What should I do?

[eee]

Hi,

I have been married for 5 years I have two young children. When I was pregnant with my second my husband began to call me names loser/leech/***** and I found out he was spending alot of time at least talking to a female co-worker on his project. He has traveled as a consultant 4-5 days a week for the entire marriage. I see him Fri-Sun. Immediately I found a marriage counselor. We preceeded for the next 24 months to go back and forth with me finding out information proving they were still talking after both left the company, and him lying to the counselor about it. Recently May 2006 I found several emails from this woman asking him to be with her. His response to her letters was I love you and I miss you. He told me and our new marriage counselor that this was like a penpal he didn't mean it and that they are no longer talking. He recently stopped traveling.  I am suffering from depression and my current psychiatrist put me on medication. I stop taking it sometimes it makes me feel sick and I need to function fully around the kids./Lexapro. He calls her and complains when I seem upset. He talks about me needing medication and being unstable in front of our kids. I get very angry and start yelling. Then he pushes me and may call me more names.  Help me I want to leave.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

It sounds like a really rough time, and the option of leaving should always be there, and be well thought through before you do, if you do.  But in the meantime you are doing the right thing by being in therapy with him and the counselor, so be sure that this is the best counselor you can get because there is a lot at stake. Taking some small dose of lexapro to get you through this might be a good idea.

[Intrigue]

Eee -- when I post to a forum, I attempt to remain as emotionally detached as possible, because that allows for more helpful problem solving.  However, after reading your post, that counseling mode went out the window.  *smile*  From what you've found out about your husband and this former co-worker, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine they probably had a sexual relationship.  And, even if they didn't, they definitely had an intense romantic one.  Then, when you express your feelings of anger, depression, betrayal, abandonment and mistrust as a result of this affair, he has the nerve to call your counselor to complain that you are unstable?!  It appears so obvious that, if he can keep the focus shifted on you as the problem, he won't have to take responsibility for the fact that HE and his adulterous behavior are the problem.  It is my sincere hope that your therapist sees through this manipulation and sides solidly with you.    



One of the most important determining factors of whether marital counseling is going to be successful is whether both parties are willing to be real, open, honest and willing to accept responsibility for their actions.  It doesn't sound as though your husband is willing to do that.  Your current relationship is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.  So....you have a choice to make, don't you?  Are you willing to continue living with such a man, and subject your children to this abusive relationship, or do you believe you deserve more?  From my, uh, rather undetached perspective, I think you deserve more.  If you should reach the same decision, there are a host of agencies out there that can help you achieve the goal of moving on with your life.  



I wish you all the best, no matter what your decision.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.



Intrigue