help for grandson, mommy and daddy

[grannyofone]

My daughter's ex says bad things about her in front of their child "Joe". Yesterday he was in contempt of court because he did not return him to his mommy. He yelled at her on the phone in front of Joe, I told you you're not getting him I am taking him home. My daughter told him if he didn't return him she would call the police and have contempt charges brought on him. The dad said go ahead. My daughter did file contempt charges, but did not involve the police as she did not want to scare Joe. She also didn't try to take him home because she did not want problems in front of him. When she did get Joe home the next day, he tells her "daddy almost went to jail" she said "how come" and he says "because you called the cops on daddy and they might take him to jail". She asked him "how do you know that" and he said "because daddy told me you did" How does she tell Joe, age 5 that dad should not tell him things like that. My daughter was told not to put the child in the middle of the parents problems. So how does she tell Joe that what daddy did and said was wrong without putting Joe in the middle? The dad also puts her down when she isn't around because her son comes home and tells her things the dad has said. If my daughter confronts the dad about he tells her she is lying and making stuff up. Then the next time Joe is with the dad, his story has changed to fit the dad's story. You can see he is coercing him. What is the right way to approach the son to find out what is being said without being negative about the dad. If she does try to talk to him about it, then she is putting their child in the middle and making him choose who he believes. She can't set by and let him believe his mommy is a bad person because of what the dad says. My daughter is not perfect, but she is a good mom and does try to keep peace with the dad and does try to keep Joe out of it.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There should be no attempt to learn about developments by speaking with your grandson. And it is really beside the point to do so, because you already know about the nature of the situation. There is nothing to gain by having conversations with such a young child about all this. You are correct in thinking that this puts the boy in an untenable situation. The only exception would occur if the boy asks a direct question pertaining to his father's behavior or comments. In response, depending on the question, it is OK to acknowledge differences of opinion between the parents, without becoming critical of his father. It sounds like a guardian ad litem should be appointed to investigate this situation and to issue recommendations to the court about how to proceed.

[jayncandi]

I was put into this situation by my dad when I was a child.  For a good portion of my childhood, I thought he was the "good" guy and my mom the "bad" guy.  He attempted to brainwash me into believing that.  My mom corrected me when I would speak his lies as truth, without putting him down.  She continued to provide me with a great example of how a parent should behave.  She figured someone needed to be a good role model and if she sunk to his level in order to defend herself I would have NO good example.  In time, I grew up and saw him for what he was.  Today, as a parent myself, I am forever grateful for the woman my mom is!  I am so glad that at least one of the adults charged to care for me saw me as an innocent child and not a weapon.  It would have further confused and hurt me if she was bent on clearing her name and making herself look good.  Her actions spoke louder to me than all of his words.  Remember THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS WIN!!!  If your daughter can lay aside her need to be vindicated and just love her son more than herself, he WILL see the truth.  Our own self defense is a powerful thing, overtaking our good judgement at times.  It will take a consious effort on her part to be the bigger person, but it will be so worthwhile.  Her son needs to feel safe and cared for.  If all the adults in his world are behaving like children, he will not feel safe.  I will be praying for your daughter and her family.

[grannyofone]

Thank you both for your insight.  My daughter has sought counseling for Joe.  I know you are correct in not saying anything negative about his daddy, and she is not doing this. I will tell her if he asks or says something specific that she should tell him just as much as she needs and that she may not agree with what daddy said or did.  However, whatever the problem is, she needs to be sure he knows it isn't his fault, it is their problem not his.  Thanks