I am fed up with this marriage

[sajitt]

Well, to introduce myself, I hail from a normal upper middle class Indian family, born and brought up abroad by liberal parents and quite independent in thought & action.Mine was an arranged marriage , I met my husband in Dubai, we talked for 2 hrs, he told me exactly what all I wanted to hear about responsibility, family attachments, independence in thoughts etc etc and thought that we can get married. We had 6 mths of courtship period(which was terrible) bcoz my husband was totally insensitive about what a girl expects from him, quite callous in nature and have a dont care attitude about everything. He is quite selfish when it comes to money matters and conveninece . He doest keep up to his word in any matter at all and I find it difficult bcoz I had rather die than not keep up with my word. To his parents and sibling, he is quite an absent minded character , who hasnt seen life to the full.We almost broke off our enaggement 2 times and then our folks had to talk it out and get us back together. We got married 18 months ago.... I used to love him before marriage but never got the same feelig back- he was lost in his own world....the night of our marraige , he once again broke his promise and came into my bedroom with the smell of liquor , which I dread. From then on our probs increased, our lifetsyle too was quite hectic , with spending long hours on work, traffic etc. In between all this, initially I used to try to talk to him, about our life, dreams, hopes, aspirations etc....... he would hardly listen---he wud be in his own world, always distratcted and doesnt care for small talks. Gradually I started closing into myself, i stopped talking to him other than customary talks - whenever he drank , not quite often, I wud pick up a fight , bcoz when he drinks , he wud go overboard.
Our fights would last for long and all the time he would take the effort to get back to me . One fine day, on some small issue he slapped me , tat ws the limit and i totally stopped talking to him.My self esteem went down the drain.I was totally hysteric .I wanted to call it quits but then once again our folks tried to talk reason into both of us and we started off again. Slowly I started losing any attachement  and respect towards him.

He left his job in between, I supported him completely but wanted him to find a good job where he would be able to take care of me --- he is quite irresponsible with his job as well and this ends him up in a mediocre job which is jus enuf to support his loans..... remianing household, family comitements back home etc etc, I look after. So our financial tensions too added onto our otherwise shifty marriage.

I was a virgin when I had got married and really had been waiting for sharing my life with jus 1 guy. And I am quite free with my emotions on bed-- and do not hold any inhibitions in lovemaking. Compared to my husband, my sexual drive was also initially high. Be it the hectic lifestyle we had , be it the lack of interest my husband had, be it his ignorance in bed, we shared a poor sex life - once in 2 weeks , tat also on a weekend- this was atrocious for a newly married couple.Moreover the lovemaking initially hardly lasted for 15-20 mins. His concept of lovemaking was to undress me, get on top of me and push himself into me - no foreplay, no snuggling, no talking, and then he would turn over and sleep. Gradually I started letting him know that I did not like this - I wanted to feel close to him, I wanted to be aroused, I wanted to be loved in bed, I wanted him to talk to me--- since he never knew what to do, I tried to teach him, told him things I liked him to do, told him my fantasies, told him how I feel about his actions etc.... He wud try his hand on it for 2 days and that also not completely--- somehwere along he would leave something incomplete......

I became frustrated , angry and depressed. We shifted our house , thinking the change may help us..... now we lead a lesser hectic life and I tried to revive our sex life in many ways - dressing up seductively ,try out new stuff in bed, go out together, aroma tehrapy etc etc,,,,...but he never reacts to it .... And now I have reached a stage where when he takes the initiate to have sex, my body has stopped responding to him. I dont feel anything when he touches me.... He tries to make love to me --- I HAVE BECOME FRIGID....... and tat for me is totally humiliating and Im not able to take that in......, I tried talking to my husband to try doing things a bit differently but he doesnt know to do anything else on bed than climbing on top of me- I discussed the imp of foreplay, talking, oral sex, etc etc, try out diff positions in bed etc...... ultimately all this goes to a deaf ear. The thought of gratifying myself is also too unbearable to me sometimes. I dream about it in my sleep and that leaves me even more guilty. I have become a nagging and touchy person. I cant stand my husband, I have become so depressed and even suicidal.

I have been wanting to meet a counsellor initially, my husband fixed me up with a psychiatrist and he recommended anti deprss-which I do not wnat to take. Our folks want us to meet a doctor/ counsellor/sexologist etc--and initially I too wanted the same--- but now I have reached a stage , where Im completely fed up with this. I dont love my husband anymore- I dont care what happend to our marriage- Im ready to face things..... I just want to get out of this relationship.

