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compulsion to meet women?
by askingagain, Dec 02, 2007 10:44PM
My boyfriend of about 6 months compulsively approaches women. Can this be a manifestation of OCD? Or is he just a cad?
At first, I thought that he was just a flirt, but we went shopping together recently and I was stunned by the number of different women he approached while with me to ask seemingly inane questions he might just as well asked me or not at all. If we go into a store and there are 4 male clerks and 1 woman, he will always approach the woman to ask some kind of question, even if it's something a man would be more likely to know the answer to, like the results of a football game or maybe about computer games. He also spends a lot of time engaging women in conversations on dating websites--which is where I met him. But whereas I had met perhaps 8 men in 6 months, he had contacted and had long conversations with 50 or 100, often talking to women for an hour or more several times a week--each conversation with a different woman. He didn't seem to care whether they were likely to be available or were even within a thousand miles of him. Even when he tells women he can't continue to correspond with them because he is seriously involved with me, he leaves open the possibility that he'll be back some day. (I admit I have been reading his email.)
He also frequently comments to his prospects that he didn't expect to be swept off his feet "so soon," as if he is highly emotional. In fact, he is mostly quite calm and rather domestic and likes nothing better than to fold laundry while watching a football game on television. He may be sexually passionate on occasion, which of course I like, but he may also withdraw suddenly and become silent and "dumb" making meaningless observations and refusing to explain himself. In conversations with women, he consistently presents himself in romantic and heated terms, filled with cultural references to music and art, as well as personal angst that he otherwise shows little sign of experiencing.
He is intelligent, well educated, and of course charming and often very patient and kind. I thought that if we became more serious, he would lose interest in this compulsive dating and because I have asked him to stop dating other women, he has, as far as I know. But he can't seem to stop approaching them and trying to attract them, sometimes every few paces. I can hardly go out with him without having him wander off to the other side of the street to strike up a conversation with a woman. They are not necessarily good looking. They may be overweight, young or rather old. He clearly prefers them young and pretty. They need only be women.
He is taking effexor for anxiety and depression, has been on it for about 5 years. He is 57 years old and has severe problems with procrastination and anxiety, which, he tells me, has affect his work life in the past and damaged his long marriage which ended not long ago. He feels that he has not lived up to his potential generally. He plays word games somewhat obsessively, becomes upset if he is interrupted before finishing one. At first, he displayed occasional tempter tantrums, shouting at me for minor errors on my part. But after I complained that he was behaving abusively, he abruptly stopped and I haven't seen any temper in two months, except that he sometimes still engages in verbal attacks on powerless store clerks (of both sexes) when they commit some offense. But for me, he just shut off his anger entirely. I was relieved but also startled at his ability to simply stop.
And he still seems obsessed with making friends with women and getting very close to them. He will even rub their backs or touch them in other ways, even if he barely knows them. (Some like this, some don't.) He has many old friends (women) with each of whom he has a long-standing quasi-romantic connection. I sense that he plays women off against one another. He frequently tells me about doing things with other women that seem calculated to make me feel jealous but I find it better to respond cooly.
I sometimes feel very jealous and other times more amused and dumbfounded. But I do want to know if this qualifies as a compulsion and might be a symptom of OCD? Or is that mainly handwashing, which he shows no sign of.
At first, I thought that he was just a flirt, but we went shopping together recently and I was stunned by the number of different women he approached while with me to ask seemingly inane questions he might just as well asked me or not at all. If we go into a store and there are 4 male clerks and 1 woman, he will always approach the woman to ask some kind of question, even if it's something a man would be more likely to know the answer to, like the results of a football game or maybe about computer games. He also spends a lot of time engaging women in conversations on dating websites--which is where I met him. But whereas I had met perhaps 8 men in 6 months, he had contacted and had long conversations with 50 or 100, often talking to women for an hour or more several times a week--each conversation with a different woman. He didn't seem to care whether they were likely to be available or were even within a thousand miles of him. Even when he tells women he can't continue to correspond with them because he is seriously involved with me, he leaves open the possibility that he'll be back some day. (I admit I have been reading his email.)
He also frequently comments to his prospects that he didn't expect to be swept off his feet "so soon," as if he is highly emotional. In fact, he is mostly quite calm and rather domestic and likes nothing better than to fold laundry while watching a football game on television. He may be sexually passionate on occasion, which of course I like, but he may also withdraw suddenly and become silent and "dumb" making meaningless observations and refusing to explain himself. In conversations with women, he consistently presents himself in romantic and heated terms, filled with cultural references to music and art, as well as personal angst that he otherwise shows little sign of experiencing.
He is intelligent, well educated, and of course charming and often very patient and kind. I thought that if we became more serious, he would lose interest in this compulsive dating and because I have asked him to stop dating other women, he has, as far as I know. But he can't seem to stop approaching them and trying to attract them, sometimes every few paces. I can hardly go out with him without having him wander off to the other side of the street to strike up a conversation with a woman. They are not necessarily good looking. They may be overweight, young or rather old. He clearly prefers them young and pretty. They need only be women.
He is taking effexor for anxiety and depression, has been on it for about 5 years. He is 57 years old and has severe problems with procrastination and anxiety, which, he tells me, has affect his work life in the past and damaged his long marriage which ended not long ago. He feels that he has not lived up to his potential generally. He plays word games somewhat obsessively, becomes upset if he is interrupted before finishing one. At first, he displayed occasional tempter tantrums, shouting at me for minor errors on my part. But after I complained that he was behaving abusively, he abruptly stopped and I haven't seen any temper in two months, except that he sometimes still engages in verbal attacks on powerless store clerks (of both sexes) when they commit some offense. But for me, he just shut off his anger entirely. I was relieved but also startled at his ability to simply stop.
And he still seems obsessed with making friends with women and getting very close to them. He will even rub their backs or touch them in other ways, even if he barely knows them. (Some like this, some don't.) He has many old friends (women) with each of whom he has a long-standing quasi-romantic connection. I sense that he plays women off against one another. He frequently tells me about doing things with other women that seem calculated to make me feel jealous but I find it better to respond cooly.
I sometimes feel very jealous and other times more amused and dumbfounded. But I do want to know if this qualifies as a compulsion and might be a symptom of OCD? Or is that mainly handwashing, which he shows no sign of.
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