My 14 yr old carved on herself...

[chloe802]

Hello... I'm a mother of a 14 yr old girl. She is an honor student, marching band, jazz band, beautiful, all the great stuff you teach your kids. Recently, I noticed she carved on her arm (where it scared) "WHY?" She got upset when I noticed and claims, "MOM!!! I'm NOT EMO" I'm sure all you moms know about EMO. Anyways... How serious would you take this???

[April2]

This is very serious as cutting can be addictive real fast. Cutting is fast becoming more and more prevalent among our teens, especially girls. Kids who cut are usually very smart, middle class students who tend to be perfectionists (therefore hard on themselves) and very creative. Cutting is a way of releasing tension, anger, frustration, sadness or any emotion that overwhelms them and they don't know how to deal with it.

Although cutting has been associated with Emo's, some kids don't necessarily relate to all the things Emo's do, such as dressing dark and being depressed. Although most cutters do suffer from depression in one form or another.

You need to watch her carefully and see if she does it again. Ask to see her arms and legs from time to time. She can get upset about it all she wants. You need to watch that she doesn't do it again. Also watch if she starts wearing long sleeves a lot or several bracelets to cover up any cuts or scars. Keep calm though. Don't act judgemental. Show compassion. Show her you want to understand. Talk to her. What did the word "WHY?" mean? Is she having trouble with any of her peers? See if you can figure out what's going on in her life.

Tell her (gently) that if she cuts herself again you all will be seeing a counselor. She may try to blow it off and act like it's no big deal. It IS a big deal. Don't let her blow it off. She needs to find better ways to handle emotions than hurting herself. A counselor can help with that. She can take a walk, talk to a friend, take a hot bubble bath, put a loose rubber band on her arm and snap it when she feels the urge to cut. There are many things she could do. It's best to catch this in the beginning before it becomes addictive and it's harder to break.

And yes, I speak from experience. My own beautiful daughter started cutting a year and a half ago at the age of 14. We didn't take it seriously enough in the beginning. She would promise she wouldn't do it again and beg us to not take her to the therapist and we'd believe her. And then she'd hide it and do it again. We were very naive and didn't know how to handle this. I had never even heard of it! I had to educate myself real fast. Most of her problems stemmed with her peers and depression. She had been picked on and bullied a lot throughout middle school. We didn't realize how bad it was because she didn't tell us a lot.
If you ever want to private message me and talk more, please feel free. I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers. God bless.

[solidergurl87]

just wanting to say that im an 18 year old girl. i use to carve from the age of 13 to 16years old. we do it from depression..but usually its something that has impacted our lives rape, home stuff or being teased from kids or not feeling like they fit in. ask her why she does or whats going on in her life do not yell or accuse because that makes them feel like they are weird and sick. you have to talk to her and make her feel like you are here for her and so she will feel comfortable to talk to you. but yes they do it when depression and when they lonely and worthless...carving is about feeling something that we dont feel in ourselves and it releases stress and pain that we feel. it will stop it just takes time. wehn she gains power in herself and belives in herself and has confidence cutting will go away. talk to her every time you get and tell her you belive in her and give her confidence i promise you it will stop. god bless and good luck tell her shes better then scars on her arm.

[chloe802]

WOw... thank you so much... I just got the chills from all the support! April, you just totally described our lives. You see, she is not your avarage girl. She's a broadway fan, obsessed w/ "Phantom" Jazz, classical music, and is the only freshman in Jazz band (big deal)! She is very artistic and can draw like you wouldn't believe! But, I have been checking and will keep on doing so. She's in counseling, but we havn't been back for awhile. I think we're due for a visit.

I raised my daughter all by myself w/ lil help from her father. He left 3 years ago, and havn't seen him since. He's gone forever, I'll explain that one soon.  Soildergirl, thank you for you advice as well... I will post more tomorrow, I have a big day today, and my daughter tends to be on the comp in the early evening... Thank you again, Ladies... I love all the support here... Be back soon

[zamsing94]

Wow....I read your post and I could've written it myself!    I discovered almost 2 months ago that my 12 yr old daughter was cutting.   She's an extremely bright, confident, well-rounded NORMAL kid.   The past year or so has been pretty rough on us (her father moved out Aug. 2006, and her Grandfather--whom lived downstairs so we could help care for him--died in March 2007) so I had her in counseling to help 'get her through' , but stopped because I thought she was OK---not to mention the cost.   THAT was a mistake.   She's back in counseling....and I haven't seen any signs of fresh cuts, but I'm still worried.   I find myself checking her phone and monitoring her IMs and e-mails......but at the same time, I don't want her to think I'm "freaking out" and don't trust her, because I want her to feel that's it's safe for her to come to me with any problems she's having.   It's a fine line.  
I'd love to hear how you' and your daughter are doing....
Happy New Year!
Ruthie
Zamsing94
p.s.    what's EMO?

