14 yr old - Post Divorce Behavior

[DrHook]

Father and I divorced at age 11.  He is a good hearted kid and is very torn by his loyalty to both parents.  He has born the brunt of his father's anger his entire life. At age 13 we moved out of state-they see their father twice a month and every school break/summer.  Their father willingly let all 3 kids move with me and their step-dad. My son has been lying to us about trivial items and big things like being told not to set up MySpace/Facebooks sites and doing it anyway.  He says he wants his privacy - I was going to allow him to set up a supervised site upon his return home from the summer but he defied my wishes and set one up at dad's where no one was paying attention.  I found it because he e-mailed me from his new e-mail address - he uses same old passwords so it was easy to catch him.  Did he want to get caught? He is now expressing desire to go live with dad - in a year??? - not sure why the wait!  
My question is - should I let him have the privacy of the chat sites - MySpace - etc - the content is fairly innocous stuff - harry potter, surf camp, how cool his dad is, etc. Am I hanging on too tightly?  Do I need to let the little lies go?  I do not feel that I can trust ANYTHING he tells me. AlI want is for him to take responsiblity for his actions.  At his old school in our previous location - he was having social issues - no friends, being teased, etc.  Things are better here so I am not sure why he wants to live so bad with dad when dad does not treat him well.  It seems as though he willing to accept that treatment because he wants that freedom.....
I want him to stay here with us for the duration of high school - his stepdad is home fulltime - we are able to offer the supervision and guidance teenagers need.  Their dad leaves them home alone while he dates, works, etc.  
Mom in need.......

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The sorts of web sites that you mention can be problems, so good supervision is important. It would be OK to permit your son to establish his page on the site, with the understanding that (a) he is to be truthful in his interactions with you, and (b) you may well monitor his activity on the web from time to time. He's too young to have the activity unsupervised. At his age it's reasonable for him to request more privacy than he used to have, but it's also important to balance that with his need for some supervision. So, have some talks with him about his privacy and in what ways he would like to see that privacy respected. See if you can reach an understanding about this. Relative to living with his father, the fact that he mentioned living with father next year shows his ambivalence about it. At his age, children are often attracted to the opportunity for unsupervised activity, and it may well be that this is what motivates his thought about changing his principle residence. In any case, he should not be in a home where supervision is not avaialble, particularly as he enters a time in his life when superviison should not at all be relaxed. It takes a lot of vigilance on the part of parents to help kids navigate the teen years, and too often parents relax their supervision to much and too early.