living in fear

[fannie71]

i need to say a little more about the fear. it was 10 years ago and i went out side at a public places to sit in my car and use the phone and a man followed me out and was masterbating and watching while i was in the car. so, when i get out he attacks me. i have scares on my neck where he tried to kill me and get me in his truck. well, i got away and so did he. well, come to find out in the last few years he has killed 5 women that he has been convicted of. i have children know and i do not let them go no where and i stay in the house unless i have another person with me and then i am still crazy

[April2]

You poor thing! Of course you're scared. Who could blame you after all you've been through? Do you know if he was convicted? Is he in prison? That would help if you at least know that he's behind bars and can't hurt you or anybody else again.
This is something that's going to take time for you to get through. I strongly suggest you get yourself into counseling, you and your family. They are affected as well. You don't really want to pass on this fear to your children (although certainly understandable), or you will teach your children to be fearful as well. Yes, we have a lot of evil in this world and terrible things happen, but we also have a lot of good and loving people in this world too. Teach your children to be cautious and watchful but you don't want them to be afraid as well. You know how awful that feels.
I have a feeling you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This will take time to process and get through. It's very difficult to try and do on your own. Please take my suggestion and get some counseling for you and your family. My heart goes out to you. I wish you well. I pray you will find some peace again. God bless you, fannie. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

[RockRose]

fannie,  your story struck a cord with me.  I have a friend who was chased by Kenneth McDuff - she didn't go through what you went through because he didn't catch her,  and he's now thankfully been executed,  but it haunts her a little.   It's a haunting thing,  to have an evil monster try to kill you and not succeed,  but you know what he wanted to do and you could have been one of his numbers.  It's interesting,  too,  that you tell the story in the present - "when I get out he attacks me".    It's not in the past for you,  it's still happening to you.

Your post makes me wonder, though - are you telling this story sort of to describe yourself,  or are you asking for a way to change to make your life more whole?  Like for example,  a legless person in a wheelchair might say I lost my legs in a car accident and that's why I'm in this wheelchair.  Are you describing yourself like that,  with no expectation of change?    I was attacked a decade ago and that's why I don't leave my house.   I sort of get that feeling from your post, that you haven't reached a point where you are seeking change,  rather,  you are seeking to describe why you are the way you are.

I hope you do want to try to overcome.  What you went through was a true horror.  I hope you take April's advise and check out Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or other therapies that might heal you.

Best wishes.  It's because of your strength that you got away,  not luck.  It was because you did it.  

[RockRose]

Fannie - I just read your other post down the board.  Good for you for seeking help!!

Call the Rape Crisis center in your area today and they will know just where to lead you.

[fannie71]

Thank you guys for taking the time to write. I have been to couseling and i do suffer form post traumatic stress disorder. But, i still live in fear and i do not see where anyone can help me. The guy in in prison and is serving 3 life sentences that helps but i feel if i let my guard down it will happen again. I know that is crazy. I do want more than any thing is to get back to the way i use to be. I have lost friends because of this mess. It is nice to talk about it. My husband does not talk about it and neither does my mom. They say it hurt to think about what happened. So, it is just me and my counseler.

[RockRose]

Ultimately,  fannie,  you're not in control of what happens to you.  You can take specific measures to make yourself a little safer,  that's true,  but ultimately fate is fate.

You had an experience where you totally lacked control,  and you took your control back and saved yourself.  

And now you've decided that,  as God is my witness,  I'll never be not in control again.

It doesn't work that way.  While you're holed up in your house,  who knows - maybe you have a cancer beginning to grow,  maybe there's a hideous mold in your house,  maybe tonight your house will catch fire.  You just don't know,  it isn't in your control no matter how much you're trying to make it in your control.  It isn't.

There is no therapy that will make you feel safe,  so you can begin leaving your house again without fear.  It works exactly the opposite - you have to walk through that wall of fear over and over and over before you start to feel safer and better and more whole.  You won't feel whole first - the wholeness will begin to come AFTER you've begun living normally.

This man took away your control for - what - 15 minutes.  Then you got your control back by fighting and running,  you controlled your fate and secured your safety.

But for nothing.  You've given him 10 years of your life and he didn't deserve 15 minutes of it.  

This is not going to be easy,  it's going to be hard.  But worth it.

God bless you.  I hope you keep writing.

[fannie71]

After all of these years of going to pay a person to talk with me, none of them have but it the way you just did. You nailed it i lost control. it is a hard thing to go through. I have bad dreams hate to be alone and never come in my house after dark with out my husband. I will go to my brothers house. I have been gambling for 7 yrs. and i go to that place because the gaurd  will walk me in and out. And he carries a gun. When i am in there i feel nothing. I am not scared i do not hear noises that scares me. So i have spent a lot of money in this place and my husband is not very happy with me. I am scared to get a job because i feel that the people will know where i live. So, i have not worked in years. It is one problem after another. I do not want to lose my husband and i do want to stop gambling and i do want to be normal (what ever that may be). I am glad that i found this forum, i so need to talk with some one.

thanks

[RockRose]

Um hm.  To prevent this,  I do this.  To prevent this,  I do this.  Before you know it,  all your day is filled up with kind of useless attempts to prevent yourself being controlled again.  

Sounds like you need a better therapist,  who can help you untangle the web of changes you've made in your life (that are all destructive - the holing up in your house,  the gambling,  the inability to get a job,  etc.) to help make yourself feel secure.  And the sad thing is they haven't worked in the long run.

There's a lot to you,  fannie.  If you weren't so smart,  you wouldn't be trying all these solutions to help yourself!  That's a catch-22,  isn't it?

Best wishes.