Never Had an Orgasm

[fueledbyfaith]

I have never had an orgasm either.  I am a divorcee and had been married for 5 years and never had one with my previous husband.  Prior to him I had never had sex but had experimented with other things and still never had one.  Since my divorce I have been intimate with one other person and the very first time I experienced the strangest sensations in my body.  Intimacy with him was very different than it was with my previous husband.  He had longer thrusts and pumped faster.  Sometimes slow. I felt tingles all over. My mouth was quivering.  I couldn't get control over it, so I asked him to stop.  I was so afraid that what I was feeling wasn't supposed to feel that way.  Can anyone tell me what exactly is an orgasm supposed to feel like?  I have no idea... would like some insight though.  I feel that it frustrates me sometimes because I so desperately want to feel that sensation of this erotic experience but I don't know how... or what to expect.. or what it feels like.  Anyone?

PS - I was sexually molested at a very young age and consequentially it has caused me alot of problems in my emotional and sexual health.  

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

Lets talk first about your reaction when you started to feel excitement.  The fact that you found that a scary or unwelcome feeling is more important than anything you have said. If your own arousal scares you it may be that you have fears about sexuality that need to be dealt with before you can have an orgasm.  It is natural, necessary even, to start to feel sexually "tingly" as sex progresses. You want to relax into those feelings- encourage them and increase them. If you are emotionally holding back- all the technical advice I can give you is not going to help-- because your mind has to be willing to let sexual arousal take you over and you have to stop monitoring your feelings and let yourself enjoy them.

One other thought. You said he pumped harder , faster etc-- if you enjoy that- or whatever you enjoy- tell him . When you start to get really excited , tell him to sustain whatever he is doing at the time- its obviously working and your body needs to get into a rhythm of excitement before it can build to orgasm.

Also, you did not mention "foreplay". It is essential to most women in order to have an orgasm. That means stroking a well lubricated clitoris and the area around it to great excitement, perhaps to orgasm.

But first , you need to give yourself permission to be excited and out of conscious control. Let your body do the talking- not your mind...