Sexual Issues lacking desire

[Lacking Intimacy]

My boyfriend and I have been dating now for almost 2 years.  We are very happy with each other and have even talked about marriage and our future life together.  The only problem is I think we both have sexual issues.  For me, I get horney and want to do things, but when it comes to that moment, my head is nonstop talking, the feeling goes away, I dry up, and it doesn’t feel good, and that’s it, I’m done.  No orgasm or anything.  I talked to my mom about this, and apparently, she has pain during sexual activities as well as 2 of my other sisters.  So that makes me think it’s something hereditary.  But then I also had many bad experiences growing up, including abuse in those areas (not bad just over doing the activity after I dried up (I was too scared to say stop).  So I know I have to go see a psychologist and get through my problem, but my boyfriends I’m not sure what he needs.  For some reason, he is not into sexual activities at all; he even doesn’t get enjoyment with kissing.  He tells me that he does get horney sometimes, but its rare, and always bad timing (I’m not there, or he’s doing something else, etc.).  I can usually get him going for his part, but many times he’s ‘not in the mood’ and will just push me away.  When it comes to him pleasing me, he only does it because it ‘makes me happy’.  He never gets excited from pleasing me.  I don’t know if it’s a mental block from his past (he’s witnessed many failed relationships… so maybe he’s subconsciously scared to commit?), or maybe even his testosterone levels are way too low?  Every time I try to get things going with him (and believe me I’ve tried many things, and he just laughs at me cause he thinks it’s funny), he is never in the mood, just lies there, or pushes me away.  I feel very unattractive because of this and want so badly to help fix the problem.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Your dryness problem is probably more easily solved by some lubricant your doctor can prescribe than anything else.  Your boyfriend is a different problem. You have to find out what is bothering him, and perhaps there is a connection with your dryness problem, i.e. he may have felt he hurt you in the past, and if your head stops you after you have been interested, that interruption may have turned him away.  those are things you can talk about, but if that not enough, you might want to see a marital therapist or sex therapist together.

[Babycakes1]

Sometimes as we get older our desires wane.