I Feel So Guilty

[Chuck10010]

Any of you caregivers ever get frustrated and answer your loved one in a less than patient manner and feel so guilty for doing it?  My wife is having some hallucinations as part of her end stage ovarian cancer.  I have just been trying to convince her that there is no one in the house with us although she is seeing other people in the house.  I just asked her to go to the bathroom before I put her to bed and she said that someone is in the bathroom.  I guess I answer a little sharply that there is no one but us in the house.  She told me that I didn't have to be so nasty.  I feel so guilty.  Do things like this happen to others?  I try my hardest not to show frustration but after a long days work today, I guess that it go the best of me.

[rmarie]

I was a caregiver for my mother who had Alheizmer's disease, all I can say is been there done that.  Know that she knows you love her.  If she wasn't ill, you would have given the same response and gotten the same comment, I know my husband and I have remarks like that on occasion.  It is a tough, loving road you are walking.  Don't beat yourself up with guilt, it is counter productive.  My thoughts are with you
Marie

[karenredsox]

I am a patient, not caregiver and can tell you, Chuck those hallucinations are familiar.  While I was in Chemo (just finished round #6 four weeks ago), I was afraid to be left alone, imagined someone in the house, and basically was (and still am at times) very impatient.  Insecurity and anxiety play a large part in all of this even for very normally strong women.  I was the caregiver and nuturer to everyone else until I got sick.  A reassuring hug, cuddling and PRAYER for any faith is what will help the most in my opinion.  I will pray for you, for your patience and stamina during this rough time and I am praying for your wife.  God Bless.

[Helmar]

Hello...You have been under stress from the time your wife was dx, so I would think that stress level has heightened now that you know she isn't doing so well, so I think you can be forgiven for being a little curt. You know you don't really mean it, and I'm sure she does too... it's just the situation that you are both living under, and it's very sad indeed. To apologise and reassure her that she is much loved is important I think. I feel for you and your wife, and hope that she is not in any pain.
Sending you both warm hugs from DownUnder... Helen...

[SimplyStar]

As a care giver,  when my daughter gets down, I tell her the funniest jokes I can and make her laugh.  this brings her out quicker than anything.  It is impossible  for any other emotion to cover up laughter. Can you redirect her by asking her to tell you who is in the house/bathroom?   touching is helpful also  read to her   Hold hands  Never feel guily about the love you are showing her now .  Get someone to come in and give you some private time for yourself,   this is a heartbreaking time for you and you have nothing to feel guily about for your exchange of words, dwell on the fact that she answered you by saying she heard your rebuke, this means she is still aware of  you and senses your feelings.  The mind plays dirty tricks on us when we are trying to handle situations we have no control over, her halucinations are possibly an escape mechanism for her.  When people tell me to put myself in my daughters shoes, I answer them by saying we both wear shoes,  and they  pinch both our feet.  From a loving Mother  to a loving Husband. Take care

[chelan3]

Hi chuck, I'm a caregiver to my elderly mom who has schizophrenia.  Delusions and hallicinations have been a part of my life with her all my life.  Yes, I sometimes get frustrated too after a long tiring day at work (I also work full time in addition to caring for her) and she insists someone is in the house or she hears someone that isn't there.  But over the years I've learned not to argue with her, and try and just smile and hug her and tell her I'm sorry she's having a bad day or even just ignore what she says and change the subject, it helps.  Try not to feel guilty, it is stressful being a caregiver and working too.  
Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.  Take care.
Debbie

[vegas2cr]

Hi Chuck,  I am a patient whose husband helps me to make it through each day with this horrid disease.  Sometimes in my own frustation I take things wrong or say the wrong things and thank goodness he understands... I know his frustration as well as yours makes it difficult.  You love her and she loves you and thats all that matters..Don't be too hard on yourself.  It is so hard... Please take care of yourself.. Ronni

[Chuck10010]

Thank you all for your loving and supportive comments.  It's been a long 8 years since she was originally diagnosed.  A long road for both of us but in my opinion much harder on her.  I guess that's why I take it so hard when I do or say the "wrong thing".  Today I've tried being extra patient and supportive to make up for yesterday.  She's in pain and it seems to be starting to get worse.  It's a relief to know that others experience the hallucinations as well.  While not a pleasant thing, it's reassuring for me to know that others experience the same things.  Thank you again for your love and support.