 mg of DHA per day. I knew that people with bi-polar disorder had enough rage to destroy everything in a house. So I decided to put myself on 2,000 mg per day of DHA.



Results:



Since I started taking 2,000 mg of DHA per day, my anger/rage has gone away. It no longers festers for weeks a time. Can I get angry? Yes, but the rage is gone and I don't hate the world and the anger is gone in minutes, rather than hours, days, and weeks. Recently, I decided to back off my dosage down to 1,500 mg per day. I had two blow-ups in a span of 10 days. After the second blow-up, I increased my dosage of DHA back up to 2,000 mg per day. It appears that I will be on this dosage for the rest of my life.



Technical description of DHA:



DHA is "Docosahexaenoic Acid." One would look in the fish oils section of your local health/vitamin store. Another option is to google DHA and order on line. The most potent dosage that I've found is 500 mg. This type of fish oil is expensive, but it is a whole lot cheaper than SSRI's and numerous visits to doctors.



Conclusion:



One may wonder why didn't I let my psychologist put me on SSRI? After reviewing SSRIs on the internet, I decided that it would NOT be in the best interest for my family's sake because I am a gun owner. I ended up at this website while doing research on Zoloft and pregancy for my oldest daughter's sake. My daughter tried to get off Zoloft using 1,500 mg of DHA, however, it did not work. I told her she needed to up the dosage of DHA but she didn't listen. Finally, it should be noted that my wife and oldest daughter have noticed the change in my life as I am more mellow now. May all who reads this finds peace like I did.

[caregiver222]

This is inexcuseable abuse, and a call to 911 should be considered if this happens again.

[beardensr]

I agree with the lady taking Zoloft my Ex husband is taking this as well he was very angry and confused most of the time. I had to divorce him for my seven year old son's sake becouse he was abusive. He left large bruises on my little boy that were black and came down from his buttucks all the way down to his lower thigh When I saw this I was infuriated with good reason. But after we were divorced I was informed by my ex brother in law He was abusive becouse he has a desease called Skitsophrinia he also has Alzhiemers  he is now on medication and according to his Physician he is doing better. I still dont allow him visitations with our son unless he is under direct supervision But according to his family members he is much better.

[BPG]

I am a verbally abusive husband.  It is hard to admit that. I need help before I lose the most precious thing in my life, my wife.  I intellectually recognize that I have anger issues, but can't seem to find the time for professional help because I work so many hours.  I don't have any friends with whom I can talk to about this. I am driving my wife away not meaning to.

[clgeknes]

You are brave to admit this, and I hope you get some help.  It will be worth it in the long run, and as they say, knowing the problem is 50% of the problem.  Counseling is good, and can work wonders.  Me on the other hand, my husband thinks he is justified in screaming B**** at me and Fing B at me, and I am not supposed to do anything.  I got in his face, and said go ahead say it again, and he started pushing me, really hard, and then I pushed back, and he grabbed me and held my wrists to the point where they have been sore for two days, and then i got away.  So who is at fault here, and what am I supposed to do when he is talking to me that way?  I have four kids to take care of, and I am trying to do really good things, but to wake up to that.  Yikes.  I feel like telling him to go and get help, and then come back, but I am not totally innocent in this since I got close to him, and didn't walk away when he was screaming at me.  I was trying to get him to stop b/c the kids could totally hear him.  These fights happen once or twice a year, but he has never been physical with me before.  Am I nuts?

[MadDave]

For most of my adult life I suffered *occasional* rage attacks, once every few months.  They would always seem justified at the time, and, while I was never physical, my verbal outlashes were pretty severe.



One day the triggering event was SO trivial, even in the midst of my reaction I had to realize that my reaction was disproportional.  I started to understand when they happened that I was not rational, and was generally able to withdraw from the situation at hand when they occurred.



A few years later, I was put on Paxil to help with concentration and memory problems I was experiencing... about a year after that I realized I hadn't suffered a "rage attack" in all that time.



Paxil and Effexor are the two anti-D's I have the most experience with, and both greatly help to contain these outbursts.  I've only experienced one in the last 12 years, now.



I'd encourage people not to just write off this behavior pattern as the person being bad, abusive, etc... there can be real chemical causes.

[wife_of_angryman]

i can't stand my husband most days. it's all i can do to avoid  him. he blows up at the smallest things. He overreacts and is totally paranoid most of the time -- about getting robbed, getting in a car accident, you name it. he wont get counseling, but i'm going for myself asap. I hope WMH gets out while she can -- living in poverty is better than letting some jerk abuse your kids. If my hubbie ever hits my kids, we're through. We've signed up for anger mgmt but it doesnt start for another month. I hope I can last that long. anger is toxic and it will destroy any love you ever felt for the person.