Can the man man destroy a woman's libido for good?

[Labanana]

I chose to have a tubal ligation at 28 years of age because I wanted to have a good sex life with a good man. Now I am 34 years old and I have never regretted this operation. I value my independence and freedom from ever becoming pregnant. That operation never ever has made me feel depressed - not even subconsciously .  I am 100% grateful I had the option for sterilization when so many women in NZ are exempt from this freedom. However, the big irony is that I have not met a man who treats me with the respect in the bedroom that I feel I deserve so that I can enjoy a happy sex life. If anything I feel as if i have been emotionally "raped". I have been living with someone for the last three years, who  has created a lot of emotional stress in my life through his drinking habits and disgusting attitudes towards me: something I did not know he would do until we began to live together ( it always happens like that I know).  The thing that bothers me at the moment is that before I met this man, my periods were so regular that they coincided with full moon. I am not some wacko, green-head when I say this either, however it was sort of special to have such incredibly regular periods. Now they have become very irregular and I have lost all desire for sex which bothers me somewhat because I used to love sex until ongoing problems between me and my partner have put me off.  These problems would include his telling me how weird and abnormal I am, because I cannot get aroused after I know he has been watching blood bath style movies like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or "Saw" or "Hostel". I cannot get aroused when I have found porn on his computer and I want to vomit if there is a mentioning of oral sex. Yes,  I am a rare breed of female that detests oral sex! Nature endowed me with the idea that sex is for the genitals not the mouth. The mere idea of OS  makes me want to throw up!   I have not been abused sexually, my parents had a very open attitude towards sex as I grew up, I am an atheist  and basically I have no repressed memories to interfere with my "normal sexual functioning" until I met this pervert who has dashed my hopes of a good relationship. I am moving towards using that dangerous expression women adopt when a relationship turns to custard: "all men are bastards".  I used to have ideas about sex that were my own and not interfered with by other people or the media. To me it seems disgusting that anyone would want to put their mouth anywhere near somebody's bottom where it stinks and where excrement comes out. Yuck! We were taught to wash our hands after going to the toilet as kids and the whole world suddenly decides that the human nether regions are for eating! Yuck! Nature tells me that Oral Sex is unhygienic even with lots of soap washing beforehand.  You can beg to differ if like but there is no way anyone will convert my opinions here. Why do people have to do such disgusting things when the genitals serve the purpose of sexual pleasure?  The whole purpose of my getting sterilized was so I could have a good sex life only to end up with man who is a lousy sexual partner. He cannot turn me on and he makes me so angry! And he complains that I do not have orgasms! I say, HOW DARE he tell me a thing like that! He is the one who is utterly hopeless. He doesn't even make the bed nicely beforehand so I actually feel pleased.  He cannot give me proper sex the way I want and the way I have written to him, told him, emailed to and shown him. I think he is intellectually handicapped sexually.  Are other men intellectually as handicapped as this? If they are, no wonder women break up with men so much.  Instead he wants to do unhygienic things that I hate...like disgusting oral sex. He wants to act like some male **** at a Roman orgy or French swinger's party.  He is a pervert.  He doesn't care about my emotions and he only cares about his dirty twisted mind. Moreover I did tell this man before we began a relationship that I loathe oral sex and did not want to live with a man who does that and he now hassles me all the time, always implying that I should "explore myself" and that I am weird because I am not vibrating like some pneumatic drill for him on demand. He does not appreciate my body as nature made it.
Can you tell me where I can find a new man who wants a long term relationship with the possibility of marriage, no oral sex (AT ALL) no kids and unconditional love? That is what I want!  I want someone who can restore my confidence in myself and men.


I also want to know if  there is any possibility that  the ongoing emotional stress that I live with could be engineering an early menopause for me or is this just because I had a tubal ligation? (the doctor told me sometimes early menopause occurs after sterilization). IS it likely that sex-drive hormones in a woman shut down when she is with someone who angers her and makes her cry nearly every day?  Could my sense of repulsion towards my partner be killing my libido?  I also have an under active thyroid but I do take the right amount of thyroxine every day, so I don't think that is affecting my sex drive. I am not fat...some say that I am quite little.  I do not take antidepressants.  

