My... ?? ... Life? IS IT WORTH IT?

[apeddle]

I have been diagnosed with several psychological disorders. I've been diagnosed with major depression with suicidal ideation and suicidal attempts, personality disorder with boarderline and passive aggressive traits, cutting and burning, Somatoform disorder (conversion disorder) causing psychogenic non epileptic seizures, bulimia, complicated grief, PTSD and other physical problems like obesity, polycystic ovarian syndrome and really bad headaches with rushing sounds in my head and ears with pain that goes from just below my ear to high above my ear including my jaw (almost like my veins and muscles are squeezing) and tachycardia over 70% of the time with palpitations (I’ve had this most of my life, even when I was a very thin person (seems to run in our family).

On top of this my doctors consider me a very high functioning person with a high IQ (what does that have to do with it?) and so my doctors expect me to be able to get myself out of this mess of a life I have. "All I have to do is think positive and everything will be alright".

A little history on me... I was abused from the time i was 6 till 11 by a family friend. I was gang raped by my friend’s brother and his three friends when I was 13 years old. When I was 16 I went into a relations ship with a man 12 years older then me who abused me physically, sexually and emotionally for 7 years till I moved away across the country. When I moved I met another man who was just like my ex who treated me the same way, but he was heavily into drugs. I became pregnant by him and had a son at 32 weeks, who was diagnosed with HLHS (hypoplastic left heart syndrome). My boyfriend, the baby's father made me give my son up for adoption. It was an open adoption and the family and i kept in very close contact so I could know how he was doing. After my son's third heart surgery at 6 months old, he needed a heart transplant. He received a heart 1 month later, and did well after that till he was 10 months old. His heart went into acute cellular rejection, acute vascular rejection and developed PTLD, and after his first round of Chemo, he went into total organ failure and passed away when he was 10 months old. The guilt that I feel because of that is eating me alive.

This all came to a head 2 years ago when I started having seizures at work around the time of Hayden's 1 angel anniversary and first birthday, and I ended up having to leave work. 6 months later i ended up in the hospital on the psychiatric ward. I stayed there for 7 months and went through intensive therapy, all of which didn't work. I finally told them to let me go home. I was home for 6 months and ended up in there again this past July right up to September, when I self discharged because of the lack of understanding of conversion disorder and the seizures and the way i was treated. I haven't been back there in 2 months. I have a counselor on the outside who I can’t really get use to. I had a psychologist while I was in the hospital that I absolutely loved and got along with really well, who really understood me, but he is an inpatient psychologist only.

So now that im out, I see a counselor what is suppose to be once a week, but usually ends up every couple of weeks. I have a psychiatrist who I see once every 1 1/2 - 2 months, who I don't trust at all. And my family doctor, who is the most wonderful doctor i have ever met, who has done everything to help me. Visit me every morning when I was in the hospital. Stand up for me when the nurses were questioning me about the seizures. I also had a dietitian who I seen about my weight and my bulimia (binging, purging and restricting) who gave up on me (thankfully) and a neurologist who I no longer see.

That brings me to now. Last week was the 3 year anniversary of my son's death. I suffered through days of seizures, not eating, abusing aldactone again... cutting and burning again, binging and purging... I told the doctor how i have been feeling and no one really got how bad I’ve been feeling. So I was suppose go to a counselor appointment last Thursday, and cancelled it, because if i could make it through that, I realized i don't need them. I'm supposed to see my psychiatrist on Thursday, but I won’t be going to see him anymore, he can’t help me. I’m suppose to make an appointment to see my family doc a month from the last time i seen him last week, but I wont be doing that, and since he is a very busy doctor, he wont remember or realize he hasn't seen me in a long time. I've decided to take myself off all my meds. I am currently on (per day) 2 mg Clonazepam, 70 mg of Celexa, 200 mg of Trazodone, 400 mg of Wellbutrin. My family doctor has me on 300 mg of Ranitidine, 40 mg of Domperidone and 50 mg of Aldactone (I take 150 - 200 mg because its a good diuretic). Non prescribed things i take are 2 Exlax every night, Gaviscon, Calcium - O with Vitamin D and Omega 3.

I have given up. Like i said I’m starting to take myself off these meds (cutting back 1/2 a pill on the Wellbutrin, Clonazepam, Wellbutrin and Celexa every few days so I’ll be off them in a week or two). **DOES ANYONE KNOW A GOOD SUBSTITUTION FOR ALDACTONE WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION?** I'm not going to anymore doctors. Christmas is coming up which is a very hard time of year for me, thinking of what could have been with my son, looking through the 200 + photos I have of him... the man who abused me when I was a 6 - 11 is still friends with my parents (my family doesn't know about the abuse or my son, or anything really in my life.) We had child services in our house a lot when we were kids. But I still spend time with my family during Christmas and i know I will see my father’s friend some point and it sends me into a deep depression with seizures and all. Then it's my son's 4th birthday on January 13th... and again, I can't help but think of what he would be now. I see him. I hear him.

