How to save my marriage after a gay affair

[Matty351]

I am 33 and my wife has just filed for divorce but I want to try at all costs to save my marriage.  She found out I was having a gay affair for two months, and prior to that had been making friends in the gay community for 5 months (without any sexual contact).  This would seem to be an open and shut case, but my infidelity stems from a long held childhood secret that no one ever knew until I had to confess it to my wife.  I was sexually abused by two boys when I was 9 years old.  I was not a popular kid and my parents had just gotten divorced.  One of the popular boys invited me over to join his froup of friends one day.  Two of the boys (aged 10 and 12) started touching me and kissing me.  I didn't know what to do so I went along It proceeded to oral sex.  I was told if I ever told no one would ever like me and my parents wouldn't love me anymore.  I went back over 50 times to the sexual contact over two years.   I had shame, guilt, and self-loathing ever since.  I have had attraction to girls and guys ever since but never acted on it with guys.  I fell in love with my wife and married 7 years ago.  We had a happy marriage until we found out she was infertile.  She withdrew sexually and I eventually withdrew emotionally.  I didn't understand how the infertility had truly affected her.  I pushed and pushed for intimacy but she was unable to recover for two years.  by that time I had withdrawn emotionally.  I couldn't put my demons of my childhood abuse down any longer and I acted out in the way I learned as a kid.  Now that I have had to come clean, I realize why I did what I did.  Freeing myself of the abuse has freed me of the self-loathing, but my wife does not believe she can be attracted to me again.  I don't believe I am gay and want to save my marriage.  What do I do?

[PhenomenalWoman]

Honestly lets put things into perspective.  What happen when you were a child should have been dealt with before you got married.  I don't realy see how you can be straight one day and be dormaintly gay the next.  I have lots of gay friends and I enjoy hearing there trials and tribulations in relationships but one thing that I respect the most about them is that they are straight up and honest with themselves about who they are and they're honest with me.

You mention that you had a happy marriage until yall found out that she was infetile.  How about IVF or adoptions?  It is hard I must admit as a woman not being able to provide to her husband only a woman can do and that is produce a child (of course with your help) but we as woman feel like it completes a home and a marriage.  As a man you wouldn't understand how it feels but let me give you a scenario....How would you feel if you were impadent?  That's part of your manhood right?  Well wanting to have a child is our motherly instincts.  Had you've been a little more supportive by doing some research or providing other options maybe she would feel a little better.  I wont lie to you though she probably needs therapy...someone to talk to with someone she can relate to...and to make matters worse she caught you with a gay affair,,,,that's a double emotional whammy!

As a woman (to be honest with you) I don't realy see how you can overcome something like this.  We as woman have a hard enuf time trying to keep other woman away from our man and now you have her worrying that you might be attracted to other men.  Its not fair but some people when they hear this think about AIDs.  I say this because you leave yourself more open and suseptible for it to happen and I'm sure she's thought about it.  I have a friend who is HIV pos and he's gay and I couldn't tell you if he's honest with his partners or not about having it!  So with that being said you leave her with soo many questions...1. am I not enuf woman for him  2.  is it because I can't have children  3.  Should I be tested for HIV/AIDs or worry  4.  all this time and he never told me until now  5.  i gave this man 7 years of my life and I could have moved on than to waste my time with someone who wasn't fully interested in woman  6.  why wait until now to tell me something abou your past...she should have known prior to yall being married.....All these are just questions I would be asking myself about you.

I have a sister who is currently going threw divorce because he finally came out the closet when she walked in on him with another guy.  They were married 12 years.....12 years and now she feels like she wasted 12 years of her life with a man she thought she knew!  I hope I haven't offended you but you have some issues that should have been dealt with before you got married...I hope things work out for you but if you realy think that it will never happen again and you're willing to get some help maybe you can salvage but if you love her and you're not sure that you can put all of this aside than let her go but be her friend...she could use that from the emotional withdrawl...meanwhile you should seek some help yourself....God bless!

[ibizan]

i am a substance abuse counselor day job.Been in the counseling field since 1979.I do not adhere to this bi-sexuality thing..i think people know WHAT gender they prefer sexually!i've had a lot of men over the years tell me they cheat on their wives...with other men....and it comes down to the phenomena of passing...faking being hetero in order to avoid the discrimination xperienced by many  when u step outta closet.U both need sound professional help!

[teko]

Put yourself in your wifes situation and c how you would feel. You want forgiveness for cheating on her but with someone of the same sex which puts her at an increased risk of contracting hiv, a life threatening disease. Let me guess! You just love her to death, so to speak. I am sorry for your childhood trauma, but that was then and this is now. If you had doubts then this should have been investigated before you said marriage vows. Now your wife has found out that she cannot have children (every womans dream), sinks into depression and you beat her while she is down. You said she found out, meaning you did not tell her yourself? this adds fuel to the fire. I would honestly say that you have done everything you can and if you truly love her then set her free with no more emotional baggage than she already has. This is my advice from your post. I would also advise you to get tested for hiv. Your behavior has put you at risk and has it also put your wife at risk? If so, she will need to test also. I wish you luck in your future endeavors, but I think you have to bite the bullet on this one. Sorry!

