putting stepdaughter in the middle

[rebbecca]

i have a 5 year old stepdaughter that stays with me and her dad every other week. the thing is that brianna came home and told me that her mom told her that she isnt aloud to come over our house anymore because her mom hates me and doesnt want her around me because of it. and bri also said that i have to take her back to her moms house right now. needless to say i was upset, not that she hates me because i really dont care but that she went though bri to let me know. my husband called bris mom and asked her about it, and after a heated agruement she said that she did say it. and also told my husband that she didnt even want him around bri.
     my question is how can we talk to bri about this without being negitive about her mom and letting bri know that its ok to like me even if her mom doesnt. and also to keep bri out of it. my husband did talk to bri mom about keeping bri out of it and if she feels so strongly about it to take him back to court.but her mom is more worried about her feelings then bris. pleases an suggestions!
thanks rebbecca

[MrsOckert]

Rebbecca, I'm sorry you haven't gotten more responses to your question.  

The unfortunate thing is there really isn't an answer to your question.  You can't talk to a five year old and make them understand this grown up stuff.

The bimbo that needs talking to is the mother and that won't work.  It sounds like she's too selfish to think of anyone but herself.

good luck.

[rebbecca]

i dont want her to understand everything i just want her to know that she can have her own feelings and not to feel bad about how she feels. thanks for your input!

[blechy]

This is terrible for you.  She is doing the one thing we are told not to do after a divorce and that is go through the children and say negative things about the other parent (or you inthis case) to the child.  The child is being used as revenge in this situation and it is not right.  However it seems there is not a lot you can do except go to court if that is what she does and tell the judge your side.  It must be heartbreaking for your husband.  Keep doing what is right from your side and I hope you have a good outcome.  

[swimamy]

I sympathize also, just tell her it is OK to like you, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love her mom any less.  The only solace I can offer is that if you hold your ground and do not talk badly about her mother when she gets older she will realize and appreciate it.  I know it doesn't help now, but my stepdaughter is 16 and she knows and appreciates that I never trash her mother.  She openly loves me and calls me when she is at her mothers to say goodnight to me.  It is worth the wait so keep up the good work of not trashing her mom.

[rebbecca]

thank you so much for ur input, and i will do that.

[chigirl29]

If I were a divorced mother, I would not want anyone but me around my children.  I have a strong maternal instinct like that.  Maybe she feels the same way.  But I do agree, she should not say those things to her child as it doesn't help her with the transition of a broken home.

Just stay calm on your end and do not engage the mother if possible.  Just tell the girl that you know that you are not her mother, but that you are always there for her if she needs anything--and that you do like her as a step-daughter.

Little ones can understand that.
She might think that because her mother doesn't like you that you do not like her.  Five year olds have linear thinking about most things.

[emmyn74]

We have been through this same thing with my step-sons. The mother likes to tell them things about my husband and I. We just sit them down and tell them that we love them a lot and that we want what is best for them. We tell them that it is not right for their mother to say things like that about us and that we have fun when they are over at our house. We ask them if they have fun. They always say yes, and then we tell them that sometimes people do things that they shouldn't and that it doesn't mean since their mother is saying those things, that they should believe them. They are 4 and 6 and they seem to understand. We never say anything negative about their mother and just have to have a talk like this every time she tells them something like this. It is something that has got to be dealt with or it will just get worse later on.

[rebbecca]

she done this to my son, not the other way around, but yes i do understand what ur saying. thanks

[rebbecca]

i am sorry i wrote in the wrong post, yes ur right sorry again it has been a long day,lol

[stepmummyred]

         It's really unfortunate that the BM is using her child to get at it's father. However, if the courts decided that the childs father can have visitation rights of every other week, theres nothing the BM can do to keep you and your husband from seeing and having the child.  The courts will not decide to not let you have rights to see the child just because the BM hates your guts, only if the father is found unfit to parent his child. Don't be afraid to stand up for your time with the child, as the child will be hurt by it in the long run, and by not getting time with your step daughter, it will appear to the  poor child that her mother is right, and she too will hate her father.
The BM is way out of line, don't be afraid to stand for your court ordered rights with the child. Also, it might help to get a child counselot involved to sort out the childs fears, so that she will realize that she does not have to get caught up in guilt and fear for wanting to spend time with her father.