Aa
I'm only 23.. (VENT)
*This is long, and I apologize*
Addiction has been a part of my life for 6 years, with only about 1 month of sobriety. Up until this year drugs have been fun.. they have been my life, and I enjoyed my time getting high. The year 2007 though has brought many new insights before me, and I no longer can enjoy any part of life. My drug use/addiction has completely torn me apart. My every day revolves around a pill. I don't even know anybody who don't have pills or do pills. I spend most days crying.. but these are the days when I know I can't get anything. Like today. Then I look for help or support, because deep down I really want to move on, but another day will come before the week is up when I get some cash and I will forget all about wanting to get clean, until I get high.. then it will hit me again. As soon as I do a pill now, and my money is gone, I am miserable.
I am depressed. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't stand being sick and methadone is too expesive. Plus, who wants to get hooked on that stuff, too? I can honestly say that I'm doing a tad bit better. I went from eating lorcets and percocets to oxycontin.. then I went from oxycontin to IVing morphine.. then I went to rehab. I got out, but started IVing coke and morphine once again. After my son's dad went to jail (he spent a year, and gets out next week which is frightening, too), I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore.. and I tried to move on. I am to a point now where I don't want to be high anymore. I very rarely have track marks now, and I am back to only doing oxycontin and pain killers again. I don't want to spend every dollar I make (I wait tables usually 6 nights a week), on a pill that costs me $50 and is usually all I make in one night.
I spent two years in college during my milder stage of addiction.. it didn't seem to hinder my schoolwork. After my son was born I couldn't seem to get back in for 3 years. When I finally found a school that would accept me (and a VERY good school at that), I literally cried tears of joy. Now that I'm in class my grades are okay, but my absenses are adding up, because I just feel SOOO bad most days, or either I would rather go get something than go to class. It breaks my heart, because I want to do so good. I want to be all that I can for myself and my son, but most days it is so hard and I feel so hopeless. I hate feeling like this. I'd rather just quit and get it over with or atleast go back to the days when I could enjoy getting high and not care about anything else. Actually caring and thinking about my situation keeps me depressed all the time. I try to think of it as another stage in my recovery though. Atleast now I am taking responsibility for my actions, I guess.
As I sit here and type this all out I'm having to wipe tears from my eyes. It has been so long since I've been able to vent to anyone. I do have a new guy in my life now, and he supports me 100%, but most days he is as sick as I am, and we can't help talking about a pill. I've told him so many times that I'm quiting, that now he just blows it off when I say it, and I'm starting too, also. I'm glad I found a place where I could come and atleast just talk to people who know what I am going through. I used to love NA meetings, but now I'm embarrassed, and I'm not much of a people person in the first place, so I just don't think they're right for me at this point.
I feel like I have so much more to say, but I'm going to leave it at that for now. Maybe if I make a journal or something then it would help me get my thoughts straight. I might do that today. Thanks to whoever reads all the way through this. I'm hoping that someone out there knows what I'm going through.
Addiction has been a part of my life for 6 years, with only about 1 month of sobriety. Up until this year drugs have been fun.. they have been my life, and I enjoyed my time getting high. The year 2007 though has brought many new insights before me, and I no longer can enjoy any part of life. My drug use/addiction has completely torn me apart. My every day revolves around a pill. I don't even know anybody who don't have pills or do pills. I spend most days crying.. but these are the days when I know I can't get anything. Like today. Then I look for help or support, because deep down I really want to move on, but another day will come before the week is up when I get some cash and I will forget all about wanting to get clean, until I get high.. then it will hit me again. As soon as I do a pill now, and my money is gone, I am miserable.
I am depressed. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't stand being sick and methadone is too expesive. Plus, who wants to get hooked on that stuff, too? I can honestly say that I'm doing a tad bit better. I went from eating lorcets and percocets to oxycontin.. then I went from oxycontin to IVing morphine.. then I went to rehab. I got out, but started IVing coke and morphine once again. After my son's dad went to jail (he spent a year, and gets out next week which is frightening, too), I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore.. and I tried to move on. I am to a point now where I don't want to be high anymore. I very rarely have track marks now, and I am back to only doing oxycontin and pain killers again. I don't want to spend every dollar I make (I wait tables usually 6 nights a week), on a pill that costs me $50 and is usually all I make in one night.