I just don't want to do any of this anymore. I spend my day’s im my room, working on the computer (I own a photography enhancement site that is making absolutely no money). I dream about the things I use to enjoy in my life. I graduated with a fine arts degree in Photography and Pottery and minors in art history and music history. Music and pottery are my passion, but i have no interest in music anymore. It annoys me. I would give anything to get my hands on a piece of clay and a wheel to throw some pottery, but i can't even afford to buy a new pillow for my bed. I am a writer, and my doctors have suggested I write a book on my life and include all my poetry, but I don't have the concentration anymore to do anything like that.

So I guess my question is... isn't there time, after you have done everything you possible could, the doctors have done everything they could possible do for me, things just keep getting worse. My daily thought consist of "god, when are you going to take me away, I don't know how much longer i can wait" and "I want to be with my son'. My mind still wanders to any way i could end it all, eve thought I don't follow through with it. I continue to cut and burn, because it seems to be the only thing I can really feel these days. WHEN IS IT FINALLY TIME TO JUST GIVE UP!! Would anyone blame me for finally just giving into what I want to do and finally be at peace? I don't do anything only because I don’t want people to think I gave up, when they don't know my life story, or why I am the ay I am. But after all this, would they think badly of me if i just wanted to be at peace and give up the doctors and hospitals and meds...  Would anyone think badly of me?

[crabby70]

I just wanted to say Hi... your life is worth living and you need to forgive yourself for things you did not do...you need to tell your parents what happened and let the healing begin...and continue with therapy... my prayers are with you

[sphere99]

I too am on this board because of guilt I have in my life and found your post and wow, just wow.  I am so sorry for the things you have had to endure!  No one person should have to go through all of that.  It sounds to me that all of those things were out of your control and you for 100% should NOT feel guilty for anything that has happened, even with your baby.  I too have a boy his birthday is close to your boy's, his is January 11th and he will be 8, I cannot imagine how I would feel if he passed away, I too probably would want to die to be with him.  However, isn't there anyone in your family you could talk to?  I mean all I know is personally if someone was abusing my son I would WANT TO KNOW - Think if it was your son, wouldn't you want to know if someone was doing that to him??  You need to talk to your parents, you for sure shouldn't have to see this man on the "holidays" like nothing happened.  

I am not going to comment on the last part of your post because well frankly I feel the same way and I don't want to give you any more fuel :)   But I do know that life is worth living, there is someone out there who loves you and would be hurt by your leaving their life, can't you find that person and talk to them?  My father died when i was 3 and it was just me and my mother and I cannot imagine not being able to tell her stuff like that.

I know none of this helps, but I just had to say hi :)

[Venora Moonwind]

talk to your family doc and see if he has a good therapist and psychiatrist to reccomend .this would help you immensly to get through the issues that are keeping you from moving forward with your life.
the therapyu will give you the coping skills needed  for you to deal with everything that has happened to you. you are in my prayers.
Love Venora

[apeddle]

I've been seeing him non stop since i was 16, and he has been following up with me very closely. He is really the only one who seems to care a little. Like I said, he would visit me every morning when I was in the hospital.

I guess I should explain a little about where I live and how things work here. I live on the little Island of Newfoundland in Canada. The city I live in has less then 20,000 people. We have one hospital and only three psychiatrist for the whole city, and believe me, there are a lot of people in need of psychiatrist here. I was lucky to get the one good psychiatrist out of the three, but because there is little choice in psychiatrist, they really take advantage of that, and really don't do the job they should. So i've decided not to go back to him on thursday, which is when my next appointment is with him.

Counsellors are VERY hard to come by, if you don't have money, which I don't. My counsellor is a community counsellor, so Idon't have to pay to see her, but it took a year and a half for me to get in to see her, and it would have been much longer if I haden't been admitted to the hospital. When I had a psychologist in the hospital, he was covered under Newfoundland Health care... and because he is the psychiatric ward psychologist, and only a few people on the floor are refered to him, I was lucky to see him almost every day during the week the whole time I was in there. But he is covered inpatient only. If i wanted to see him outside the hospital, i would have to pay, and again, I don't have the money.

