3 year old son

[Susan816]

We have a 3 year old boy...He is a good little kid except when we're with other kids.  Today, at the neighbor boy's birthday party, our son got in the jumping air castle with a rock and threw it at the birthday boy.  When asked why he did this, he said "because I wanted to" and "it was a good idea".
It seems that everytime we are with other children, our son is the one that causes the problems.  He tackles, hits, bites, and now, throws rocks.  We had a baby 4 weeks ago, and if this behavior hadn't happened through the summer, I'd say it's part of the adjustment to being a big brother, but I don't think that's it.  As punishment today, we left the party immediately and he was given a spanking and sent to time-out.  What else can we do?  I'm tired of having the trouble maker.  Please help!

[RockRose]

Susan,  ugh,  I feel your pain.  : (

It's awful when you're in a group and some kid come screaming up to the adults,  to find out your son is the one causing the disturbance.

Keep doing what you're doing.  I've lived in the same community and watched a LOT of boys grow up,  and boys with moms like you learn to change their behavior and turn out great.  Keep snatching up him,  taking him home and punishing him for hurting other kids.

Other kids,  whose mothers say stupid things like "oh,  were you tossing rocks and you hit Jeff?  Say you're sorry,  it was an accident you hurt your friend" or just frankly outright ignore the rock throwing incident are the ones who turn out miserably.

Keep doing what you're doing.  It will have a great affect and when your son is a 5th grader,  you'll be very very proud.

[Susan816]

Thank you for your feedback.  It was encouraging to read your note!

[DustyL]

We had a baby 4 weeks ago <------- This is where it's coming from.

As punishment today, we left the party immediately <----- GREAT!!! You reacted rationally and made your point.


and he was given a spanking and sent to time-out <----- too many punishments for the same crime. Ever heard of Natural Conquences?? In other words he hit his friend with a rock... the natural conquence was his friend doesn't want to play with him anymore so you left the party because he can't be nice.

If you speed and you get pulled over and get a ticket, your more apt to not speed again out of fear of getting another ticket, right? Well, how would feel if you again were speeding, get pulled over, get a ticket, get arrested, and sentenced to jail for 2 days... all for SPEEDING?!  That would be rediculas, and according to the constition labeled "cruel and unusual punishment". Not that spanking and timeout are cruel or unusual punishments because they are not, but used together with another punishment is a little excessive espically for a 3 year old. Don't forget, he's only 3. and even tho you JUST had the baby, you have been pregnant for a while and have been planing for the "big day" and he learned early on (when he was 2) that you are paying attention to this baby already.

Try getting the book SOS Help for Parents. It will explain different things to do for different things done wrong. It helped me a lot!!!! Just remember, 1 punishment at a time and be consistant with handing them out. example: if you whine you will do 3 minutes in time out. and EVERY TIME he whines (over nonsense) it's immediately to TIme Out. It's good to punish a 3 year old within 10-20 seconds of doing the bad behavior. That way they know precisely what there being punished for. A delayed punishment only results in mass confusion on your end and on your childs!!!

Good Luck

[DustyL]

BTW... get a timer for home for timeout (a kitchen times with a ticking and buzzing noise works well) and get a portable one to throw in your purse and make sure he knows that a timeout can happen ANYWHERE!!!! Show him the time timer and tell him it works the same way out as it does at home. If your at the park and he does a "tiemout worthy" act. Set him away from his friends or other kids and set the timer. Put it just out of his reach and walk away. He's going to learn, just be persistant!!!!!!

[ChinaGirl]

Two books which will change your life:  PET Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon, and Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, Ph.D.  Look them up on Amazon and buy them, today.  There is also a DVD version of the Alfie Kohn book which highlights the main points of the book in less detail.

Punishments and even rewards are detrimental to the relationship and, I know, feel like you're "doing something" but really only making the problem worse.  The problem here sounds like your boy needs to be exposed to, and modeled, and understand EMPATHY not rewards and punishments.

Get some tools to learn how to resolve conflicts verbally, nonviolently, and you will see and feel such a difference in your life, your relationship, your heart.  I know.