[ibizan]

u go girl!i agree....Matty351 this is good advice here...2 much damage to be undone...get honest about ur life....and if u care about ur wife..let her move on emotionally,spiritually, and she needs to get checked medically!u 2!

[dove3053]

I can understand how your wife feels. I'm sure you love her and want to make things work but if she's not attracted to you anymore I can't see what you can do at this point. Teko is right, set her free.

On a more personal note, I think what you did to her was unforgiveable.  

Dove

[mayflowers]

Can you get yourself and your wife into counciling together?  Whether you were with a man or a woman makes no difference in the fact that you cheated.  If your wife won't go to counciling, go by yourself to at least learn how to forgive yourself and move on with your life.  

[sara......]

"Whether you were with a man or a woman makes no difference "

I so do not agree with that - the fact he was with a man means he might be gay - hetro men DO NOT sleep with guys. So yes, it DOES make a difference. You can possibly overcome an affair - But you can NOT overcome if he is gay, unless your a man too!

[Matty351]

Thanks for your post. I appreciate your honesty.  I am so ashamed of what I have done.  I love her and I have told several friends what I did.   I am not ashamed anymore about what happened to me as a child.  None of this was her fault, but I truly hope she will try counseling with me, if not to save the marriage then at least to help both of us move on.  She is an amazing woman.  I wish I had dealt with this before my marriage.

[ibizan]

I think u should try counseling alone first and if she wishes to join u then so be it.This will be a long road of healing for u both.....ur honesty and sincerity in helping her move on is apparent.And u must live more of an honest life and try to find serenity...a arduous task..for this is a short life in retrospect!Best of luck to u both......please get the std testing.....and thank u for ur honesty here and weathering the myriad posts/opinions...that is what this is about!

[koukla29]

Matty, I think you should go to counseling.  Ask your wife is she would be willing to go to couples counseling with you.  If she is, then maybe you can work on the relationship together.  In addition, although you have this out in the open, I think you should get individual counseling for yourself - you went through something very traumatic as a child and you are just now understanding the effects of it on your life.  I think there is a large emphasis on making you feel shame in this thread - and I already think you are there.  In addition, I think it takes a strong individual to humble themselves, admit there is a problem, and ask for help.  Good luck

[BearHitch]

I have to agree with others that the fact that you had an affair with a man is significant.  I understand that you think you were acting out on past abuse and such, but a 2 month affair?  I think that might be something a little different.  I can understand your wife saying she isn't sure she can be attracted to you anymore, and I can understand your wife filing for divorce.  After all, she found out- not was confessed to, and it was with a man.  

You ask for advice on how to save your marriage- the only way you can is if your wife also wants to, and based off of her actions, I don't think that is the case.  You'll just have to move on.

[Cerise]

I see a lot of excuses here. Of course discovering she was infertile would affect your wife badly and you should have been more understanding rather than push her for sex. You're also old enough to have your days of experimentation long behind you: do you even realise the potential health dangers you placed her in through your experimentation? Your entire story sounds very self indulgent. Ultimately, in the end, you betrayed the trust of the woman who loved you and you weren't there for you when she needed you. Instead you were chasing men around town. Frankly, she deserves more.

[MrsOckert]

I believe you can be forgiven.  Will your wife forgive you?  It's up to her/you/ and God.  God forgave Israel over and over.  Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7.  

It just depends on the commitment level you have to each other and how hard both of you are willing to work to put it behind you.

I believe your wife has a spiritual obligation to forgive you, but what I think and what you and wife think and do could be miles apart.

Good luck.

[savik]

MrsOckert

I am a Christian and I don't think his wife has a "spiritual obligation" to forgive him. We all have our trials and G-d forgives us all even if we fail.  

I would hope that his wife forgives him because she loves him and doesn't want to live without him in her life.

Matty351

I think I would be devastated if I were your wife.  She may never find you sexually attractive again, but  that is understandable since she never thought her man would be with another man. I would be repulsed as well.

Maybe you should apologize to her and identify with her problems and stop talking about your childhood so much.  She understands that by now. Talk about her and what she has gone through--not just you.

I don't think an affair of any kind means the end of a marriage.  I happen to have been married almost ten years now, and my husband and I are strongly against divorce.  

Maybe you can work it out, but try talking to her about HER.  

Good luck to you both.

[mvenegas]

I went through the same thing with my husband and for the last five years I have really tried to hang in there. But who are you fooling...There is no way to save your marriage. My husband and I finally left eachother this year. We are starting out the year single. And you can't even imagine how painful this i for me. I now have a newborn baby that I would have to raise on my own.  I love my husband to death but I'm no longer willing to deal with the heartache of it all...You are gay and that is what happens when you get abused as a child...You are confused but unfortunately you should have gotten it out of your system before getting married...