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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Desperate for help
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Desperate for help
by shae301, Nov 07, 2007 03:23PM
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have a child together. But as the relationship progressed we began to discuss our past. My boyfriend has done things that I think are sick. But everytime I find out something new, I go crazy. I have thoughts of suicide, and thoughts of killing every girl hes been with. I slap him, or punch him. We fight for days. Most recently I discovered that he had a threesome and I just cant take it. I feel like just ending it all. I cant break up with him, cuz I love him, but I dont know how many more things I can make it through. I seriously dont know whats wrong with me. I understand that everyone gets jealous, but I think I have a mental illness. Can someone PLEASE help me.
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Dec 26, 2007 02:36PM
, Dec 26, 2007 02:36PM
To: desperate for help
You are addicted to the relationship and you need to get help to leave it. Sometimes two people bring out the worst in each other- he is being a sadist - telling you stories that he knows will make you insanely jealous and disgusted- and you are being a masochist-- someone who takes pleasure from their own pain. You stay, getting angrier, more desperate and more needy of his attention-even as he shows you disrespect and meanness. He must be very seductive in some ways to keep you so attached.
But you are in a sick period now. It is violent, demeaning and it won't get better. Suicide is a ridiculous thing to think about when if you get some help you can go on to a better life with someone who is worth loving.
Move out of state. Get away from him anyway you can. Seriously. Get help- but get out first and keep moving. It will be hell for a while, but thats what happens when you detox. If you don't leave it will get worse and worse and endanger everything you could possibly have. If you don't have the strength- get a girlfriend to help you move , get a ticket and get out. Save your life- and if it isnt for you- save it for the people who love you- your family, close friends- no one wants to watch you do this to yourself.
But you are in a sick period now. It is violent, demeaning and it won't get better. Suicide is a ridiculous thing to think about when if you get some help you can go on to a better life with someone who is worth loving.
Move out of state. Get away from him anyway you can. Seriously. Get help- but get out first and keep moving. It will be hell for a while, but thats what happens when you detox. If you don't leave it will get worse and worse and endanger everything you could possibly have. If you don't have the strength- get a girlfriend to help you move , get a ticket and get out. Save your life- and if it isnt for you- save it for the people who love you- your family, close friends- no one wants to watch you do this to yourself.
Member Comments (4)
by SkipNBeat, Nov 07, 2007 07:05PM
To: shae301
For your own wellbeing you must stop torturing yourself. You're obviously very angry and taking it out on him, but more importantly, your taking it out on you. You sound pretty young, it seems like you need someone to talk to about your problems. Find a therapist, consider medication. Calm down. Walk out when he gets crazy. Try to remember that what's in the past is over with. I've done alot of things that would sound sick if I told my spouse. Why does he keep telling you these things? Are you asking for more fuel to the fire? Do not get physically violent. It never helps. Walk out before hitting him. Why do you care about what he did before you. He's a different person now. A threesome is not so bad. Many people experiement. Do you do drugs or drink? They don't help things.
by shae301, Nov 07, 2007 07:58PM
To: skipnbeat
He tells me things because I force him to. I probe and probe until I get something and then I cant leave it alone. I care about what he did before me, because it shows what kind of person I'm with and what his morals are. And yes, I do think a threesome is bad, because I think it shows that people have NO self respect. No I dont drink or do drugs. I'm getting enraged just typing this response. I get pictures in my mind and I CANNOT block them out. I dont want to feel like this anymore, but I dont know whats wrong with me.
by SkipNBeat, Nov 07, 2007 09:46PM
To: shae301
You seem like you are looking for evidence that he's the rotten person you are convinced he is ahead of time. What you are doing is very destructive to a relationship - which must be built on trust above all. Without it there is no relationship. If one person is always forcing the other to tell her things to prove he is bad - well, it sounds like you are hell bent on getting back at him, or someone in your life, anyway. Were you abused in the past? Are you trying to show how these things are always happening to you? Prove that men are all bad? You may be unconsciously recreating a past conflict. If it were me I'd try talking to a pro. You could have an anxiety disorder or ocd as well. Give the both of you a break. Have some fun together. Lighten up. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Go out on a date. Forgive.
