attraction to my wife

[ganu]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. As of the past 3 years our sex life has *** to a near halt. Worst of all I am the one to blame. I love my wife and I work hard to provide for us, but I just dont find her sexually attractive at all. No matter how much makeup she wears, what outfits she puts on or anything. It is very hard for me to gain an erection with her and its not that I have an erectile problem, I just dont get into the mood with her at all. I dont know why or what to do. Any suggestions???
Ganu
Albany NY

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

I need more information to help you. What happened at four years of the marriage that changed the way you felt towards her? Did your life change? Did either your appearance or weight change or did her's?  Did an emotional incident happened that changed the way she felt towards you or you felt towards her?  Did she get pregnant and have a baby?

The answer lies in the some kind of change- since you indicated that you were attracted to her for quite a few years. And then the second question is-- do you want to work on this once you discover why it happened? I can't give you advice on what to do because I need to know more about why your sexual interest in her changed. I need to know if you need psychological help, she needs to change weight, or you need marriage counseling for the relationship in order to recharge the emotional connenction between you. I would also need to know if there are any other women in your life- or if you are excited by seeing any women of any specific appearance.

I will say, you need to find out what is going on. Otherwise your marriage may go under-- and if that is to happen, you don't want it to happen by an affair, or lack of trying to save it when you still had the option to do so. You also don't want to stay in a marriage where you are totally unattracted to your wife. I am sure it seems unfair to you--but it is certainly unfair to her too. Imagine how she must feel if you obviously don't want her. This is an issue you have to solve one way or the other.

[rebbecca]

what attracted you to her before you were married? has she changed, weight, looks, her out look on life? what is so bad?

[littlej203]

It seems you may have had too much of a good thing and is too comfortable in you marriage. I think your desire will come back if you relax and feel the love you have for her.  Her body alone may not keep you excited but the heart will keep the fire burning for years to come.  Pace yourself, you don't have to want her every day of the week.  Also, see your doctor and let them run test to see if your hormones are low.


Married 29yrs and still excited

[Mikeshelby]

I had a situation that was about the same as you. My advice, do what it takes to keep the sex going.  It took me about 2 years to come around but by then the damage was done.  I pushed her away for 2 years and she now feels neglected and we have been trying to rebuild the romance for several years.

[Geographer]

Nothing unique happened after four years to make him no longer attracted to his wife; he is simply bored with the same person after seven years.  And no matter how many wigs, role plays, and months of abstinence and 'dating' he tries with her, she will still be the same person he is bored with sexually.  I bet she feels the same way, and I bet most couples that are together more than 10 years feel the same.