I was on social assistance (welfare) up till this month, and all my meds were covered (over 300 dollars a month worth of meds). But last year they pushed me to get set up on Canada Pension Disability, and I was finally approved a month ago, and I was going to be getting a back pay of over 8000 dollars because they go back to when you are first off work, so social services took over 6000 of that, and I was left with 2000 of it, and social services is suspended my drug card because I got this 2000 dollars. But i'm also getting less from Canada Pension, and i was called today and told me my drug card is suspended till june of next year. So i'm stopping my meds so I wont have to pay for them. I have a student loan I have to pay 200 on every month. I get $513.00 every month and I was suppose to be moving out into my own place (Doctor's even wrote a note to subsidised housing, social assistance and CPD stating how much it is needed to get out of my families house and into my own apartment), but now I don't have enough to do that.It seems everywhere i turn, I get screwed over. i've seen people have a home business, getting social services AND getting unemployment (cheating the government) and here I am, really in need of help, but they wont help me. It's been like this my whole life. I told my mother when i was 13 that i was raped by my frineds brother and his friends, and she walked away without saying a word, and never brought it up again.

I am just sick of this thing they call a life. I'm covered in scars from head to toe. I can't function. I tried counting photos yesterdy and i couldent get past ten and i would forget where i was at. I forget EVEYTHING!! I don't have the energy to go out for a walk which i use to love doing. I have seizures every 2 or 3 days, to the point where I have scars all over the side of my tongue from biting it. All the things I loved doing, i don't enjoy at all anymore. Don't even want to think of it. I binge, but lately I can't purge because my throat and my ribs are hurting. But I cant stop binging.I want to stop eating, but the food is there. if i was out on my own, I wouldent have much food to be there to bother me. For the last 2 months, i've been spotting off and on, but never get a full period. I usually only have 6 or 7 periods in a year, but its been almost 3 1/2 months since my last one, and this spotting but not getting a period is annoying, but I don't care enough about it to get it checked out.

I hate my life. Im tired of all this "stuff".

[crabby70]

How about a Hotline you can call and talk to someone, a church.  I just think you have to vent to someone.  That is to much to hold on your own.  You can get through this.  My payers are still with you.

[uberadtx]

That is quite a complicated, grief ridden story you have and I sympathize with you tremendously.  You have lots of labels and diagnosis and problems, no wonder you can't see the forest through the thick bark of all those trees.  You are isolated, alienated and overwhelmed by your past, present and future. You are mired in soo much **** you can't get out of your own way!  You need perspective, support and discipline.  While meds and cognitive therapy are all well and good they are not panaceas.  They will never 'cure' you, they will merely stabilize you enough to help you function.  You have choices right now, today! I understand you hate your life.  I don't see any pleasure in your description of it.  This is what I see:  a woman who is a lone survivor, a brillant fighter who is weary of her past wars.  However, you are not a victim here despite how you feel.   And you are not out of control and you are not crazy either.  You are a glimmering soul who's light is dim right now. Who's core is still burning but needs to be encouraged and fire stoked. You need nourishment body, mind and soul.  The bad news is that no one is going to show up at your doorstep to do it for you.  No one is going to deliver you from yourself except that woman you see in the mangled mirror.  You are not what is wrong, everything around you is wrong and you have ingested the pain, horror and hopelessness of your environment.  You are screaming out for something to change but do nothing about it.  Reading your posts make ME tired and I don't even know you but I can be objective to your desperation. I have been where you are, I know how you feel, the way you feel it and what it makes you think.
You need clarity right now and strength to make some incisive decisions about who you are, what you are and where you are going.  I say it often and for you I mean it sincerely, its time to get busy living or get busy dying because right now you are doing neither.  And there in lies the pity, shame and guilt of your existence.  You are not honoring yourself, your soul or your son by how you are conducting yourself.  Understand that I am not diminishing the way you feel, I am pointing out your way of coping with it.  You can't change your past and I don't think you should shut the door on it.  You can change today and tomorrow but it is a choice.  It will not be easy, the journey you need to take is not for the faint of heart.  You may lose some loved ones along the way but you are going to gain soo much.  Its time to recover from all that holds you back. You have to lighten the load so get organized and prepared, you can only take with you what you can carry.  There are many resources for you that you are not aware of even if you do live in Canada!  Imagine walking into a room that has been ransacked.  The room is strewn with papers, upturned furniture, graffiti on the wall and all that is precious to you is gone.  If it were me, I would close the door and walk away because its too painful.  Yet come back later and start the process of putting that room back together. Yes everything I loved so much is gone, because those thieves t