I spent two years in college during my milder stage of addiction.. it didn't seem to hinder my schoolwork. After my son was born I couldn't seem to get back in for 3 years. When I finally found a school that would accept me (and a VERY good school at that), I literally cried tears of joy. Now that I'm in class my grades are okay, but my absenses are adding up, because I just feel SOOO bad most days, or either I would rather go get something than go to class. It breaks my heart, because I want to do so good. I want to be all that I can for myself and my son, but most days it is so hard and I feel so hopeless. I hate feeling like this. I'd rather just quit and get it over with or atleast go back to the days when I could enjoy getting high and not care about anything else. Actually caring and thinking about my situation keeps me depressed all the time. I try to think of it as another stage in my recovery though. Atleast now I am taking responsibility for my actions, I guess.
As I sit here and type this all out I'm having to wipe tears from my eyes. It has been so long since I've been able to vent to anyone. I do have a new guy in my life now, and he supports me 100%, but most days he is as sick as I am, and we can't help talking about a pill. I've told him so many times that I'm quiting, that now he just blows it off when I say it, and I'm starting too, also. I'm glad I found a place where I could come and atleast just talk to people who know what I am going through. I used to love NA meetings, but now I'm embarrassed, and I'm not much of a people person in the first place, so I just don't think they're right for me at this point.
I feel like I have so much more to say, but I'm going to leave it at that for now. Maybe if I make a journal or something then it would help me get my thoughts straight. I might do that today. Thanks to whoever reads all the way through this. I'm hoping that someone out there knows what I'm going through.
I have called the doctors in my area that prescribe suboxone. While I do have insurance with Humana, the dr office doesn't accept it for the visit which is $300 for the initial and $100 for every one after that. The initial one is the one I would have a problem with. I wait tables. I can't remember the last time I have had $300 in my hand at one time. :( If I had the money I would love to do this... or anything.
Great post! You always come through! She does not realize, at 23, that time flies, and she'll be 40. Hopefully, a clean, sober 40, but the statistics are not good.The time is now for her.
Josie, what you are going through right is (PAWS) post acute withdrawal syndrome) You have a child so you must have medicaid right?. You are shooting drugs iv it is just a matter of time before your doing Heroin. Detox hasn't worked for you and your spending most of your money on drugs, Street drugs which is a felony 5 should you get busted. Then what you will lose your child and may even go to prison! What you need to do to save your life because your post is one of the most dangerous I have read. Don't go with the Methadone as it is like dragging a ball and chain with you. You need to find out if medicaid will pay for the suboxone. What state are you from as this does matter. You will not believe how well the suboxone works. 1mg of sub is equal to 50mgs of morphine. I'm on 32mgs a day for the past 6 months. But without insurance most people cant afford it! The price for 8mg tablets #120 is $755.00 a month, But I see my Dr every 3 months as I get 2 refills. This drug can also be called in. Its in the same class as hydocodone C-III. To find a Dr near you go to www.suboxone.com or call them from 8-8pmEST @ 1-877-782-6966. But the web site will find you the closest Dr based on zip codes. I have no cravings to get high I just feel like my old self again.
So make a list of the things you need to do 1. call ins see if its covered if they say no ask them how to file an emergency appeal 2. go to the sub website and find a Dr that is closest to you. 3. make an appointment 4. GET rid of your drug buddy he is only bringing you down and someone is going to end up dead! 5. think about what you are going to tell do with your man getting out of prison. Do you have any Idea how much he is looking forward to seeing you and his son , unless I read your post wrong and its over between you two. Is he the father of your child. How old is your child?
Josie, You do have options in your life. But you have to make the changes in your life. Starting over again does not mean you can't do it. You have to want it! Josie to you want a normal life again, are you sick of waking up dope sick. Planning what kind of day your going to have based on if you can cop or not. Are you sick of having no energy and diarrhea, If the answer is yes then do what I have suggested to you. Otherwise try and enjoy the life you have chosen to live-----NOAH
So make a list of the things you need to do 1. call ins see if its covered if they say no ask them how to file an emergency appeal 2. go to the sub website and find a Dr that is closest to you. 3. make an appointment 4. GET rid of your drug buddy he is only bringing you down and someone is going to end up dead! 5. think about what you are going to tell do with your man getting out of prison. Do you have any Idea how much he is looking forward to seeing you and his son , unless I read your post wrong and its over between you two. Is he the father of your child. How old is your child?
