Bad mother daughter relationship

[Risa_]

I'm suffering from a really bad problem. My mother does not love me. All day she goes on about how much she has suffered from my dad and his family, and how nobody loves her. She takes it all out on me. She clearly loves her mother and her siblings more than she loves me and MY siblings. She goes on and on about how much she's unhappy in life, how WE caused her to have health problems, how WE make her unhappy. She calls me and my sister bad names, if she's not happy no-one is happy. If we show respect and love to our father she breaks out and cries and says how no one loves her.

I made honor roll, I never go out with friends cause she clearly does not like my friends, I never do ANYTHING that would hurt her.

Her mother (my grandmother) calls me and makes rude comments, and judges me. When I try to tell my mom she just tells me that I should be embarrased, that my grandmother would never do that etc. etc.

When I try to appologize she doesn't care.

This is really giving me a lot of stress. And on top of that I'm suffering from relatinonship problems.

She doesn't understand me, and she never will. She doesn't love me she never did.

What should I do?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Risa, you have a big load to carry, and doesn't sound like you are getting much help from anyone.  Can your father help, or his family?  The best thing to do is talk it through with your mother, but that sounds impossible now, although may be possible some time in the future.

When this happens, most people try to find a kind of family in their friends and peer relationships.  Perhaps you have not been doing enough of that, and finding friends that you trust and respect might be the best thing you can do to get through this rough period.

Also, is there a counseling service at school or through your religion that you can call upon?

[TMJN]

I grew up with a mother like this.  I was an only child, though.  I am 25 now, and over Mother's Day Weekend, she again proved that her own parents were more important parts of her life than I was/am.  I was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by her most of my life.  However, I realize she was treated this way by her own parents.  She is now seeking acceptance from her parents, as I am seeking approval from her.  It is something taht is hard to deal with.  I feel like I am never good enough.  She has had fists fights with me.  Drug me by my hair.  Embarrased me in front of my friends. And even chocked me in front of my husband.  With age, she seems to calm down, but she doesn't acknowledge that she has hurt me in any way.  It is my fault and she works hard to make me feel guilty.  As a result of this, I am people pleaser in the rest of my life.  I just want to make someone happy and I often forget to make myself happy.  This could be because I am never really happy myself.  

While, I still struggle with this relationship--the love and the hate of an abusive mother, I have come to realize that it is not my fault.  I have a right to feel this way.  I suggest you try to separate yourself from her words and actions.  Become numb to those bad things.  But don't become numb to everything else.  You need to make sure you can feel love from other places.  Seek comfort from friends and your sisters.  

Remember nothing is forever.  One day you will be old enough to pack up and move out.  Space may be the thing you need.  Keep surviving.  Protect your sisters.  And one day, walk away.  I know it is easier said than done, because we want to believe they will change and that they love us.  Choose to accept the good, and walk away from the bad.  Accept that you may need a break from her that spans several months before the good can start again.  Seek counseling.  

I will pray for you.

[melissa3282]

My mother and I never got along and still dont and im 25.  So i know how you feel i'll tell you what i do and you can take it or leave it instead of stooping to her level you make you self higher when you leave tell her mom i love you and if she dont say it dont let it get to you u make that step
but i understand cause i went through it and more so do what you can to make your life better.  good luck

[Maggie2007]

It has been a while since you posted on the forum, but I just read it today. I can relate to an extent.
I am not sure how old you are, but wonder if you live at home or not? I'd recommend getting some space and limiting your contact with your mother. If you live at home...try to live on campus. I'm not saying to cut her off or anything, but call her to say hi and see how she is doing. Keep the calls short and sweet. If she starts acting-up and saying things, either say, "mom, I can't talk to you when you are talking to me like this. I'll call you tomorrow." If that is too hard for you to do right now, say you have to go and don't give an answer why. She sounds very narcissistic (as does her own mother) and that she really lacks empathy. She may not even have the ability to see that whatever family issues that have gone on affect you too.
Just know that your mother's behavior towards you is not your fault. You sound like a good daughter and its a shame that your mother doesn't see that.
Best of luck. Keep us posted.

[xn0nymous]

