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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Trouble reaching orgasm
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Trouble reaching orgasm
by Maya9, Dec 15, 2007 10:17AM
I'm not sure why, but I can't seem to have an orgasm during sex. I'm not referring just to intercourse, but to oral and manual stimulation as well. I don't have a problem reaching orgasm by myself. I don't blame my boyfriend. He is a good lover and gives me a great amount of pleasure. That is what confounds me. Considering all the pleasure I get from him, I am baffled as to why I can't reach orgasm.
Is it possible that this is all just psychological? I have considerable difficulty relaxing around other people, so it seems plausible that this anxiety just overlaps into sex. There are also times when I can't seem to turn my brain off during sex. Despite the enjoyment I get out of it, I sometimes can't help but start thinking. I can't believe that would aid orgasm.
Is it possible that this is all just psychological? I have considerable difficulty relaxing around other people, so it seems plausible that this anxiety just overlaps into sex. There are also times when I can't seem to turn my brain off during sex. Despite the enjoyment I get out of it, I sometimes can't help but start thinking. I can't believe that would aid orgasm.
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Dec 15, 2007 10:50AM
, Dec 15, 2007 10:50AM
To: trouble reaching orgasm
A lot of the ability to have an orgasm for a woman is mental. For whatever reason, most women need to focus, and random other thoughts make it difficult or impossible to let the feeling take over and build into an orgasm. You might try playing really loud music, or ocean sounds or something that envelopes your mind while you are making love..
You could also see if your boyfriend could replicate your own technique on your body- that is tell him how to give you an orgasm exactly the same way you give it to yourself. If that involves a vibrator or a certain kind of stroke, or a speciific fantasy- then use what has worked in the past. You need to generalize your orgasmic response in one category ( with yourself) to another category ( with him).
The other possibility is just to lay off the whole question for awhile. When you want something very badly and are afraid it won't happen ( ie you are close, and you worry the orgasm won't happen--again--) then the anxiety does build up and make it harder. Back off, have the orgasm with your own hand or vibrator and just enjoy sex with him. From time to time, you might try one of the above approaches but you need to downgrade this from an emotional or physical problem to just the happenstance about the way you have a climax. You can make working on new techniques or transferring old ones into a game and a form of foreplay and reduce the importance of the whole thing. Eventually you will figure out how to have a sex life that pleases you-- and it doesn't have to be in a conventional way. You do have orgasms- and that's the important issue... there is no orthodox way you MUST have them-- and as long as you and your boyfriend are enjoying each other- that qualifies as a good sex life!
You could also see if your boyfriend could replicate your own technique on your body- that is tell him how to give you an orgasm exactly the same way you give it to yourself. If that involves a vibrator or a certain kind of stroke, or a speciific fantasy- then use what has worked in the past. You need to generalize your orgasmic response in one category ( with yourself) to another category ( with him).
The other possibility is just to lay off the whole question for awhile. When you want something very badly and are afraid it won't happen ( ie you are close, and you worry the orgasm won't happen--again--) then the anxiety does build up and make it harder. Back off, have the orgasm with your own hand or vibrator and just enjoy sex with him. From time to time, you might try one of the above approaches but you need to downgrade this from an emotional or physical problem to just the happenstance about the way you have a climax. You can make working on new techniques or transferring old ones into a game and a form of foreplay and reduce the importance of the whole thing. Eventually you will figure out how to have a sex life that pleases you-- and it doesn't have to be in a conventional way. You do have orgasms- and that's the important issue... there is no orthodox way you MUST have them-- and as long as you and your boyfriend are enjoying each other- that qualifies as a good sex life!
