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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
Co-existing with other children
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
Co-existing with other children
by Rhett, Oct 13, 2000 12:00AM
Good Day,
Until recently I was in the military and moved my family quite a bit. I decided to get out when my oldest daughter was nearly 4 so she and her younger sister could be raised in a single house, rather than moving all the time. My problem is this, my daughter is now 5 and in kindergarten. She is very out going, almost to outgoing. She wants to have friends so bad that she tends to help too much, which intern makes other kids mad at her and fights start. This is not just happening to a single child either, it happens to whoever may be sitting next to her. She always is the child that answers the teachers questions out loud even after being told to give other children a chance to try and answer the question. Obviously this is affecting quite a bit, she thinks she has no friends, school is not fun, and after school is not fun. My daughter is very loving, polite and good-natured. Having said that though she is at times very heavy handed at times when she is playing outside. From what I can see, and I am by no means a doctor, she wants others to play with her and be her friend so by she seems to be trying to hard. My family blames me for playing with her rough, which we do at times – pretend wrestling, tag, and swimming pool games. I do not think they are rough games however once again I am not a professional concerning this issue. I would like her to have the best life possible and am willing to try anything to get this to stop. I feel very responsible for moving her around so much when she was younger and never having a good play friend for a long period of time. Please give me any information you can to include books to read. Thank you very much for your time.
Rhett
Until recently I was in the military and moved my family quite a bit. I decided to get out when my oldest daughter was nearly 4 so she and her younger sister could be raised in a single house, rather than moving all the time. My problem is this, my daughter is now 5 and in kindergarten. She is very out going, almost to outgoing. She wants to have friends so bad that she tends to help too much, which intern makes other kids mad at her and fights start. This is not just happening to a single child either, it happens to whoever may be sitting next to her. She always is the child that answers the teachers questions out loud even after being told to give other children a chance to try and answer the question. Obviously this is affecting quite a bit, she thinks she has no friends, school is not fun, and after school is not fun. My daughter is very loving, polite and good-natured. Having said that though she is at times very heavy handed at times when she is playing outside. From what I can see, and I am by no means a doctor, she wants others to play with her and be her friend so by she seems to be trying to hard. My family blames me for playing with her rough, which we do at times – pretend wrestling, tag, and swimming pool games. I do not think they are rough games however once again I am not a professional concerning this issue. I would like her to have the best life possible and am willing to try anything to get this to stop. I feel very responsible for moving her around so much when she was younger and never having a good play friend for a long period of time. Please give me any information you can to include books to read. Thank you very much for your time.
Rhett
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Oct 13, 2000 12:00AM
, Oct 13, 2000 12:00AM
Dear Rhett,
It may be that your daughter has not had the opportunity, via protracted contact with an established set of peers, to learn the relaxed give-and-take of relationships. It sounds like she comes on too strongly with peers, and attempts to take charge and assert herself in ways that don't demonstrate mutuality. Of course, she's young and learning social skills is a process that is ongoing for all children.
It's not immediately apparent to me that your play with her is instrumental in this regard - it probably isn't. To be on the safe side, it might be good nonetheless to tone down the physical aspect of the play.
More important is the lack of continuity she's had in relationships, and you've made a change in your career which will now have a beneficial influence. She will now be able to have sustained contact with other children her age.
To help her with this, try to identify one or two concrete behaviors that are getting in her way. When she has playmates over, set limits on the problematic behaviors and reward the types of behaviors you'd like her to demonstrate. Also, collaborate with her teacher to accomplish this on the school front as well. If kids are turning against her, she's doing things that they find onerous - try to pinpoint those things as best you can.
On the reading front, it might be useful to read about the social behavior of typical five-year-olds. This will help you to gauge how closely she is approximating what is regarded as normal behavior for her age. Your local library or larger bookstores will have plenty of literature available about this. Just remember, focus on literature about normal children; stay away from the literature about pathology - it won't be as useful to you.
It may be that your daughter has not had the opportunity, via protracted contact with an established set of peers, to learn the relaxed give-and-take of relationships. It sounds like she comes on too strongly with peers, and attempts to take charge and assert herself in ways that don't demonstrate mutuality. Of course, she's young and learning social skills is a process that is ongoing for all children.
It's not immediately apparent to me that your play with her is instrumental in this regard - it probably isn't. To be on the safe side, it might be good nonetheless to tone down the physical aspect of the play.
More important is the lack of continuity she's had in relationships, and you've made a change in your career which will now have a beneficial influence. She will now be able to have sustained contact with other children her age.
To help her with this, try to identify one or two concrete behaviors that are getting in her way. When she has playmates over, set limits on the problematic behaviors and reward the types of behaviors you'd like her to demonstrate. Also, collaborate with her teacher to accomplish this on the school front as well. If kids are turning against her, she's doing things that they find onerous - try to pinpoint those things as best you can.
On the reading front, it might be useful to read about the social behavior of typical five-year-olds. This will help you to gauge how closely she is approximating what is regarded as normal behavior for her age. Your local library or larger bookstores will have plenty of literature available about this. Just remember, focus on literature about normal children; stay away from the literature about pathology - it won't be as useful to you.