[April2]

Don't feel guilty about checking your daughter's things. Sometimes you have to to keep them safe. And when they're acting in an unsafe manner (like the cutting) then we have to step in and do whatever we can to keep them from hurting themselves and to get them the help they need.
Cutting is becoming so much more prevalent. I had never even heard of it until my daughter started doing it over a year ago. I was so niave. I had to educate myself real fast. If you read my post you will see that I had to deal with this with my daughter too. It can be addictive behavior. It's an escape for them to escape from whatever pain they're feeling inside.
I had never really gone through my kids things until she started cutting herself. Then I went through her room with a fine toothed comb. Know what I found? A suicide note, some very dark, sad pictures and poems and later I found some very carefully hidden pills that she had stashed in case she ever got up the nerve to commit suicide. That's why I said don't worry about going through her things. You have to do what you can to protect her because she's not thinking straight right now. We had our daughter in counseling too for a little over a year. She's a LOT better now. We had to move her to a new school too because she had been bullied and picked on a lot in her old school. We found out a lot through counseling. She's a lot happier now.
You have to be vigilent though and check her periodically for cuts. Watch the kinds of kids she's hanging out with. If she's hanging out with other cutters, you need to get her away from that because they can feed off of each other. I also suggest you put a moniter on your computer to moniter everything going on there. We installed something called SpectaSoft. It cost about $100. We told our kids that we would be monitering things on the computer but our daughter still hasn't figured out exactly how we're doing it. We've been honest with her though.
It's good that you want her to come to you and should encourage that. Try and talk to her every day. But remember that we can't just be their buddies and sometimes we have to do things that will make them mad or not like us much but we have to do it for their best interest. I know what you mean though! I have a hard time with all of this too! I want to have a good relationship with my daughter and sometimes we do, but she does fight me on a lot. I do try to pick our battles and let her do her hair the way she wants and let her dress the way she wants within reason. She knows no real sexy stuff, etc. I think that the ages 12-16 are the worst! It does get better though as they get older. I wish you well. It's good that you're so on top of things. Just keep loving her. She'll get through this. God bless.

[kiwi555]

im not a mother..but i am a 15 year old girl that is a cutter i started when i was 13 usually its because of stress, skewl, boys, friends, anything like that..or shes doing it for attention most teens do do that its not the right thing but its a serious thing i would sit down and talk with him and if she wont listen i can try and talk to her im big help i have helped many many many of my friends stop cutting and trying to kill themselves because if you dont talk to her in time she might go for deepier stuff like trying to hang herself or cutting deep or on her legs or ankles of feet..but i have myspace if u just need to talk or help...

[chloe802]

Thank you for the replies. So far, this has been a one time deal. No cuts, nothing, and her spirits are high. You see, My daighter lost her father to a freak accident (IDK if accident is the right word) 3 years ago. He didn't die, he went to prison for life w/ no chance of parole EVER. She 's never seen him since the courtroom when she was on stand (so horrible to make an 11 yr old testify on stand against her own father for somthing she didn't understand at the time). When she was off stand, she walked past her dad, hugged him and was cring, when the security guard YELLED "NO TOUCHING THE DEFENDANT" and pulled her off him, which made her scream and cry more. So, the day he went to prison, her dad's gf gave birth to my daughter's half brother. The lil boy is being raised by her aunt, and her family have cut ties w/ my daughter (Shame on them) because they're "afraid" my daughter will tell her brother that he's adopted and they're not really cousins. So, not has she only lost her father, she lost her new brother,  who's 3 in March, her dad's side of the family (Big family whom she was REALLY close w/) and she lost her step brother, whom was 4 at the time he died, 3 yrs ago. So, all at once, she lost 2 brothers, a dad, and the cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Point here, she's been through a lot. When she cut on herself, she cut the words, "Why ****" The **** is a boys name. She really likes her best guy friend a lot, but he just wants to be friends, which I think is fine because they're only 14. Question is, do young girls have a tendancy to want a male in their life (more than normal) to replace the father figure they lost? She's never been boy crazy, and she still isn't, but had high hopes for her best guy friend. The fact that she  has to live w/ the thought of her dad doing what he did is hard enough. Trust me, her dad deserves to be where he's at, and I'm glad he's out of my daughters life. So, that's our sad story.

[porkchopprincessa]

Ok. when you said she has never been boy crazy and still isnt, you cant say that because, you will never know if she is, because she wont tell you if she is or not and thats just something that parents dont findout easily. Also i dnt think is because she wants to replace a male figure because she doesnt have her dad. I think its because
maybe she never been in a relationship and she wants to be in one, because she wants change, some girls really do get depressed over boys when they really like them all i can advice you to do is talk to her and let her know that your there for her maybe tell her someof your teen stories about boys but one thing you cant change the way
she feels you can make her feel better but time is what she needs, and it might even be a long time. BUT dont sceam at her or tell her stuff your not old enough because she will get really upset. Just be there for her when she needs it.

[3_of_us]

hello,
i just found this forum. My daughter (14) told me that she cut herself and when I checked, her left arm was full of cuts. I am very scared and have not yet been able to get her to seek help. I am working on it though. She promised she will ask for help if she wants to do it again. I am quite desperate and afraid.

