Easily Aggravatged--think too much about the negative. What is wrong with me??

[Snook7]

I am a 37 year old married man with a 6 year old boy.
I do not drink alcohol (maybe twice a year).
I seem to get easily "extremely" aggravated over the most stupid things, after I feel like a real idiot and I get even more upset with myself for acting that way. Most days I am ok but it seems that other days I am a completely different person, I realize how I am acting but yet I can not seem to stop myself. During my "aggravation spell" I am not physically violent towards others but will "Want" to be towards myself and have been.

I have a very low self esteem about myself, I feel as though I am unable to succeed with anything I do, I have been this way for so long that I don't even try any more. Sometime I just wish I could disappear.
I am always thinking of the negative wherever I go; it is rare that I even make a positive comment about something.

Now on top of this I can sure fake it and seem to be just a normal person, but I know how I am and how I feel on the inside. I ask myself all the time what kind of person I am ....I don't know....I think if I had to answer I would say "I feel like a scared coward" that just cannot handle life.

Am I just simply depressed? If so I can not figure out why I am depressed, after all I have a wonderful Wife(that deals with this kind of Cra*) and a wonderful little boy, a good home and I make an ok living.

I always like to pride myself with having a lot of common sense and I think I am an intelligent person but I just do not understand why I am this way.

Maybe I need to talk to a psychologist or something??
Thanks for listening.

Snook7

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There are many people like yourself who suffer from low self esteem and beat them selves up the way you do.  Yes, you should certainly talk to a trained therapist and learn how to talk back to this hypercritical voice inside you...there are books also that can help, and my new book, shrinkyourself, has a lot of material on the hypercritical conscience and what you can do about it...the subject matter is about over eating, but the hypercritical conscience part is there throughout.

[RodF1966]

Hi.  I'm not a Dr. but your post really hit home with me. I can relate to your comments because I've spent most of my life that way.  I'm a 40 year old male.  You know, one lesson I've learned in my time is that sometimes we can be a bit too intellectual for our own good and pick ourselves apart too much.  I've always prided myself on having good old common sense and being somewhat intelligent.  Because of that I've nitpicked myself to death over the years.  Finding every little flaw.  I'm too fat, I'm too thin, I can't do anything right, I'm worthless, I don't have any friends, and on and on.  I wonder what your upbringing was like?  My Father was a very negative person and in his eyes we kids couldn't do anything right.  For as far back as I remember he was constantly making remarks under his breath or to our mother about our shortcomings.  I've battled over the years with very low self esteem and major anger issues.  Who am I mad at?  Well, I've always said I was just mad at myself and the world at times.  Actually I think I'm really mad at those tapes in my head from the past that continue to replay over and over again.
I'm happy to say that at forty I'm doing better.  Not cured by any means but am on medication and seeing a psychiatrist.  It's helping.  It took many years to find what worked for me.  Yeah, I think you should see someone.  Sometimes we men think it makes us less of a man to admit we have issues but I think it's the opposite.  It takes a bigger man to say I need help and want to make himself better for himself and his family.
Best of luck to you.
Rod.

[Snook7]

Thank you for your comment and yes, that is what I feel like, I feel like I am smart enough and down to earth enought to resolve my own problems. Generaly I am the type of person to do everything myself...everything....I will do most anything myself just to know it was done right and I do not get ripped off.

You should see...I know a little bit about so much but yet know one thing so well.

My dad was the same way, could not do anything right...he always had that look of disgust...that glare in his eye.Some times I catch myself glaring at my little boy like that when he does something..........I guess the good thing is that I realize all of this...but just want to fix it mysef.

Thank you again!

[Snook7]

You should see...I know a little bit about so much but yet "do not" know one thing so well.

[RodF1966]

Your welcome.  I really wish I could stress enough how much I do relate.  You hang in there and please give some serious thought to seeing somebody.  It really does help. It's tough, but we can stop the cycle.  Maybe we can't erase the tapes in our minds but just by becoming aware of them we take a step in the right direction.  Your not alone in your feelings.  There are others of us out here who do understand... who "get it."  

Rod.

[debaser23]

Not sure, but from experience either anxiety or depression can cause this type of behavior.  

Like you, I feel intelligent and well grounded, knowledgeable about a lot of different things but only really good at one or two.  That can be frustrating in and of itself.

While you may feel like you want to handle it yourself, it's quite likely you need help to regain your perspective.  

[onroute]

I believe that it Ok to be weak in some areas, but it sure is a shaky place to be.  But think on this are we "God".  We are just humans and have weaknesses and when we accept ourselves in those weaknesses we dont have to strive to be perfect.  I believe when we are loved and can love ourselves we dont have to "BE"  or "DO" everything right or perfect.  I am learning t hat in my own weaknesses and it is very hard.  I gotto do everything perfect but with my health and I need to even rely on people around me and that is hard but you know what that does not demean me....I am still important and so are you!  You can actually tell yourself that and see how it fits.  Might feel uncomfortable but try it on for size.  And begin to praise you wife and son and see how that fits.  Might feel good about yourself for giving yourself  praise and those you love eH?  Practice!?  Make it a game at the table at dinner...to think of the "best" things to say about each other and build each other up.  
ONly my thoughts coming as I was writing..

[Snook7]

Thank you all for posting to my comment, I am  sure I do need to see a professional to put things in prospective, it is hard though since I am sure when I go that will be a good day...it is almost like I need to go when I have a bad day so they can see how I am being...last few days have been good. Today I started my vacation and decided to go fishing....have not been in a while....so I went down to the beach and you would think a bait shop would be around..That's a big NO..I drove for miles and Miles looking..getting madder and madder...any ways....just that ruined my whole day..It seems like one thing and my day is shot. I think it is really stupid that I get like that, silly and embarrassing....Well...Thanks for listening again...best wishes to all of you.

[onroute]

Hey...go anyways to psychologist....cause it is amazing when one sits in the chair to talk.....it is easy to bring up "stuff" then.  I have tried it and I thought the way you did......."no good thing will happen here".............but not true...you will be able to talk about your problems even when you go in strong.

Sorry about the fishing...hey.....life just is not Smoothe!