Josie, You do have options in your life. But you have to make the changes in your life. Starting over again does not mean you can't do it. You have to want it! Josie to you want a normal life again, are you sick of waking up dope sick. Planning what kind of day your going to have based on if you can cop or not. Are you sick of having no energy and diarrhea, If the answer is yes then do what I have suggested to you. Otherwise try and enjoy the life you have chosen to live-----NOAH
I really do want to quit. I just feel so helpless.
Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm going to lay down for a bit, and I'll reply more later.
Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm going to lay down for a bit, and I'll reply more later.
I would not go with the methadone as it is a much stronger opiate and much more addictive. Its trading one addiciton for another, it may work for some, but its def not for everyone....try the Sub if you really want to quit. It just doens't sound like you are there.
Good Luck...
Lisa
Good Luck...
Lisa
I honestly think you should consider an anti depressent just to get you thru this rough time and if you can just quit cold like i did on a high dosage you would be fine after a week or 2 max i went on Lexapro for a short period where i felt like you did right now totally helpless but that went aways after not even a month on lexapro
just something to consider oh yea you both need to quit not just one cuz temptation sux
and another thing think about your son! he wants his mom back im sure
Josh
just something to consider oh yea you both need to quit not just one cuz temptation sux
and another thing think about your son! he wants his mom back im sure
Josh
Your story sounds like mine. Please consider suboxone or even methadone for now, here's why: You are at a fork in the road, you are still in school and this MUST be the most important thing right now. You are young and this is your opportunity to "choose your future". 2 choices- a college degree or a life of jumping around from job to job waitressing for min. wage. Methadone has helped 2 of my friends get through graduate school. Now, 1 of them is able to take off work for 3 weeks to decrease her dose and then in 2 months she'll take off another 3 weeks and so on... until she is free of opiates. It may take her a year to do this but the bottom line is, she planned all this 5 years ago when shooting oxy's-go to a clinic, go to school, get a career and make it stable, begin process to get off methadone. Now, she may fail, but on her wall is her grad degree and NO ONE can take away your education. She has no money worries, so she can concentrate on getting clean. Please consider this option, I've heard too many addicts say they had the opportunity but used addiction as an excuse! There is no reason for ANYONE these days not to have a degree. At 37, you don't want to wake up looking for your Red Lobster name tag, you want to wake up looking forward to Disney World with the kids. Please consider, your time is now!
Welcome to the forum.
There are many people here who are educated in drug use/sobriety. It is so hard and its an everyday battle. But you have to want to rid yourself. You are young sweetie. And I dont mean to be condisending, I just want you to realize that you have your whole life ahead of you. And you have the power to take control of it. Take if from someone who lost so much from drugs. I too, was in a relationship with someone who was also a user. We both started together, taking percocets here and there. That turned into every day. We were both up to about 30-40 percocets a day before we switched to Oxy's. We were engaged to be married and were married in OCt of 05, at this point we were both eating about 7-12 80's a day. I lost him to an overdose 8 months later. From the time of his death to the present, I have spent every single $ I had on Oxy's. I recieved death benefits from my late husband totaling almost 90,000. I spent every last dollar. I took my addiction to a soaring 12-20 80's a day, A DAY. My doctor told me I should have o'd myself. I went through w.d at least twice-three times a month when my dealer was out. I sold my Benz to get more $ for pills, spent my daughters savings. And now I dont have a pot to **** in. I can barely pay my bills. It turned me into a miserable, mean, non-social, degenerate. I am now 30 days clean, and it is so hard, everyday to live with what I did, who I became and most of all...the loss of my husband. Whom I can never get back. I understand that your addiction isn't as high as mine was, but it will only get worse if you continue. You can have to take your addiction into your own hands and stop it before it takes control of you completely. Because before you know it, everything about your entire existance will be changed. You have so much going for you, you have a beautiful child I am sure who needs his mommy. I lost both of my parents to drugs. It took me a long time to understand that they too were powerless over thier addictions. I never thought I would let it happen to me, I never thought I would become an addict. But I did, and I did things I would never think myself capable of. I have a little girl who has suffered because of my own selfish needs. And I can never take that pain back from her, but I am going to make sure it never happens again. You can't go through your life wanting to be able to to drugs and say "I'd rather just quit and get it over with or atleast go back to the days when I could enjoy getting high and not care about anything else"....
