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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
hard penetration bad?
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
hard penetration bad?
by jill75, Oct 29, 2007 09:31AM
my husband and i are very active and have sex at least four times at night after we come home from work, before bedtime. He penetrates me very hard, is this bad for the inside of my vagina? Pls help!! He listens to me when i tell him not so hard then other times he says im lying to him and laughs at me, pls let me know so i can show this fool!!
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Nov 29, 2007 10:03AM
, Nov 29, 2007 10:03AM
To: jill75
As you can tell from the thread, everyone agrees that hard thrusting can hurt. What bothers me more is that you say you have pain and you have a partner who not only doesn't immediately respond, but tells you you are lying. This is abusive behavior, and honestly, I find it scary. The amount of sex you are having is unusual--and could also be termed abusive--especially if you find it overwhelming and unpleasant after awhile, Of course any amount of sex is great if both partners crave it ( or don't need it) in equal proportion. But I am guessing this is not as hot for you as for him-- so it may be another incidence of his total disregard for what is happening between you as opposed to what he is doing to you for his own needs.
I think you need to take a good look at the over all relationship and see if you feel loved, taken care of, listened to, protected. If you don't-and I am guessing you do not, then go see a counselor and get some support for thinking about the overall relationship. If you can , talk to your partner and see if he is willing to rethink the way he treats you- at least in bed, but hopefully overall. If you are in a marriage, it is supposed to be intimate, respectful, loving and mutual. If you are not getting this , you need to get his attention by telling him what you need and what you deserve. Don't be a doormat- or just a convenient place for him to have an orgasm. You deserve a real relationship and concern for your welfare. Don't settle for less.
Pepper Schwartz, Ph,D.
I think you need to take a good look at the over all relationship and see if you feel loved, taken care of, listened to, protected. If you don't-and I am guessing you do not, then go see a counselor and get some support for thinking about the overall relationship. If you can , talk to your partner and see if he is willing to rethink the way he treats you- at least in bed, but hopefully overall. If you are in a marriage, it is supposed to be intimate, respectful, loving and mutual. If you are not getting this , you need to get his attention by telling him what you need and what you deserve. Don't be a doormat- or just a convenient place for him to have an orgasm. You deserve a real relationship and concern for your welfare. Don't settle for less.
Pepper Schwartz, Ph,D.
If you're not aroused it can be bad (things can get bumped painfully if the vagina is not relaxed and ready to receive). As a sexually active woman, I can't have hard penetration until I am definitely aroused. Sometimes women are aroused and don't even realize it until they start being intimate - then the man might notice "you've been aroused for a while, why haven't you been acting like it?" I think men don't understand that about women, and this leads them to mistaken thinking about what turns a woman on (the whole "her lips said no but her body said yes" idea). I hope that's not the case with your husband.
If it is uncomfortable then tell him to stop and he MUST do so.
If he carries on regardless and doing it for his own satisfaction then this is very wrong.
He must respect your wishes.
I can see exactly where your problems are coming from...(I think)
I'd like to speak directly to your husband if you don't mind.
There is a saying
Men are from Mars.. women are from Venus. This is sooo true.
Men don't think as we do, they have no understanding of how we feel inside, their bodies are so different... how could they??
Ok here goes................
To Jills husband..............................
Ok let me try to explain something here.
I can clearly see that your wife is giving you mixed signals.
(ie Sometimes shes fine about the hard penetration and sometimes she's not)
(sometimes she seems to enjoy it...... sometimes she doesn't)
So you think.................
ok she must really enjoy it ALL the time........
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a woman is aroused and the penis enters at the right angle you can go at it as hard as you like or as she likes with no problem.
Other times, if you go in slightly different your penis can feel very uncomfortable inside or hit a spot it doesn't usually... and it can be bloody painful for the woman.
Get it?
You must believe what Jill is telling you, and if it hurts her either stop, or take it out again and change your position.
Sorry mate, but at the end of the day, if Jill says stop it hurts, she is telling the truth and you must respect her wishes on that occaion.
You have no right to not believe her and just carry on.
Ok, sorry if I have been too blunt, but I mean well.
You are getting mixed signals from Jill that you clearly don't understand.
You are one hell of a lucky bloke, in the fact that you have such a responsive wife, respect her feelings and wishes......... please.
She's not telling lies.... sometimes penetration at the wong angle can hurt.
Kindest regards to you both
Layne