okay, so I'm 13 years old, and my mom and I obviously have alot of tension between us. let me start with my mom.
when my mom grew up, she had an alcoholic dad that would physically abuse her and her mom. he would also sleep with other women, which led to my mom having so many sisters and brothers. ofcourse, since her dad was an alcoholic, she became one as well.
when I was seven turning eight, we moved from california, to florida, which is where I still live. around then, my mom stopped drinking. roughly around there, I suppose. most of the hitting was when she was drinking, but sometimes it wasn't. she would throw dishes at the walls, at my dad, at my sister, whatever, then expect us to clean it up. if we didn't, she'd go on her hands and knees, washing the floors and everything, acting victimized. she sometimes still does it. I've always remembered this one thing when I was little; of course she was angry, and I think I was hiding in my room, or SOMETHING, and she came in, trying to get me out, and started hitting me on the back as hard as she could. I was curled in a ball, and thats all I can remember.
so far, you can obviously see that my mom isnt very stable. of course, there are good times with her, its just I'm only talking about the bad, so please remember that she is only human, even if she is a vile one.
anyways, I have an older sister who started drugs at around 8th grade. she still does them, but, since she was older, I wanted to be just like her. so, in the middle of 6th grade, I started smoking pot. once I got into 7th grade, I started stealing my dads oxycodone, crush them up and snort it. also, I was always an alcoholic, I even told my mom when I was little, I think 6, that I liked the taste of the church wine and I liked how it felt when it went down my throat. finally, I got caught three times; one with the oxy, one selling pot, and one passing pot at school. the first and second, the police didn't get involved. of course the second one they were. but anyways, I stopped doing drugs, and so far its been 4 months, go me =D
but anyways, my mom and I would always get in fights, ALWAYS. I think last year, that sounds about right, my mom started throwing my stuff away because it was on the floor. I told her that when I was older, I was going to sue her for destruction of my things. she stomped over to me, and tried to slap me, but we pretty much got into a cat fight, but I stopped in the middle and curled into a ball, and she kept on hitting me. this year, my mom and I got into a catfight also. pretty much what happened is we were all yelling at eachother, and and I was then told to shut up. I had thought my mom said I was stupid (later on I figured out she did, it was just hard to figure it out because she uses REALLY big words, such as austentatious, or however you spell it.), and I asked her what she had said. she told me to shut up, and I said no. I was sitting down and so was my mom, but she stood up, and she tried doing something, I dont remember if she was going to slap me or whatever, but I tried blocking her, then she pulled at my hair and I then grabbed her hair, too. we landed on my dads bed, and I told her that I would let go once she let go. she said no, and then some cuss words, and I let go.
also, this year, we were yelling at eachother, and I thought she was going to hurt my dad. he got into an almost fatal carcrash last year, and can't walk very well. I told him to go away cus I didn't want her hitting him. a few minutes later, she said that I should find a belt before she 'comes at me with her fists'. anyways, I was freaking out, and I was in my dads room, he was somewhere else, I dont know, but my mom came in and started smacking me with the belt on my legs. it left a bruise, but I didnt hit her or anything. I just wanted her to calm down and get away from me.
also, this year, my mom was incredibly drunk, and tried sleeping in our back yard. my dad and I picked her up and put her in her bed. she was sobbing, saying  'you promised, you promised' to my dad. my dad made her lay down and layed down next to her. about ten minutes later I came back into my mom s room and I overheard her saying "if you dont get out of my room I'm going to go into the kitchen, get a knife, and stab you." and I ran out of the room, took all the sharp stuff from the kitchen and hid them underneath my dads bed, just incase my mom was actually planning on doing it.
last night, my mom and I were in a good mood with eachother, and we went to barnes and noble. she asked me to tell her a good memory from my childhood. I couldn't answer her, because I couldn't think of any. I have a really bad memory, so it was probably because of that, but it still made me really sad. today, my dad and mom confronted me, saying that if the cats didn't stop peeing everywhere, they'd give them away. my mom was obviously pissed off by something else, but anyways, I was trying to clean all the kitty litter up, so I went to get the vacuum cleaner. she stopped me, telling me that it would be much easier if I just washed it by hand.
I thought it would be much easier if I just vacuumed up the kitty litter then washed it so I could get the germs out, but whatever. she told me to stop 4 times, and I had at the 1st time she said it. I think she wanted me to put the vacuum cleaner back, but without actually saying it. I glared at her, and she and I looked at eachother for a few seconds and she slapped me across the face. flinching, I kicked out and I think I pushed her, I dont remember. she stopped where she was fists up. it was obvious that she had never been in an actual fight, because her hands weren't even near her face. her fist were down by her waist and I started yelling at her, screaming that what she did was for no reason whatsoever, and I didn't do anything to deserve her hitting me. I said that it was an abusive thing to do, and she freaked out about it. she called the cops on me, but they never came. I think its because she's called them so many times that they really dont care. I then went into my dads room with my dad, and my mom came in, yelling "she attacked me!!" and so on.
"she weighs more than me! she'll kill me! I'm so afraid!"
then she tells my dad that she's not afraid of me.
a few minutes ago, she said that "I attacked her twice, and it wasnt going to happen a third time." I never was the first person to hit the other person; it was always her.
I then had to say sorry that I assaulted her. I wanted to hurt her so badly. I hate her. I really do.
I want her dead. I want her out of the house. I want her gone. I dont even know.
am I making this way into more than it should be? is it actual abuse, or what?

