Oppositional problem or just a stage?

[amdgjoseph]

New mom here. The changes in the behavior of my 2.5 year extremely bright and normally happy child have me worried. He's a fairly easy going child and has always been really close to us. Never showed signs of being disconnected until now (although I worried when he never had seperation anxiety). What began as age-appropriate independence has turned into disagreeable opposition. He opposes nearly everything we say in some way. Sometimes it's in total opposition like "let's put your jacket on because we're going outside"-"no, I'm playing with my truck inside". Or partially, like "time to pick up your toy and put it in the basket"-"no, it's not a toy, it's a ball". Or sometimes we make a word mistake "try a spoonful of the applesauce" (oops he's using a fork) "no, it's a fork". When it first began we realized we were beginning to engage in power struggles by repeating or explaining, so we switched to just saying "what did Mommy/Daddy say?" which isn't helping at all. We've tried to change our approach to offering questions instead of demands but he still finds an opposing point. It hardly seems like it warrants a time out because many times he is right or at least voicing how he sees it.The problem is that it has become disrespectful and I'm afraid he doesn't trust our decisions. How do we punish the disrespect without confusing him? I don't know how to handle it so that he trusts we are in charge while maintaining his own autonomy and be able to distinguish the truth of the matter. This doesn't seem like just a trivial "no" stage.He went through that early and it really didn't last. I'm seeing this get worse everyday and it's almost constant-it has changed the way our relationship is and he just isn't his happy self. Almost seems slightly on the defensive; he seems like life has become complex.I don't know if it's just a stage or how I can help him get through this. I'll add: from what I have researched/compared he's gifted in language skills. Help? Thanks!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

While your son's behavior is certainly more contrary than the normal spectrum oppositional behavior, it does not indicate emotional disturbance. It will be important to adopt a clear, straightforward behavior management approach. It sounds like you are trying to finesse the matter too much and expect too much of your son in terms of cognitive complexity. If you are a regular reader of this Forum, you already know where I'm going to direct you. Take a look at Lynn Clark's book SOS Help for Parents. It will give you the clarity and practicality that you need. You're on the right track, but you are expecting too much for such a young child to understand.

[amdgjoseph]

I want to add after reading what sounds like a similar post with the 5 year old grandchild that this is different because what I'm worried about is the rude behavior/tone/gestures...not the fact that he isn't in agreement with us.  I want to know how to help him define/seperate the difference between stating/asking his opinion and being rude/mean in the way he goes about it.  From the beginning we have reminded him just to be nice about it like if he says something like "No, Mommy, don't sit on that chair because I was sitting there. You sit on the couch" (which is typical) and I will ask him if he can ask a question nicely instead and he does and we go from there. But this has been going on for a while everyday and he never remembers to ask nicely the first time.  And also I'm wondering since this has only begun recently and seemed to begin quickly if it's part of a pattern or warning of bad behavior to come....

[amdgjoseph]

Thank you - I will take a look at that book too.  I guess we do expect him to comprehend more than he is capable of; it's easy to do that though when he seems so advanced in his skills.  I agree it does need to be a straightforward and consistant approach.  I am just afraid that he will think we are punishing him for having any thoughts of his own and fail to see that it's the behavior we are punishing.