[3_of_us]

Hello april2 - me again,
I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful contributions to this forum.

[April2]

Hey there. Sorry, I didn't get on till now and didn't see your post. If you update your profile we can talk in private messaging.
I do understand. My daughter was barely 14 when we found out she was cutting. It's been a long year and a half (almost two years). She's almost 16 now. I just wanted to say don't be like me and think you can handle this yourself. I believed her everytime she said she wouldn't do it again. This thing was so much bigger than I realized. After getting her into counseling (and I didn't ask her, by the way. She was told she was going to counseling), I thought she was doing better. I didn't want to believe the things the counselor said. He warned me about so much but I wouldn't listen. I didn't want to believe the worst. Not my little girl. He kept telling me that if she cut herself again that I needed to take her down to the local mental health clinic and I wouldn't do it. I grew up believing you are stigmatized for things like mental health problems. My husband saw this long before I did. She was deeply depressed. I think I just couldn't take it anymore this last time she cut herself. I knew she was upset that night and I made her show me her arms. With tears in her eyes she told me that she'd been trying to tell me for a long time that she needed help. It took all my courage that night to drive her down the the mental health care clinic for adolescents and leave her there for a mandotary 72 hours. But I was exhausted and drained from trying to deal with this on my own for so long. Her time there did make an impact on her, I think. And it showed her that we are taking this serious. There will be consequences for her actions. (I'm not saying this was a punishment. This was a wake-up call.)This is NOT OK! While she was there, they started her on a anti-depressant too (with our permission).

I'm telling you all of this because I learned so much over the last year and a half, things I didn't want to learn but was forced to, nevertheless. You need to understand something. Cutting is a self-destructive way that many teens are choosing to handle the stress, anger or sadness in their lives. And if it's left unchecked and it continues, it gets worse. It can become addictive. She will promise you that she won't do it again. Don't believe her. Make her show you her body periodically, and not just her arms. I didn't realize that my daughter also had some terrible scars on her ankle.
Please listen to me! Don't be like me. I was terribly niave and trusting, but my daughter needed help and didn't know how to ask for it.
If you catch this in the beginning, it will be so much easier to break her from this self-destructive habit. She needs to learn better, more positive ways to deal with strong emotions like stress, anger and sadness that causes her to cut herself. And the only way is by getting her into counseling with someone who works with cutters. Also find someone who offers DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy). Not all therapists offer that. It was originally created by a therapist who wanted to help people with BPD but realized that the therapy helps cutters too. It teaches them to recognize what their feeling and gives them options to choose from to help them cope or feel better.
I hope any of this helps. I know exactly how you feel! I really do. It's a terrible, lonely, scary place to be. My heart has been broken so many times over this child of mine. Some of these scars are so bad, too, that she will always have them. It hurts me to look at them.
One thing that was always so hard for me too, was how alone I felt. There didn't seem to be any support groups out there for parents of cutters. I know. I checked. I tried to share with some friends. etc. and they could sypmathize, but nobody really understood this terrible darkness I felt we all were in.
Being a Christian saved me, I think. I had my faith to fall back on. I didn't  understand, but I believed that God was with her and would bring her through all of this. I told my daughter that God could use this someday for her to help other hurting teens because of what she's gone through. That's how God works. He takes the trials, the pain, in our lives and uses them for good and to help others who are going through the same thing. I truly believe that God has good plans for her life. I have to hold on to that hope.
She's not completely out of the woods yet but she's better. She is still trying to figure out who she is and what she believes. That's why I try and stand in the gap for her until she turns around and allows God's healing love to help her. Right now she's angry with God and blames Him for a lot of her hurts. I know she will come around. It's just so hard to watch her struggle.
So, please know that I understand and I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I have been there and still am to a degree. It helps to have someone to talk to, I think. You won't feel so alone. I'll say  prayer for you and your daughter. Write me any time, if you like. God bless.

[cb224]

I just recently found out my 16 yr old daughter has been cutting herself.  She said it was because her girlfriend broke up with her. Yeah you read that correctly. She told me she was a lesbian when she was almost 15 yrs old. This is not her first time to cut herself. We lost my mother to short 2 month battle of cancer July 8, 2006. She cut herself one time then. I noticed it and also that she was suffering from depression. I took her to her physician. She told her physician that she had thought about going and getting a gun out of her dad's closet and shooting herself. She didn't want to live. I tried to get her in counseling but couldn't find one near where we live that would take a juvenille. She talked to her physician though. She seemed to be doing well and was taken off her meds. Well her father and I divorced last year. It has been a hard time for both of us. I had to change her schools when we moved. She seemed to be doing a lot better. Her grades greatly improved and was making friends (at school only) and seemed happier than she had been in a long time. She met this girl and they had been seeing each other mostly at school for about 3 months. The girls mother saw them kiss and then she no longer wanted them to see each other and blamed my daughter for her daughter beeing a lesbian. My daughter's girlfriend broke up with her. Well I guess it was too much for my daughter to take and she