[Trialanderror]

Under Western standards it is pretty clear that this marriage is not going anywhere. You have tried just about anything and if the only progress was to put YOU on antidepressants instead of working on getting your husband up to speed, I would run for the hills as well. Is your part of the family still liberal enough to support you getting out of that arranged marriage? I know there is a lot of those "loss of honor" issues involved and I am not sure if leaving your husband would put you in danger. Quite sure there would be the usual dowry issues involved. Not everyone here will be familiar with the repercussions a divorce has in your culture but if you can get some legal advice first from a neutral counselor, not someone either family chooses, you will feel more assured about the steps you can take. No relationship should cause suicidal thoughts in a partner. Good luck to you.

[sajitt]

Yes, As u said there is a lot of loss of honor issues, and societal outlook etc would be quite a task. No dowry issues though because we dont practice the same in our part of the country.As per our culture, the common advise would be " try to adjust, this is your life". But Im not looking at a marriage just as a compromising arrangement and somewhere I simply compromise througout my life.Wat my family proposes is blindly " meet a counsellor, u guys talk out things !" But then I dont have anybody who listens to me and in Dubai, its quite difficult to get a good counsellor. I really am going crazy...

[Trialanderror]

I see...and in Dubai you are dealing with a man`s world, so your options may be limited to begin with.
I could only see you leaving the country and live in a liberal environment. I know that doesn`t resolve the family pressure but in the long run having been raised liberal you may want to surround yourself with liberal people. You said you are working a lot. Could you get yourself transfered to a different country on your own?

[SeeingSpots]

I agree with Trialanderror... leaving Dubai and getting a new start may be the best thing for you to do.  It will be scary and hard to leave your family and all you know, but it also may just save your life (since you mentioned suicide and that your husband drinks and slaps/abuses you).  In the USA our thinking is that a marriage is an equal and loving partnership, and that women have a say in their marriage and happiness.  I feel so sorry for you, as there are so many men in my country who would treat you entirely differently-- with respect, honor and love.  I look at my own marriage-- to a man who is not only my husband, but my best friend... he respects me, cherishes me, is always trying to please me before himself (both in life and in the bedroom), and would give his life for me.  You deserve that too.  If you cannot get marital counseling there and truly feel that you can't go on with your marriage to this man, you should really think about ending it (and possibly moving to another country) before things get any worse... an abusive alcholic husband is dangerous, and at least right now you don't have children also to consider.  You deserve to be happy, and trust me, life is soooo much better if you are married to the RIGHT man.  Do you have any relatives or friends in another country or area that you could stay with?  

[RockRose]

Was there some reason you still agreed to marry him while he proved himself unacceptable during the courtship period?  

I have two very good friends who have arranged marriages,  and they are splendid relationships.  They didn't court for nearly 6 months - they had only a few meetings - but wow,  what great relationships.    

I wonder why you went through with it when you knew he was unsuitable.

[Confused about HIV risk]

So, how do you like Austin?  I've only been there once, probably one of the worst days of my life.  That day and a subsequent phone call made me want to kill her.  Still am paranoid she'll pop up somewhere, like a vicious cancer, ready to eat away.  I know I would ignore her, and I wouldn't be jaded from seeing her, because I have more important things to think about than some silly little girl playing mind games.  It's amazing how some 'women', who like to think they are 'women', are just silly little girls.  Still it worries me, I don't want to have to kill anyone.

I learned a lot from that experience.  I don't think I was ever 'played' up until that point.  And it really was just a distraction from not dealing with other, more severe, problems in my life.

[RockRose]

I love Austin.  

I hope somehow you resolve your difficulties,  and if you don't,   I pray you don't return to my fair city.  

[sajitt]

Hi,

Thanks a lot for all the support. After a lot of consideration, I have decided to call teh marriage quits.We have been living separately from Oct 2007 onwards. We are getting a divorce and though its getting a bit nasty, since its not on mutual consent, inspite of that I feel much better without him in my life.

Infact , even to the group I had not opened up regarding my entire probs. One of the main reasons why I did not want to carry on this relationship anymore was that I was scared to live with him. He used to hurt me when he got angry and often that used to lead to him hitting me , even to the extent of a rape many a time.
I was too ashamed to talk of it at that time.... but now that Iam outside Iam not scared to talk.

Once again, thanks to you all  for giving me timely advice which helped me take teh right decision.

[jo929]

This sounds like the beat thing to do,Why put up with something that makes  you miserable, lots of luck  jo

[katarina777]

Depression is a sickness of the soul. and what this man did to you is/was constantly injuring your soul. to me it is much worse than all other injuries, and yes, it can make a person commit suicide. So glad you did what you had to do.

[katarina777]

PS: I would be proud to be your friend. You sound like a really neat person, and the 'frigidity' only proves your great spirit. Mostly people who have very much life and spirit inside get this depressed because they are prevented from expressing that life force and passion.
And don't give up on men forever, OK? But be sure it's  not a soul killer.