[xyborx]

You are very much it touch with your body and your body with the solar system - this is good. Getting sterilized so that you can have a good sex life and being an atheist - this is bad. You seem to be missing wisdom, and the soul is ones source of universal wisdom. This part is very important, but often overlooked. Sex is sacred, as it is the source of life - your included. The more you indulge in sex without regards to love and life, the more you lose contact with your soul. You may need to spend time alone, stop rushing things, and find the reason why God is missing from your life. God... the universe, connects to the soul and the body is the temple of the soul - there is more to you than just a physical body. These disconnections prevent spiritual growth and leave the chakras discharged. Only a man with full spiritual development can recharge these energy centres of the causal body and make a meaningful connection. Such a man would be interested in having children - associating sex, love and life together.

[sara......]

I think you need some counselling to sort out your issues and how you view sex, you have some very unusual ideas. To have a tubal ligation for the sole purpose of "I wanted to have a good sex life with a good man" as you wrote - and fear of getting pregnant is very dramatic. I mean, like you wrote yourself, it can bring on early menopause, why risk that? You can have a good sex life with a good man and not get pregnanat if you take simple precautions without having surgery.

Also, I know there are some women out there that do not like oral sex, so its fine that you don't, it's a personal preference, but the depth of your disgust and loathing of the idea is pretty full on. For example you write - "Oral Sex is unhygienic even with lots of soap washing beforehand" - I don't think this is a logical statement. Also, not being able to have sex with your partner because he's watched a horror film? Or because "He doesn't even make the bed nicely beforehand "? To me (and remember this is my opinion) this is a very small reason to not want sex, and I think you have to have to work out why these things affect you so much, and if these even ARE the reasons you don't want to.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but maybe if you can work out why you have these ideas with a counsellor you can have a happy relationship with someone.

And don't worry, No, you cannot bring menopause on with stress. If you are worried about being menopausal, see a GP for a blood test.

Another thing is, you call your partner a pervert, so of course you do not have desire for him, if this is how you view him it is no surprise you do not want to sleep with him. What I'm interested in is WHY you think he's a pervert? If it's simply because he wants oral sex, I don't think that makes a guy a pervert, in fact I think it would be difficult to find a guy who does not like it! (but I'm sure there must be some.) And if it's because he want to try new things (positions etc) this usually happens in all relationships - after years you try new fun things to 'spice it up a bit'. Unless there is more you are not writing, I don't know if these things necessarily make him a pervert.

Good Luck, and please, get some counselling.

[jml1986]

Sounds to me like although you think you are totally aware of your body, it appears that there are some areas that you may need help with. Whether physical or mental, you seem to have a unusual attitude toward sex and your partner. While there are plenty of women out there that do not enjoy oral sex, they do not express the anger and discussed that you do. I would wonder why you stay with your partner if you consider him a pervert and does not know how to satisfy you sexually? I do not consider a man that wants more out of a sex life then you do a pervert. Sex is a pleasureful act that is enhanced by the feelings of being with your partner. If you have no desire to be with this man then I think your first step would be to end the relationship. My second step would be that you seek some counselling to help you sort out the anger and disgusted that you feel about sexually. Libido comes from a mutual attraction between two people an if that attraction is not there then your libido can be affected.

[Newmom_]

hi,
I just wanted to say that i think it is great to see someone who knows what they want and thats half the battle. I think it was very responsible to become sterilized since their are so many unwanted children in the world, and i abhore abortion. Life is about making decisions to keep ouselves healthy and happy and you made yours. I deeply hope you never change your mind though, life is changing all the time and us with it.
With regard to your partner, he seems to be really badly effecting you, i would get out of that relationship asap. i know that easier said than done. It seems that your sexual incompatibility is a small problem, but his lack of attempts to WANT to satisfy you is the issue. A couple that are really in love will comprimise sexually untill they reach a sexual relationship that suits both. I do not have a very hugh libido and don't really like oral sex but my husband is opposite! We meet in the middle, he is gentler with me and settles for sex