You will never be happy until you can wake up everyday, and love your life, and the person that you are, without durgs....sober and clean, proud and happy.....it can be done......
This is a start.....
Lisa
There are many people here who are educated in drug use/sobriety. It is so hard and its an everyday battle. But you have to want to rid yourself. You are young sweetie. And I dont mean to be condisending, I just want you to realize that you have your whole life ahead of you. And you have the power to take control of it. Take if from someone who lost so much from drugs. I too, was in a relationship with someone who was also a user. We both started together, taking percocets here and there. That turned into every day. We were both up to about 30-40 percocets a day before we switched to Oxy's. We were engaged to be married and were married in OCt of 05, at this point we were both eating about 7-12 80's a day. I lost him to an overdose 8 months later. From the time of his death to the present, I have spent every single $ I had on Oxy's. I recieved death benefits from my late husband totaling almost 90,000. I spent every last dollar. I took my addiction to a soaring 12-20 80's a day, A DAY. My doctor told me I should have o'd myself. I went through w.d at least twice-three times a month when my dealer was out. I sold my Benz to get more $ for pills, spent my daughters savings. And now I dont have a pot to **** in. I can barely pay my bills. It turned me into a miserable, mean, non-social, degenerate. I am now 30 days clean, and it is so hard, everyday to live with what I did, who I became and most of all...the loss of my husband. Whom I can never get back. I understand that your addiction isn't as high as mine was, but it will only get worse if you continue. You can have to take your addiction into your own hands and stop it before it takes control of you completely. Because before you know it, everything about your entire existance will be changed. You have so much going for you, you have a beautiful child I am sure who needs his mommy. I lost both of my parents to drugs. It took me a long time to understand that they too were powerless over thier addictions. I never thought I would let it happen to me, I never thought I would become an addict. But I did, and I did things I would never think myself capable of. I have a little girl who has suffered because of my own selfish needs. And I can never take that pain back from her, but I am going to make sure it never happens again. You can't go through your life wanting to be able to to drugs and say "I'd rather just quit and get it over with or atleast go back to the days when I could enjoy getting high and not care about anything else"....
You will never be happy until you can wake up everyday, and love your life, and the person that you are, without durgs....sober and clean, proud and happy.....it can be done......
This is a start.....
Lisa
I'm not on a very high dosage right now. I went from about 40mg last week to about 20 this week. I haven't been able to get oxycontin really this week though, so I've been eating lortabs and percocets to keep me from feeling so bad. We've been dry of ocs here for about a week now, and over the weekend I did about 60mg of Roxycodone IRs a day. Yesterday I just did 2 percocet 10s and a lortab 7.5. My dosage varies, really. Anything above 40mg a day and I'm usually okay. Today is the first day when I've not had anything at all to keep me feeling okay. I've took some exedrin and alka-selzer, but really it's the depression that gets to me more than anything.
I don't know what I should do. I feel like I've tried to quit so many times, and it just feels like drugs have become a way of life for me. I just want to stop though.
I don't know what I should do. I feel like I've tried to quit so many times, and it just feels like drugs have become a way of life for me. I just want to stop though.
Hi and Welcome to the forum!
You are in the right place and I am glad you shared your story with us.
So, you are still taking the pain meds? How much are you up to right now? If you can give some information about what you want to do, someone here can guide you and help you with a plan.
Hope to see you post again.
You are in the right place and I am glad you shared your story with us.
So, you are still taking the pain meds? How much are you up to right now? If you can give some information about what you want to do, someone here can guide you and help you with a plan.
Hope to see you post again.
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