MY SON TOLD ME HE HATES ME AND WANTS ME DEAD (3 YRS OLD)

[lsmit007]

I am so upset.  My son is 3 1/2 years old.  He was fine until I got pregnant with my daughter.  He was the only child of a single mother for such a long time...all we had was each other.  He was two when she was born.

I have noticed a steady decline with my son since my daughter.  I am a single parent in the military with no family around to help me.  I pay more attention to my daughter because she is more dependent on me (changing diapers, feeding her...etc) and my son doesnt understand.  I try to explain but he still doesn't listen.

My son now acts out...hits his sister, screams, and tears/breaks everything he gets his hands on to get my attention (I'm assuming).  I feel bad because he makes me so angry by doing these things and time out doesn't seem to work so I started popping his bottom and hands.

I think all I did was make it worse.  Now he hits me and spits on me at times.  He has a television in his room and one day I went into his room and he was watching the cartoon channel.  It was a very violent cartoon and I turned the channel immediately and he threw a fit screaming "I WAS WATCHING THAT MOVIE!!!"  I tried to tell him that the movie was scary and he didn't need to see that but he was livid.  Next thing that comes out of his mouth is "I hate you mommy and I'm gonna murder you!"

My heart dropped!  I am thinking he heard this on the cartoon but what do I do?  Can I help him to understand that his violent behavior has to stop?  I am going to stop popping him because I know I have made it worse.

Its just that I was spanked and I don't know any other way?

PLEASE HELP ME.  Give me tips to stop this vicious cycle.  My parents beat and spanked me all the time and I grew up battling depression and low self-esteem.  I dont want to do that to my son...

PLEASE HELP.  Is there something wrong with my son?  Is it normal for him to act this way and say things like this???

[mom@homenow]

At his age, he wouldn't understand the concept of death, that death is forever etc...  He may not even realize what the word murder means. So first you need to realize he is just repeating a phrase that he heard somewhere that got a huge reaction and so he's trying to get a huge reaction out of you. Yes, it sounds like he's looking for attention in every way possible. He also at a very self centered age and whether or not he can understand your explanations that your daughter needs you more isn't much of a factor. He wants mommy, that's pretty much his agenda. It doesn't sound like his dad is in the picture so you are the only adult for him to go to for attention.

Since you can't monitor what he watches in his room, I would suggest removing that television. If you can't bear to do that, then unhook it from the cable or whatever, get a VCR and get a bunch of VHS tapes (they're cheap, especially secondhand!) and let him watch the tapes. That way you have control over what he sees and you can keep it age appropriate.

The best way to stop a cycle of abuse is to get professional help because someone can tailor a plan to your specific needs. The military has family welfare resources, check your local base or ask at your MTF. They can help you both learn to deal better with frustration and how to communicate better. Perhaps too they can direct you to local resources for activities you and your son can do together, or the three of you together where he is the center of attention.

Meanwhile, although his tantrums seem extreme and most kids his age wouldn't say or do those exact things, it sounds more like a discipline problem and probably exposure to the wrong TV shows rather than something "wrong" with him. He is jealous and he doesn't know how to cope with it, and it sounds like you don't either. When he acts out, you need to step back, take a deep breath and count to 10 or something before you react. Really, it can work! Hitting him isn't going to help but I think you know that, it's just a product of your frustration. Not reacting to him on impulse is key, and by taking a moment for yourself you can collect your temper and react more calmly. You're in a tough situation- more stressful than most of us would be able to bear on our own. You need a break and some guidance, more I think than we can offer you here.

[PaperMoon3]

Yeah it sounds like those words about murdering you is somehting he heard on TV which is proof that he's been watching things that are not appropriate for his age. Remove the TV or  block out everything except disney channel and cartoon channels etc.  Or buy the vcr tapes like the other poster said and only let him watch those.  

[miscdesign]

I agree, get rid of the TV.  I've made it known to my boys that they are not allowed to have a t.v. in their rooms... only the living room where I can see what they are watching.  

Take a moment before reacting (like the previous post suggested).  Can you include your son in some of the aspects of raising a baby, like helping to feed or playing a game together?  Tell him what a big help he is when he does this?  

Good Luck!  

[becks715]

I agree with the removal of TV etc perhaps a block on certain chanels to help you monitor what he's watching?

It's VERY common for a child who has recently become a sibling and had ALL the attention for SO long without anyone else interferring to act out when that is taken away.  I understand that your daughter may be more demanding in terms of needs but your son's needs are just as important.  Please don't give up on that and don't shrug it off.

I suggest some firm discipline and total consistancy (I know it's hard ecspecially if you are a single parent but it is utmost necessary).

I would also suggest one on one time with your son without the babe if at all possible.  He will not understand that she needs more attention at his age.  Children at 3 think in concrete terms.  all he knows is that he gets less attention then he did before the baby came and bingo resentment.

He needs one on one mommy time REGULARLY.  Each child does.  Its not fair to him to expect him to understand what's going on and it's not fair to him to lose out because the baby is around.  Plan something consistantly, an outing to the park once a week, a move afternoon while baby naps.  Seriously it will help I bet.  And include him whenever possible like miscd said.  if you can't be one on one.  

Firm Discipline, one on one time and 110% consistancy.  When your'e tired and angry and upset none of that can come through as a break down if you get what I mean.  He has to know you mean business and he obviously doesn't if the ways you are disciplining now aren't working.  I wish you the best of luck.