My husband & depression

[EmandGGsmom]

My husband suffers from Manic Depression but refuses to take any meds for it. He says exercise and staying busy keep his mind off of it. Meanwhile... he is constantly talking about his past relationships, previous failed marriages, lack of relationship with his children... failed jobs... etc. It gets to where there are times I feel like I am losing my mind. I am always trying to build him up and point out all of his good qualities etc. Meanwhile, I am not allowed to get depressed or sad for even a day because that brings him down. This seems so unfair. I'm afraid if I say something I'll sound like an uncaring and insensitive wife but on the other hand... I have been dealing with this for months and I am just at a loss as to what to do to help him and I feel bad at times because I feel like I can't take anymore! Any suggestions on how to help him deal with this? Please don't say talk to a therapist.. been there...done that...

[creston1966]

Hi,

I am sorry you are dealing with this situation.  I'm in a similar situation, except, I'm the husband who is depressed.  I know my wife feels much like you describe.  And I feel bad about that.  My depression is nothing of her doing though.  It is not her (our your) responsibility for my (or your husband's) happiness.  You are right, it is uncaring and insensitive to some level.....except it is we, the depressed husbands who are being uncaring.   This is something your husband really needs to acknowledge.  It is so hard for anyone, but harder for some, particular men, to acknowledge their depression.  And those most impacted are wife and children.  

I do not have any magic answers for you.  I would encourage you to try and sit down with your husband and discuss how you are feeling.  And try to do this without anger or accusation, but out of love and concern for you both.  If he is happier and you are happier, then stands to reason you will both be happier.  Sometimes we get in a rut and do not know how to get out.  As well, if you feel down, then feel down.  On those rare occasions my is down (or at least shows it) it usually has nothing due to me (although my selfish side thinks it is).  She has every right to have her down times too---and so do you.  If you have children, you are probably dealing with different and maybe more stress than your husband.  But it's never a contest who has more crosses to carry, but how we are able to deal with things on a personal level and still have something to give to those we love.

I feel your frustration.  I know firsthand how this can impact a relationship....just from the other side.  I cant make any excuses for your husband.  Whatever things are contributing to his depression, for him, are real.  But as your husband, partner....and if a father, he does have an obligation to try.  

I've been to a therapist and have been on various antidepressants.  At times, at least for me, and I'm guessing for a lot of men, this has a counterproductive impact.  We often feel weak and down by asking for help.  But I would encourage him to continue to pursue some form of help--clergy, marriage counsellor, maybe just a good friend to share with.  

I wish you happiness and success.  


Creston

[needsreaders]

I'm not quite sure I understand your last comment about the therapist.  Was it him or you that went?  Because I was going to say that you are certainly spending a lot of energy on him that you could be spending on yourself and your children.  He's a full-grown man who is not acknowledging that he has a problem that is impacting his family. And he is failing to address that problem in a mature way.  I would leave him over there holding that hot potato.  That is called detaching with love.  In the meantime, lilve your life.  Laugh, cut up with the kids, do whatever y'all like to do, and then occasionally if you have a rotten day, so be it.  It's really  none of his business if you have a certain look on your face.  Is this guy a control freak or what?  And if I were you, I would get a great therapist and go to see her once a week and work on you, not him.  Because working on him is his job, not yours. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.  

By the way, I am also bipolar and I would never dream of not taking my meds.  That's  my responsibility  so I can be a functioning, productive member of society.  And besides, I like it when I have friends ;o)  Your husband needs to take care of his business.

[EmandGGsmom]

Creston, I want to thank you for responding and being so polite and honest about your situation. I guess the problem is that my husband does acknowledge his depression and is very apologetic to me. There are times that he is above the perfect husband but then other times he is depressed and down about everything. Is there an online support group or anything like that, that you know of? Sometimes, I do think he just needs someone to talk to. We both attended counseling for about a year, and after spending about 2k on therapy and moving much further away, we stopped going.
We've also recently become very involved in church and I hope and pray this helps.

[EmandGGsmom]

Hi, We both went to counseling seperate and together at times. I am a stay at home mother so my children get plenty of my time and energy. If anything, it's myself that I end up neglecting at the end of the day. My husband does acknowledge his problem and told me very early on, I guess I just had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now, almost two years later, married with kids.. I love him and am not ever going to leave him regardless of his faults because we all have them. I think it is worth it, as my husband, to spend energy trying to help him because a strong marriage between us, is important for our children as well. I also do think it is his buisness if I have a "rotten look on my face" he is my husband. My marriage is very important to me. I am not looking to leave my husband out there on his own. I am trying to find a better way to help him. After all, if a man can not depend on his wife, who can he depend on? The Bible says... the two shall become one. So.. if he hurts, I hurt. We are in this together. Thanks for the advice though.

[creston1966]

I so understand and feel your frustration.  Let me say I admire your stance.  It seems all to easy these days to cut and run rather than sticking around and working on things.  I am a product of a vert messy divorce when I was very young and know all to well the impact on the children.  That said, it is frustrating to want to help and not know what to do and say.  Especially when you are busy with the daily living.....and parenting.  Being home raising the kids is probably as hard a job as there is.  For quite a few years (my kids are teenagers in High School now) my wife chose to stay home and put a career on hold to raise our kids.  What a tough job.  And at the same time she put up with my moods and depression.  If I only knew then what I know now.  I was blind to how hard things were for her.  My depression had (has) little to do with her, but for sure affected her greatly.  
It is really important though that you take care of you.  To be firm, as hard as that may be for some (I know it is for me anyway) with what you need from your partner.  I strongly disagree when I hear people say "marriage is a 50/50 deal".  It is not.  It is 100 percent/100 percent.  Although it probably seems like you are giving more when your husband is in the worse depressed times.

I wish I had answers for you.  If anything, your words are helping me understand my impact on my wife.  I am finding reading books on depression and coming to terms with my moods is helping a little.   Finding the right medications and therapy seems to be a trick for a lot of folks.  Its so hit or miss.  I have found a pretty interesting web site (real mental health.com) in which folks post journals and, generally support each other.  But I guess it depends on your husband--where he is at and what he is open to.  I can tell you want things to work so much.  Your husband maybe does not realize (as I often do not) how incredibly lucky he is to have a loving partner.   I wish I could impart some spiritual wisdom, but being far from perfect, and having my own battles with my spirituality (which I'm sure has an impact on my depression), I would probably be a hypocrit.  I can say, it is important to be look beyond ourselves and have that foundation.  But I have found, for me, that even the most "religious" of folks are sometimes those who are first to kick us to the curb.  I hope and pray you have a good support group.  You need someone to openly share with.....without judgement.   I am reading two books right now which are eye opening.  One is "Wild at Heart" by John Elderidge (Spelling?) and the other called "The Noonday Demon:  An Atlas of Depression" by Andrew Solomon.  Again, I do not know what your husband would be open to.  I do hope he is open to giving his best shot---for you.

Please know there are those who understand and have some of the same frustrations.  In the end, you have to do what is best for you.  I do know we cannot always trust our feelings--otherwise no one would stay together.  Our feelings come and go.  Love stays.  I suppose the answer is for how long and at what cost.  


Creston