[Maggie2007]

Sorry that you have to go through this. Yes, this is abuse and it is escalating, right? It sounds like your parents need help. You need help too.
You need to tell someone about this...I understand school is out of session, but is there a guidance counselor, social worker or teacher that you can tell? They should know what to do. You need to tell someone before you or your parents get hurt. Your parents may be upset that you tell someone, but it needs to be done. They aren't protecting you and are putting you in danger. They are even putting themselves in danger.
Tell someone.

[ema87]

I also have a really bad relationship with my mother, though unlike all the previous posts, mine is a two way street. I don't remember the exact moment or even a realization of any progression of negativity towards my mom we just started having all these problems. When I was growing up ( like before i was even in school) she was having all these bad and scary reactions to things where her heart would race or she couldn't breathe. She lost all this weight and none of the doctors she went to could figure out what was wrong. All during this time I didn't understand what was wrong, all I remember are times when I would be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night to rush her to the hospital, her freaking out downstairs b/c she reacted badly to something she'd eaten, having to explain to all my friends why my mom had to wear a face mask (she wore a standard white face mask b/c she said she couldnt breathe in air b/c of allergies or something), getting off the school bus and seeing her waiting in the car at the end of the driveway and just knowing that meant I'd be spending the next couple of hours in the hospital parking lot ( because when she wasn't having a reaction, she was paranoid that she was going to have one). Basically all my memories of her are not motherly  nor are they pleasant and I guess I became unconcsiously very angry towards her. Anyways, I had a turbulent time through later gradeschool and middleschool and I remember getting stressed out about things and completely taking them out on her. I would yell that I hated her and that she made me want to move away. I even tried running away once...I walked two miles until I finally stopped at a friend's house to call for her to pick me up..it was more of an idle threat anyways. She and I are mutually emotionally abusive to each other. She would be unrestrained in telling me how much of a brat I was, how lazy I was, how she wasn't ever like me when she was little. She even told me a story about a certain aunt that she had who was one of the nicest ladies she knew but she had a bratty daughter who was all emotionally abusive. She went on to say that this daughter drove her aunt to have a nervous breakdown and now she's a vegetable. She said point blank, you're going to do that to me someday. Shes said other things of a similar nature that most use in a joking manner but she says in total seriousness like "you're going to put me in an early grave."Nothing I ever do seems to be done right for her and nothing is ever good enough. She doesn't think I"m competent enough to do certain things on my own when I'm 20 friggin years old, I can figure this stuff out. My dad sympathizes with me because they've had a rocky marriage...she's a tough woman to deal with it's no secret. She's gotten in fights w/ my dad's brother, alientated herself from his side of the family and doesn't feel comfortable around them. Given that, I'm no angel. I am admittedly disrespectful of her space (she's a neatfreak and I might be the messiest person anyone's ever met) I'm inconsiderate in how I talk to her many times, I judge her. Everything is vice versa though and how I treat her is a reflection of how she also treats me. So I've tried to illustrate a history of our relationship as I saw it from my perspective as a child and how it is today: a completely dysfunctional cycle of biting comments and temper tantrums. I want to have a better relationship with my mom, I've told her that. We had an EEENOOORMOUS blowout a couple of weeks ago that resulted in what I thought was a first step towards actually listening to each other and beginning to undersatnd one another instead of living resenting each other back and forth. But since then it seems we've taken that step back as gradually things have reverted to the way they were and tonight I completely embarrassed myself with a disgusting display in another one of our fights. I don't know what to do, I'm 20 and not even home most of the time. My thought was to go to therapy, but I'll be back at school in a month and a half. Is it even worth trying to save or should I just consider it a relationship lost years ago and try to just go on in a mutual kind of tolerance of each other?The thing is is we can't just do it ourselves. We don't listen to each other, there needs to be some kind of outside perspective or a mediator b/c if there isn't we get lost in our own perspectives and beat each other to death with accusations and judgements. My dad has been serving the mediator position for years but he hates it, I would too. I just don't know what to do at all.

[Godisgood!]

I too have problems with my mother.  I am 36, and a married mother of three children.  My relationship has always been bad with my mother.  She is selfish, and has created alot of drama throughout my whole life.  She thinks she is a wonderful mother and grandmother, although I could probably count on 2 hands how many times my mother has helped me by watching my children, so that I can get a break.  Anyway, there's alot of stuff with my mom that I'm not going to get into.

Here's what I've learned:
It doesn't have to be that way for me and my children.  Yes, I feel all alone, and not loved by her, and it hurts that she doesn't want me.  But that's the past, I've got three small children and a wonderful husband that do love and want me.  I need to learn from her mistakes!  Maybe that's why God gave me such a mother, so that I would want to be a better one.  Maybe she's my example of what not to do!

I need to live for today, and give my children the love and support that I never and still do not have.  There are people out there who do love me, and I need to go to them, not her.  I just need to show my mother love, but from a safe distance, not expecting anything in return.  I am only responsible for my actions, not hers.